October 18th 2013
Yo! Dickson! Wtf happened to you?!
Why? Because I don’t know who the flying fuck Dickson is.
But Angel does.
The intended recipient of the mis text that was received just a few days ago:
Indeed it appeared as if our theoretical friend Dickson was in some serious strife.
And I remedied his strife by….sending a mass e-mail to all of my batshit friends with the subject line “Wtf happened to Dickson?” where we concocted a variety of scenarios to sarcastically decode this mystery that spontaneously landed in our inbox.
What did we come up with?
What did we say?
9 Ways Dickson Could Have Possibly Fucked Up
1. Overreacted to Angel binge eating snacks in his kitchen, thus making his own offensive rendition of Shaggy’s original hit “Angel” that went like this:
Girl, you’re my angel, you’re my darlin angel
You ate my fritos and fled like an asshat, babyyy
Shorty, you’re my angel, you’ took my cheese dip too, baby
Girl, gtf back here and refill my grocercies, ladayyy
2. Fucked up date night by wearing leather pants, thus pulling a classic “Ross Gellar” from friends kind of like:
So Dickson buys leather pants and wears them on a date…but swiftly realizes their heat repellance is absolutely none.
So he excuses himself to the bathroom to get little “fresh air” and a splash a relief onto his leather-trapped legs.
Only to realize that the combination of leather and water made the pants be like:
So he panics and phones a friend:
And his friend tells him to try adding a little baby powder to the mix to you know, soak up the water:
And that doesn’t work:
So then the friend suggests that he throws in a little lotion. Because that way those babies will slip right on:
But instead they kind of just…make a paste…
And so finally the friend just says:
And then Angel walks in and is like:
3. Fucked up breakfast
Indeed this mysterious text message specified that it was a morning episode, which can only lead me to believe that Dickson in fact burnt the toast, fucked up the pancakes, under squeezed the OJ and then came flying out of the kitchen like:
And then Angel was all like:
4. Completely forgot to mention his second identity as the muffin man
And Angel was all like:
And Dickson was all like:
6. Disrupted her slumber 5 minutes before her alarm
You see, Dickson was trying to be all smooth like:
But then Angel kind of freaked the fuck out and got violent consequently broke two of her ankles like:
7. Dickson didn’t text her back. But only because he mistook his cellular device for a pop tart that morning and then like…
And Angel was being all doubtful like:
8. Dickson was being a total…dick. Sharing Angel’s Sexts with his friends like:
And Angel found out and was all like:
And his friends were all like:
9. Angel packed his lunch that morning. Forgot the triscuits. And then Dickson lost his marbles in the office like:
And Angel found out about his meltdown that morning and was all like:
And there you have it. 9 very likely scenarios that would help us unriddle this unexpected complex scenario of our dear friend Dickson. Also, a not so casual IN YOUR FACE. To anyone who said:
Because we figured that shit out. With fuckin ease. (And a little pie.)
Alright, enough of this nonsense.