This Is Not Your Room

September 10th 2012

Story originally written and experienced: August 24th 2007


It was the third day of college and


I was all giddy and shit to get my college experience poppin with the first day of school. And after an exhausting and unwelcomed day chock-full of orientations and bonding activities, I was finally feeling like a real adult.


I hOPped into bed, my questionably priced text-books neatly








(slash tossed)  on my desk whilst exchanging charming small talk banter with my brand new roommate, Lauren, particularly revolving around the  ill-advised tattoo that our RA stamped on the back of her left thigh…of her uncles face…and how unfortunate it was for anyone who happened to be walking behind her at any given time she chose to sport her signature jorts or  Hollister pajama capris…I’ve for sure been a victim of Uncle Pete’s glare once or thrice.


And anyway


We shut off the lights, laid to rest in our complimentary Twin XL beds and were about to fall asleep


When suddenly


There was a knock on the door



A pounding.


…Uncle Pete?


Lauren and I glanced                                                        over at each other


I volunteered as tribute to cautiously TiP-toe over >>>> to the door and


peek through the cloudy peep-hole. (hahaha)


Welcome Kendall.




The bat-shit neighbor that resided directly next door. Her time of choice to stop by and say hey was relatively unfavorable but seeing as we were in the early stages of  “I need some fucking friends,” I figured beggars cannot be choosers…


Perhaps I should consider choosing…every once in a while.








open the door and

>>>>>>> In flew Kendall…with a wave of tequila trailing right.behind.her.

And in a matter of





5 seconds. She got completely naked, made a burrito blanket…out of my sheets and then proceeded to….pass the fuck out.


New friends…indeed.


Distraught, slightly panicked and mostly humored Lauren and I exchanged about 64 glances and hand signals essentially translating to what in the fuck do we do now.



I went first.

Moseyed over >>> to my bed. Tapped my nude neighbor on the shoulder. (naturally)

And said this:


“Heyy…Kendall. So as it turns out this is actually…not…your room. I know this may come as a shock. So I’m glad you’re laying down for this. But although my freshly washed sheets probably feel pretty terrific tucked in between your ass cheeks, I’m going to have to very unfortunately ask for them back. So whenever…you’re ready…”


                           popped up



 Looked at my square in the face and gently told me,


“Listen bitch. If you want to sleep in here, you can. But you’ve either got to take the floor, or peace the fuck out.”


…A kind offer.

But not exactly what I had in mind.

Olive out – Lauren in.

Lauren shuffled over >>> to my bed

And recited this:


“What uppp Kendall. What do you say we play a game? It’s called “Get the fuck out of my room. One of my favorite pastimes. You in?”


The burrito blanket became..tighter.




And after about 8-13 sentences that went pretty similar to that



Kendall finally                    out of my bed and performed yet another impressive task in a matter of





5 seconds by transforming the blanket burrito into what now resembled that of  “diaper toga” … What’s a diaper toga you ask?


Use your imagination.


…Who knew my bed sheets were so…versatile.


Perhaps I shouldn’t have been such a snipey, snipey bitch when my mom suggested I get more than one set of sheets at TJ Maxx.


Kudos, Youngsook.


Kendall wAdDlEd over >>> to our door in her new attire and upon exiting our quarters


>>>>> Surpassed…


Her room once again and began to


p-a-c-e- the hallways whilst singing various songs that involved  a lofty amount of profanities.


We needed a plan.

And we needed it now.


Normal tactics such as asking, explaining and suggesting clothes were proving to be a fruitless endeavor. So, Lauren and I agreed that a bargain was in order. We marched back to our room and she bravely stripped her “track and field” fleece blanket off of her bed and said


“Let’s do this”


We       m      e    a    n     d     e     r     e     d  the hallways in search for diaper-toga-Kendall, finally turning the corner and alas


There she was

Diaper Toga still in tact.

Fantastic news.


We immediately began to coax her to trade in her freshly created diaper toga/bed sheets in exchange for the maroon fuzzy feeling track and field blanket.


She took the bait.


Apparently she’d had a recent hankering for a fleece tube top.




We returned the favor and began to bang feverishly on her roommates door. Her roommate answered, dazed and confused (join the club) leading her bottomless roommate to her own, personal bed, allowing Lauren and I to resume in our original sleeping ways.


I carried the diaper toga back to my room and decided to forgo…the reapplication of sheets to the bed.


This was quite possible the least sexy

naked + bed sheets combo I had ever seen.

Disagree, I dare you.

A clean bath towel comforter…it is..

(Not recommended)


The next morning there was another, knock on our door.


Welcome back, Kendall.


I cautiously op      ened the door with 8 fleece blankets on stand- by. She was standing with her bartered blanket and looked at Lauren and I with a stern look on her face.


“Hey, Kendall, what can I do for you?”


“…Heyy. So I found your blanket in my room and…I’m not sure if our laundry got mixed up or if like…you were in my room but…I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t go in my room without asking.”


Story time.


With each passing detail Kendall’s face grew more and more petrified. The in-depth description of the creation of the diaper toga may or may not have been contributing factor. My closing statement involved tossing back her sparkly dress that spent the night on our rug the night before and thanking her for stopping by. And mentioned that I too, would love a heads up on our next sleepover.


A few days later I found a note slipped under our door.


And it said this:



…Let’s just say shit just got weirder after Kendall’s naked visit. And this was just the perfect kick off for the next 4 years to come.


Stay tuned.