Your Not So Secret Search Engine

June 28th 2013

 I know something you don’t know.

Creeped out yet?

Sweet.

So.

Every day I check the analytics behind this absurd blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes) , AND FINALLY to figure out who the hell is stopping the fuck by every goddamn day.

NOW.

 Before you freak out.

I have no idea that you’re here right now.

And I never will.

You fucking phantom, you!

Whether you’re in your office, in your PJs, or waiting for your godsend cappuccino to be frothed fucked by the local barista,

I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.

But what I do know? Is that at the bottom

left hand corner of my analytics page?

search engine page

I can see

What – has been typed into google/bing search engines that explain

How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I am able to get an insight as to

Who –  these unique, web surfin individuals really are.

SO.

After about  a year of watching this shit pop up in my stats and loling my pants off entirely sola every goddamn day. I decided to make a miniature collection of the best of the best. The creme de la creme! The hostess with the MOSTESS (< idk). And share that shit…with you.

Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go

search engine list  headline

Let’s do this.

 

33 Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog

(And what I have to say back to you…)

1.

Inglorious bitches

 ^

To share internet space with such a phrase is truly an honor

2.

Hoes be like duck face

^

Not better than this

3.

idiot dog to any home

^

Hey! Who knew your ex’s online dating  profile and this blog had so much in common.

4.

toothless old men

^

Kudos, Google! For really capturing my target audience.

I don't care what my friends say Tito. I think you're a swell guy / please don't kill me.

5.

don’t want to sleep over because of how I look in the morning

^

…Then don’t.

6.

what if she doesn’t ask you to sleepover after sex

^

…Then leave.

7.

how do I snuggle up to the boy i like at a sleepover

^

Involve pizza

8.

thing you can make with maxi pads

^

Add a string. Instant headband. BOOM.

9.

removing my bra

^

I’d go with cable cutters or common sense on this one. Your choice.

10.

fucking chicks in cardigans

^

You-Stay-Classy-San-Diego-Anchorman

11.

armadillo toes

^

Nothing spices up a Friday night quite like google searching “Armadillo Toes.”

Let's get this party STARTED.

Let’s get this party STARTED.

12.

lady wears see through at pizza hut

^

You found me.

13.

girls night out gets crazy

^

I plead the 5th.

14.

poo holding my stomach bathroom

^

How ideal that google brought you here in your moment of urgency.

15.

fuck or chuck let sleepover

^

Depends on the amount of cheeto bribes involved.

16.

i too could be a handsome prince, but i like being a horny toad

^

Glad we got to catch up.

17.

clay aiken

^

My boi.

18.

christmas things u can make out of maxi pads

^

Someone’s gettin spoiled this year.

19.

my recycling plan for my snacks

^

Pizza. Chips.  Milkshake. Repeat.

elf-eating

20.

ludacris gold toilet bowl

^

Budget-friendly home decor shopping, I see.

21.

how many months are in a year

^

………..

face palm

22.

i was running from an alien and i jumped into an alley way dumpster to hide and you

^

…well what the fuck did I do?!

23.

do girls wear bras at sleepovers

^

Do people really look this shit up?

24.

dick rejector

Why do I look familiar? Because you typed in “Dick Rejector” into google…and apparently my face showed up. That’s why.

Living a successful life for sure.

Living a successful life over here.

25.

mom in business suit fucked

^

Welcome! I see you’ve got a bottle of lotion, lap top wide open, and a sock at the ready. You’ve come to the completely wrong place.

26.

grannies stick panties

^

Here’s to hoping this wasn’t a google image search.

27.

sexy homemade lingerie

^

Nothin like a yarn thong

You there! With the  yarn thong!

You there! With the yarn thong!

28.

do you want me to sleep over

^

no gif

29.

everyone getting married having babies and i’m over here like i have a new cat

^

You lucky bastard.

Congrats.

30.

bro is that you eggs

^

No. It’s me, grits.

31.

you called yourself blump

^

...So your date went well then...

…So your date went well then…

32.

everyone’s over here like hey i’m getting married or having babies and im here like who wants tequila

^

pick-me-o

ME.

33.

And finally:

owl skeleton with parrot and santa clause

^

“So..how did you find this girls blog again?

awkward face gif

Shout out to all the intentional readers and unintentional weirdos that stop the fuck by on a regular basis. For it is because of your batshit internet inquiries that brought us together in the first place.

office hug