Things That Don’t Stay In Vegas
May 31st 2013
What happens in Vegas…doesn’t always stay in Vegas.
That line pertaining to the following 3 things:
1. STDS
2. Marriage
3. This blog post:
Rewind.
A few short months ago I received a well-crafted, personalized text from my cousin Elisa inviting me to her Bachelorette rage fest located in Las Vegas, Nevada. She was adamant on pre-gaming her official marital status, requesting a boatload of Kamikaze shots and questionable life choices…and seeing as this was a current description of my life anyway…
I simply could not say no.
Before I knew it, I was blacked out with absurd excitement on Hotwire.com, ready to sell my soul to sin city and send Elisa off into the land of endless double dates, chuckling in each others faces at rom coms every goddamn night, and most importantly, exchanging turns on who Dranos the shit out of the shower drain every month.
So there I was.
On a plane. Captain had signaled the fasten seat belt sign. Flight attendants were preparing for landing. And I had so many goddamn ants in my pants I was reading the inflight safety information packet cover to FUCKING cover, so often I started to become delusioned by the ambiguous diagrams:
18 minutes later
We hit the ground and I instantaneously found myself pummeling through fellow passengers on the air craft, simply because I was ready to FUCKING roll.
I sprinted off >>> the plane and to the nearest shuttle that was on standby to drop me off at my designated hotel. There I sat, elated with excitement, phoning my cousins to tell them I was on my way. EAGER to prepare for an evening chock full of classless decisions, overpriced booze and
Wait wait
…what the fuck …WHAT is that…smell…
Suddenly an overpowering stench w a f t e d throughout the shuttle pressing itself against each of the closed windows, doors and walls of the vehicle. In approximately 3 seconds I found myself suffering from mild suffocation and ridiculously uncertain as to where this unexpected relative of mustard gas derived from.
Suddenly.
A large woman from the back. Stood uP. Ran her hands through her greasy hair. And said.
“LISTEN TO ME. I’ve had A LOT of tequila. And A LOT of pinto beans today. AND I’M NOT SORRY PEOPLE.”
Hello, Vegas.
Upon arrival to the hotel, I was freshly pre gamed with a scent that can only be described as potent yogurt and vintage wasabi, ready to brave the other smells of the grand city of sin. We were bunking at the Mandarin Oriental. Which, in case you were wondering, I made a pit stop at the comment box later that weekend and slipped in a note that said:
I mean like:
I’m over it.
ONWARDS.
Upon our reunion. The clan of us ripped some appropriate shots of patron.
Took a selfie with the bride to be
Peaced the fuck out in a lingering escalade

“What’s that? You’ve been sitting out here for 30 minutes looking for someone to hitch a ride from you illegally because you’re technically not a registered vehicle and don’t have a meter? ROLL OUT”
And stumbled into a night that started out so so good and ended so…so wrong.
But not for me.
Here’s what happened.
Rumors had it the HOTTEST AND HIPPEST club in this 10 foot town was “Hakkasan”
A world-class nightclub at the MGM grand housing household DJs like
Tiesto
Deadmau 5
Olive the people
And more.
So we did that.
But not before we ran into this chick:

If you’re asking if this is a women with an 8 foot wide “Edward Scissor Hands” Tattoo. The answer is yes…yes it is.
Or this bitch:
And soon after rolled 13 deep into the grandest nightclub in all the land.
Drinks were
p
o
u
r
e
d
I______________I
:
:
:
________
Selfies were taken

