Your Not So Secret Search Engine

June 28th 2013

 I know something you don’t know.

Creeped out yet?



Every day I check the analytics behind this absurd blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes) , AND FINALLY to figure out who the hell is stopping the fuck by every goddamn day.


 Before you freak out.

I have no idea that you’re here right now.

And I never will.

You fucking phantom, you!

Whether you’re in your office, in your PJs, or waiting for your godsend cappuccino to be frothed fucked by the local barista,

I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.

But what I do know? Is that at the bottom

left hand corner of my analytics page?

search engine page

I can see

What – has been typed into google/bing search engines that explain

How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I am able to get an insight as to

Who –  these unique, web surfin individuals really are.


After about  a year of watching this shit pop up in my stats and loling my pants off entirely sola every goddamn day. I decided to make a miniature collection of the best of the best. The creme de la creme! The hostess with the MOSTESS (< idk). And share that shit…with you.

Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go

search engine list  headline

Let’s do this.


33 Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog

(And what I have to say back to you…)


Inglorious bitches


To share internet space with such a phrase is truly an honor


Hoes be like duck face


Not better than this


idiot dog to any home


Hey! Who knew your ex’s online dating  profile and this blog had so much in common.


toothless old men


Kudos, Google! For really capturing my target audience.

I don't care what my friends say Tito. I think you're a swell guy / please don't kill me.


don’t want to sleep over because of how I look in the morning


…Then don’t.


what if she doesn’t ask you to sleepover after sex


…Then leave.


how do I snuggle up to the boy i like at a sleepover


Involve pizza


thing you can make with maxi pads


Add a string. Instant headband. BOOM.


removing my bra


I’d go with cable cutters or common sense on this one. Your choice.


fucking chicks in cardigans




armadillo toes


Nothing spices up a Friday night quite like google searching “Armadillo Toes.”

Let's get this party STARTED.

Let’s get this party STARTED.


lady wears see through at pizza hut


You found me.


girls night out gets crazy


I plead the 5th.


poo holding my stomach bathroom


How ideal that google brought you here in your moment of urgency.


fuck or chuck let sleepover


Depends on the amount of cheeto bribes involved.


i too could be a handsome prince, but i like being a horny toad


Glad we got to catch up.


clay aiken


My boi.


christmas things u can make out of maxi pads


Someone’s gettin spoiled this year.


my recycling plan for my snacks


Pizza. Chips.  Milkshake. Repeat.



ludacris gold toilet bowl


Budget-friendly home decor shopping, I see.


how many months are in a year



face palm


i was running from an alien and i jumped into an alley way dumpster to hide and you


…well what the fuck did I do?!


do girls wear bras at sleepovers


Do people really look this shit up?


dick rejector

Why do I look familiar? Because you typed in “Dick Rejector” into google…and apparently my face showed up. That’s why.

Living a successful life for sure.

Living a successful life over here.


mom in business suit fucked


Welcome! I see you’ve got a bottle of lotion, lap top wide open, and a sock at the ready. You’ve come to the completely wrong place.


grannies stick panties


Here’s to hoping this wasn’t a google image search.


sexy homemade lingerie


Nothin like a yarn thong

You there! With the  yarn thong!

You there! With the yarn thong!


do you want me to sleep over


no gif


everyone getting married having babies and i’m over here like i have a new cat


You lucky bastard.



bro is that you eggs


No. It’s me, grits.


you called yourself blump


...So your date went well then...

…So your date went well then…


everyone’s over here like hey i’m getting married or having babies and im here like who wants tequila





And finally:

owl skeleton with parrot and santa clause


“ did you find this girls blog again?

awkward face gif

Shout out to all the intentional readers and unintentional weirdos that stop the fuck by on a regular basis. For it is because of your batshit internet inquiries that brought us together in the first place.

office hug