June 28th 2013
I know something you don’t know.
Creeped out yet?
Every day I check the analytics behind this absurd blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes) , AND FINALLY to figure out who the hell is stopping the fuck by every goddamn day.
Before you freak out.
I have no idea that you’re here right now.
And I never will.
You fucking phantom, you!
Whether you’re in your office, in your PJs, or waiting for your godsend cappuccino to be frothed fucked by the local barista,
I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.
But what I do know? Is that at the bottom
left hand corner of my analytics page?
I can see
What – has been typed into google/bing search engines that explain
How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I am able to get an insight as to
Who – these unique, web surfin individuals really are.
After about a year of watching this shit pop up in my stats and loling my pants off entirely sola every goddamn day. I decided to make a miniature collection of the best of the best. The creme de la creme! The hostess with the MOSTESS (< idk). And share that shit…with you.
Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go
33 Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog
(And what I have to say back to you…)
To share internet space with such a phrase is truly an honor
Hoes be like duck face
Not better than this
idiot dog to any home
Hey! Who knew your ex’s online dating profile and this blog had so much in common.
toothless old men
Kudos, Google! For really capturing my target audience.
don’t want to sleep over because of how I look in the morning
what if she doesn’t ask you to sleepover after sex
how do I snuggle up to the boy i like at a sleepover
thing you can make with maxi pads
Add a string. Instant headband. BOOM.
removing my bra
I’d go with cable cutters or common sense on this one. Your choice.
fucking chicks in cardigans
Nothing spices up a Friday night quite like google searching “Armadillo Toes.”
lady wears see through at pizza hut
You found me.
girls night out gets crazy
I plead the 5th.
poo holding my stomach bathroom
How ideal that google brought you here in your moment of urgency.
fuck or chuck let sleepover
Depends on the amount of cheeto bribes involved.
i too could be a handsome prince, but i like being a horny toad
Glad we got to catch up.
christmas things u can make out of maxi pads
Someone’s gettin spoiled this year.
my recycling plan for my snacks
Pizza. Chips. Milkshake. Repeat.
ludacris gold toilet bowl
Budget-friendly home decor shopping, I see.
how many months are in a year
i was running from an alien and i jumped into an alley way dumpster to hide and you
…well what the fuck did I do?!
do girls wear bras at sleepovers
Do people really look this shit up?
Why do I look familiar? Because you typed in “Dick Rejector” into google…and apparently my face showed up. That’s why.
mom in business suit fucked
Welcome! I see you’ve got a bottle of lotion, lap top wide open, and a sock at the ready. You’ve come to the completely wrong place.
grannies stick panties
Here’s to hoping this wasn’t a google image search.
sexy homemade lingerie
Nothin like a yarn thong
do you want me to sleep over
everyone getting married having babies and i’m over here like i have a new cat
bro is that you eggs
No. It’s me, grits.
you called yourself blump
everyone’s over here like hey i’m getting married or having babies and im here like who wants tequila
owl skeleton with parrot and santa clause
“So..how did you find this girls blog again?
Shout out to all the intentional readers and unintentional weirdos that stop the fuck by on a regular basis. For it is because of your batshit internet inquiries that brought us together in the first place.