Not a singular clue as to who this is. Never saw him before or after this photo was taken. Fuckin phantom.
Dragons were grinded with
Drinks were had:
…Then vision was lost:
But although my vision and coherence were but a fleeting pastime, I do remember a phone call. A phone call…with my cousin…that went like this:
(Disclaimer, in preparation for identification jealousy, I have renamed the following 2 girls with aliases chosen off of www.rulingcatsanddogs.com. Read on.)
“Hey it’s Olive! WHERE ARE YOU I CAN’T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.”
“Dude. I left the club. I’m with Ninja and Nugget and they’re…they’re not doing so hott…”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…after we walked into the club. They got obliterated. Which was all awesome and shit until, Nugget got so messed up she had to be escorted out…
In a wheelchair…”
“I’m sorry…what?”
“Yeah dude. And she’s having a fucking blast.”
“Well wtf! What happened to Ninja?”
“Uh Ninja is face planted on the floor. I’m…currently changing her shoes. Hold on.”
And in this intermittent II pause II, I looked over to the bride to be for assistance, perhaps even advice. Only to inform her that one member of her party was being wheeled out in a wheel chair whilst the other was knocked out on the pavement…changing her shoes.
No cigar.
Trick was occupied.
And after a few more rounds of off-beat dancing
We ventured back to the majestic hotel. Hit the button to floor 23. And watched the
The elevator doors open
Only to reveal Ninja & Nugget…like this:
After a multitude of attempts to get this duo to bed.
We alas bid them adieu on the booze stained floor and proceeded to eat so much chicken from the local Sandwich Joint…
…And in such an aggressive fashion.
That the next morning.
We found the chicken…
In our shoes.
The next evening, the lot of us reminisced at the dinner table
About the time we grinded on dragons, rolled out of the hottest clubs…in wheelchairs…and filled our shoes with a copious amounts of cajun chicken…and realizing what a bizarre…bizarre…finale to Elisa’s single life…this really was.
But in case you were wondering.
This wasn’t all that happened in sin city that weekend.
You see.
Not everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
But most of it does.
Shout out to these batshit ladies who made this weekend unreal.
Now I really want to go to Vegas…
You won’t regret it.
Well…what’s sin city without a little regret, right? Hahaha.
What a great post! Loved how the photographs progressed downhill during the night! Funny stuff! Love it!
Hey! Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed it! It’s always a creative challenge trying to map out my posts about my nights out so that it’s not just interesting to me and my friends. haha. You’re awesome!
You always crack me up! I ever so much look forward to when your post hit my inbox!
Aw this put the biggest smile on my face. Thank you (:
Thank you. Love this. OMG. Rolling around laughing about the chicken in the shoe. Somehow reminds me so much of my crazy friends – why do we never capture it in photos and write about it, tho!? -Bstarbee (www.flockandfeather.wordpress.com)
Hahaha I’m glad you can appreciate that behavior mishap as much as us. No worries, these photos are very diligently taken on cue as I know the more material I can work with, the better! Thanks for reading (:
The pictures you were taking were probably as blurry as your vision. Man, you have some wild times.
Haha I know! That was the pure irony of having those photos on my camera. That being said, my vision may have been lacking but my memory somehow always remains ridiculously sharp. But only so I can tell you guys about all the stupid shit that I do. hahaha. Thanks for reading!
Thank goodness you have a good memory or I would be really bitter. I had a boring ole time in Vegas with my bros, but that is because we don’t drink and get wild like you. Vegas looks pretty much the same from Casino to Casino.
Haha we actually didn’t spend too much time in the Casinos. But if you were curious at all, I have plenty of really amazingly awesome and ridiculous times outside of alcohol. I drink much less than you think!
Of course I am interested, but you don’t have to cater to me. I ‘m just one of your thousands of readers. I’ll just wait impatiently for whatever you want to put on your awesome blog. I know you these are just a slice of your life.
(: !
Dear Olivethepeople,
I can forgive a lot of things. I forgive you for being a better writer than me and for being younger than me too.
However you look approximately twenty (maybe) in your photos. As do all your friends.
To even out the score I’m sending you some wrinkles in the mail. Ideally you put them next to your eyes but you can wear them on your neck if you’re pretending to be one of the big haired chain smoking slot machines ladies. You can also put them around your mouth so you always look a little unhappy, or perhaps like you are Winston Churchill’s long lost daughter.
Hahaha Sarah!
Thank you for your gift. I shall use it wisely and probably sooner than I anticipate (with all the stressful activities I put myself through I’m bound to age much more rapidly)By the way, I’m actually 24, and my cousin and all of her friends who were at the bachelorette party are 30! However I don’t blame you for thinking otherwise seeing as we’re dancing with dragons, putting chicken in our shoes etc…etc…
hey hey… correction. 29… let’s not age me more than I am =P
Hahaha I had no idea any of my friends/family ever even looked at my comments section. Welcome!
I love reading your posts! Very entertaining. Happy you had fun in Vegas.
Hey thanks so much! I had a lot of fun (: You’re awesome for reading!
Great LOL post! Now I really want to go to Vegas! 😉
Hey, thanks!! haha. I certainly hope you do. And certainly hope you don’t end up in a wheel chair quite like Nugget.
Haha, I hope not 😉
WoWWWW!1 THat was one of a dream night i must say.. Could feel all of the fun u all had… All the Bachelorette parties should be in Vegas.. Great one!!! Simply loved it and would really want to have one such nyt.. 😉
Haha I agree!!! I hope you do make it to Vegas sometime soon, and I really hope you have a ridiculous night as well.
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