September 5th 2012
The air was crisp, the birds were singing, my pace was brisk, and
Out of the corner of my eye <<
I spotted an old woman…with a walker…
>>> surpassing me.
Distraught and impressed, I immediately began to compose a tweet about the amazing/upsetting phenomena that was unraveling before my very eyes
…until I saw this:
A 90-year-old man power walking through the park with a brown paper bag on his head.
And in that moment I judged myself for 3 reasons:
1. From a distance…I liked it.
2. From up close…I liked it…
3. Immediately upon arriving home I may or may not have crafted one for myself.
(Don’t tell anyone I work in the fashion industry.)
And there I was.
Standing in front
of the mirror
Perplexed as to how/why the 90-year-old man in the coral track suit in the park could possibly look more dashing in this outfit than I. But to no avail, he was indeed, the winner.
So then I got to thinking.
About 2 things.
1. If I find myself having spontaneous walk offs with the local granny in the park and
2. Aspiring to be the old man twerking a brown paper bag on my head
…I should potentially consider getting my shit together. Time is ticking Olive and surely, there must be more quality things you should be investing your time in now that you cannot partake in later. Being the reason your roommate cannot pack her lunch because she mysteriously ran out of lunch bags is, not, included. And so once again, I recruited the offensive, ridiculous and impressive creativity of my friends (and myself) to compose a list in case you too, need a fucked up reminder of the simple activities you should probably get to steppin on now because they may prove to be ill-advised or even impossible, later.
24 ill-Advised/Impossible Activities For A 90
(But you could still do now…)
1. Call your mom (gone)
2. Call your friends (gone)
3. Use the term YOLO (Gets a little literal after 70. Unless you want to change it to YOLFOMYM- You Only Live For One More Year…Max. Then that’s cool. And catchy.)
4. Flirt (Once scandalous. Now, pedophilic by default)
5. Dick pics (This is neither a request nor an encouragement, but rather, a warning.)
6. Fake your own death (Too believable)
7. Make a bucket list (A little tardy on this one)
8. Apply Moisturizer (Give up)
9. Pay full price for shit (Although you may envy the 812 pound grandpa in the corner eating his biscuits and gravy for half the price, revel in your youth and pay full price while you can…and then party the fuck on.)
10. Brush your hair (Savor those strands)
11. Brush your teeth (Dentures, baby!)
12. Sport a romper (Once trendy. Now, mistaken for a fancy diaper)
13. Sift through the high school yearbook (Once a jolly bonding activity. Now, resembles the back page of the obituary section)
14. Order 20 extra hot buffalo wings (Once a snack. Now, suicide)
15. Use cleavage as any sort of weapon (Not everything gets better with age)
16. Wish your friend a happy birthday on Facebook (Once a fun task. Now, a way to keep track of who’s still alive and down to hang)
17. Get down and get your eagle on (I’m concerned as to who would holler)
18. Sing along to crude rap songs (Once impressive. Now, unruly)
19. Attempt to break the Guiness world records for pogo sticking (Just…trust me on this one)
20. Selfie pics (If you must…do them now…)
21. Keg stands (Once badass. Now, life threatening)
22. Wear Aeropostale (Actually – don’t ever do this-ever)
23. Volunteer at a nursing home (You may be mistaken for one of the gang)
24. Have any sort of agenda (Let’s be honest)
So the next time you find yourself taking a night in, ignoring your friends/family or skimping out on hygiene. Remember, these activities will one day be considered a treat, life threatening or impossible. So take advantage of shit and live it the fuck up. And for the love of god get me one of those hats.