There’s Something You Should Know About Mr. Right…

October 8th 2013
 No one had ever said it to me before. 
“Mr. Right doesn’t exist.”
That’s right.
 Brian said it to me the other day as we were casually conversing about the expectations and insanities of:
 Mr. And Mrs. Right.
“They’re just not real.” he continued
Disregard the exception.

(Disregard the exception.)

“You won’t be able to find them anywhere, no one will.”
“What does that even mean/Why does that sound so incredibly depressing?”
“It’s really not. It’s actually a good thing.” he said…as he continued to explain it like this:
Olive and Brian present:

There’s Something You Should Know About Mr. Right

Mr. Right.
Who is he?
Let’s recap:
He’s lean, fit, tan, rich, and has a large
…understanding of your feelings.


With eyes SO BLUE you can f a l l into that ocean of sexual turmoil and never fuckin escape. NOT ONCE.


He’s well-dressed.
Wants to take you around the world in a golden carriage.
And he ALWAYS puts you fucking first.


…But then wait.
Suddenly you look at your boyfriend across                        the room who’s wearing spongebob boxers – completely topless, trying to figure out the buttons on the microwave to boil water because doing it on the stove is JUST TOO DAMN HARD.
Thank god for microwaveable bacon.

Thank god for microwaveable bacon.

And he seemingly fits only 3/4 of the “Mr. Right” bill…

Maybe you’re single and wondering when a ridiculously attractive man 4 tables away at the local coffee shop will start stealing periodic glances at you across                        the goddamn way and ask you about your intelligence and ridiculous good looks.
Not real.

Those good looks. Let’s talk about them.

And suddenly you’re sitting there wondering why you’re “settling for someone who is only 75% of the seemingly “ideal man” – or where in the hell that guy is that’s supposed to order a house cappuccino with a side of your damn digits!
But the thing  you should know about that is:
He doesn’t exist.

Not that one anyway.


That's literally what I just told you not to do.

That is literally what I just told you not to do.

Hold on. HOLD ON. Just hear us guys out. I promise this shit will have a happy ending.

Think about it like this:

Are there a lot of dudes trolling the earth that can be a caring, gentle bear who can pull off a nice pair of slacks from time to time?

You bet.

You bet.

Can they can be strong? Aggressive? Motivated? And animalistic with a side of emotional manhood in the bedroom?

Hell yeah baby.

You know it baby.

Can he be ripped? Baby-faced? Perfectly slicked back hair and a trust fund with your name (forcefully) written all over it?


Depending on what kind of 6 pack we’re talking about here. FOR SURE. For sure. #abs #budlights

Can he have a sense of humor so fuckin charismatic he can charm the pants off of any damn person? At any given time?

"God I can't stop thinking about Craig and all his jokes!"

“Can’t stop thinking about Craig and all his charming and awesome jokes!”

…Can any man in existence be all of these things at the  exact.same.time?


Probably just as likely as that Nigerian prince actually paying you the $1,000,000 he promised you in his email.

But Prince Tikamasala gave his your word.

That tapestry-wearing bastard.


 I know I kind of got your hopes up.

And then kind of crushed them like this:

Like wtf dude.

Yeah like wtf dude.


It’s only because.

I wanted to tell you this:

So many ideas of what does or does not make a perfect man will differ from woman to fucking woman. BUT (no) thanks to hollywood and Disney, girls have these ideas of what a man SHOULD be in every single way, making chicks concoct one RIDICULOUS man in their head that will never EVER exist.

Ignore the exception.

(Disregard the exception.)

“So now what, asshole? Are you telling me that decent men are non-existent and I can’t do laundry on my man candy’s washboard abs while he tells me hilarious jokes as he’s writing an appreciation letter to my mother but only after a day of volunteering at the local “save the manatees” foundation, that he only heard about because of the general announcement at the huge corporate hedge fund he works for?”


What I’m trying to say is:

Every guy is different.

Not every girl wants every guy.

But every girl wants a guy that makes her feel all cuddly and complete and shit. But we don’t all get our fix from one type of man.

In fact.

That antidote is floating all over the damn place. In a lot of different places. In a lot of different people.

So whether you like the:

1. Macho Chacho

The guy who’s in shape – strong shoulders – flat stomach – well-groomed – and has eyes that are really fuckin dreamy. A true ladies man with a not-so-mild side effect of being a cocky asshole. A true dime with an incessant attitude problem but still willing to listen to your monthly (One could say, cyclical) emotional ranting.


2. The Sarcastically…Charming Charlie

The guy that when you say “Honey, where did you put the silverware?” He’ll always respond with “Where the silverware goes”. Followed by a giggle, and, in all likelihood,a small fart. And you fucking love it. (Most of the time)

Or maybe:

3. Senor Professional Pants

A great job right out of college making 6 figures, driving a nice import, who wears fashionable, well-selected outfits that complement his toned body. (Disclaimer: most 25 year olds making six-figures are likely to be 300lb boy-men sitting behind computer screens in capes, or sleep-deprived coffee-addicts who turn in 100 hours a week for the ubiquitous “firm” that employs their endless energy and youthful exuberance.) BUT YOU DIG IT. Financial stability. And a promise to be taken care of FOR LIFE. Or maybe just for a snack. Idk.

The thing you need to realize about “Mr. Right” is:

He does exist.

Your actual version at least.

He definitely isn’t perfect. Far from it, actually. He might wear the same clothes every other day, carry a few extra pounds, try to rock a beard (and fail), choose questionable times to let one rip or behave unnecessarily during your time of month.


He also might not understand why you cry so much how to deal with your issues, and he probably isn’t used to opening up about goddamn feelings!

why are you making us feel (text)

His Sundays will involve fantasy football and greasy food. His foreplay will need (just a little) work. And sometimes, his on the fly excuses might just really suck:

happy endings max not listening


Mr. Right will listen even when he doesn’t have the answers, hold you when he doesn’t know how to fix it, and make you laugh when his moves don’t quite do the trick

Not particularly swooned, Jeff.

Not particularly swooned, Jeff.

And then kiss you to make you shut up the hell up. (In the most endearing way of course…) He’ll adapt his schedule and miss a game now and then for you, and he’ll even wear different underwear every day!

Just got dressed and I changed out my underpants. FOR MY LADY.

Just got dressed and I changed out my underpants. FOR MY LADY.

So calm your jets.

Slow your roll.

And cool off your pancakes, ladies.

Because your imperfectly perfect man is either wandering in your living room or getting down with his bad self somewhere in the world right now. And when you see that bastard you’ll be all like:


And that, is awesome news.


Tune uP your expectations. And keep your standards high. But more than anything,

Keep them fucking real.

And remember.

“A person doesn’t have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.”