The Unexpected Questionnaire

September 27th 2012

Story originally written and experienced: November 12th 2011


I      sprinted >>>>> through the turnstile  




n the escalator and >>>> straight to the platform only to witness


<<<<<<< The E Train going the complete opposite way




And I was distraught for 2 reasons:


1. Um. The train left.

2. This subway station in particular always inexplicably smelled like diapers. And I was now forced to linger in the unwelcomed aroma for another 16 minutes until the next E train decided to stop by.


Headphones = in. 


I stood their stoically. Mostly because I wasn’t sure how else to stand and partially because I was enjoying the fact that I was fooling the cholo standing next to me into thinking I was listening to some passionate indie rock band whilst contemplating the lyrics…but really bopping along to a Waka Flocka Flame enjoying quality lines such as “Please take off yo pants. You pop on a handstand you got me sweating please pass me a fan DAMN!”


In the midst of  sympathizing with Waka,  I noticed a man appear in my

right side vision


He looked at me

And then I looked at him

And then he looked at me


And then I just stopped because there was nothing else to look at.


<<< And suddenly I noticed the man walking into my direction


He tapped me on the shoulder.


Alright Flocka brb. I pulled out my headphones and he began to speak.


“Hi I’m sorry I know this is really random but I  noticed you from across the way and I was just wondering if I could…ask you a quick question?”


He wasn’t a bad looking guy. Well dressed. Literary articles in hand. No weapons in clear sight. Good enough for me.


So I said

“Sure. What can I do for you?”

“Well. I don’t really do this often, but I was just curious…um…

If you were to be any animal, what would you be?”





Where the fuck is this train.


I glanced uP


14  minutes.


Fuck it let’s chat.


“I’ll be totally honest with you. That wasn’t entirely the question I was expecting you to ask…however,  I am prepared to answer it. But, before I tell you my answer, can I ask you what yours would be?”


II He paused II


Looked at me with a completely serious face and said


“Well I’d tell you but…I don’t want you to steal my answer.”


“Don’t be ridiculous Stefan, out of all the various animals in the world, I can assure you we do not have the same answer.”


“Alright, alright fine…a house cat.”




After exchanging productive banter for our similar animal of choice: My reasoning being that I’d never have to wear socks and basically just be alive to receive unlimited massages and Stefan’s explanation being “having an entire classification of women dedicated solely to him.”


<<<<<<<< the E train finally arrived and I immediately boarded the train 


and was on my way, ready to escape the bizarre happenings of 8 seconds prior. But during the rest of my lengthy commute to Queens, NY to meet up with the family where I would soon purchase 3 dumplings that would later  give me 7 days worth of food poisoning. (A story that is not for another time)


I got to thinking.


This is unacceptable. Surely, there are more credible animals out there (other than a house cat) that would provide more essential perks to the grand quality of life.  So, I created a list in case you too, find yourself spontaneously thrown into involuntary questionnaires about animals and need a solid 12 options to back you the fuck up.


12 Animals I’d Rather Be Than A House Cat


1. Angora Rabbit

My hair would be a house…So much rent money saved. So much.


2. White-Faced Saki Monkey

Fuck with me. I dare you.


3.  Sloth

So I can do this. And only this. All. The. Time.


4. Sucker-footed bat

So I could blame my insatiable stalking skills on my feet.


5. Yeti-Crab

Ready to make your blind dinner date just a little more awkward. “…I see you ordered the crab…”



6. Leafy Sea Dragon

Solely so that I could sign all of my paper work as “Leafy  Sea-dragon”


7. Yoda/Pug Hyrbid

So much wisdom and cuteness rolled into one creature.


8. Airborne Sheep

Add a little variety into the classic “mid-air” jumping pic with my friends


9. German Shephard

So my friends can get the full effect of how funny I really think they are.


10. Dumbo Octopus

Spice up the neighborhood pool party


11. Hamster

So I can show off talents such as these


12. House Kitten

So I can have whatever I want. All the time.


Feel free to drop this conversation topic at:

– A meet and greet

– A job interview

– A first date

– A business meeting


You’ll be well-prepared, charming and perplexing.


And besides, chances are low someone will jump on a train and take-off immediately afterwards. I personally, would never.


Leafy Sea-Dragon