August 12th 2013
I’ve got mail.
The other day I was sifting through my Olive The People inbox when I stumbled upon a certain e-mail nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award.
It was from a fellow blogger named Sarah, and in the end I learned a little more about my followers, and she learned a little more about me. The e-mail went like this:
Thanks for the kickass e-mail, Sarah.
And just for you (and your husband)
I have answered your questions you included in your e-mail below!
1. If you had to choose between Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Steve Martin’s acclaimed novella “Shopgirl” which book would be the best weapon in a bar fight?
Whichever one is a hardback.
Or sells for less on eBay.
Or makes a lame coaster.
Or doesn’t belong to me.
Or has sufficient spark notes so I don’t look like an idiot at book club sitting there with an inexplicable black eye and not a clue as to what happened in chapter 6 because I recently threw the damn thing at a locals face and Spark Notes totally bailed on me consequently bringing back a wave of high school memories like the time I attempted to read “Grapes Of Wrath” the day before the test via Spark Notes and it just wasn’t fucking there.
2. What is the longest period you’ve ever gone without bathing? Please note, stays in Turkish prisons do not count.
When I was 14 I freshly discovered the majesty of a straightener thus causing
My social life
And overall acceptance from other humans to vastly, vastly improve.
Pleased with my results after the first go around, I was terrified I would never look this irresistible again sporting an aeropostle polo and ill-fitted jeans to pair with my impeccable new hair do. A sexy, sexy combo, I know.
So…I made the executive decision to not wash my hair for 3? 4? Whole days in attempts to preserve the masterpiece I created.
…And not in the good way.
3. You’ve decided to take on three additional husbands and or wives, who are they? Both living and dead people may be included, although admittedly an attraction to the deceased is a little beyond me.
– Not romantically cool with the dead. Sexting can get very one-sided.
– I like bitches but I’m not tryin to get weird with them.
– So if I were to choose 3 breathing men on the planet right now I’d have to go with:
1. Jim Halpbert/John Krasinski
3. This guy
4. What is your most unfortunate public transportation story?
This one time I had to use the bathroom on a train in Morocco. And the bathrooms, as it turns out, were just…built in holes into the floor of the train….
By the time it was my turn there had been massive turbulence on the train…and consequently about 14 people with food poisoning that had gone directly before me.
5. Go back in time, you’re attempting to sell your five year old sibling, what is your asking price?
6 Fruit roll ups, 8 Packets of gushers and verification that Psyduck was the best Pokemon ever made.
6. In a bid to secure the Guinness World Record for “Longest and Highest Transport of Tom Cruise” you’ve decided to piggyback this superstar across the Andes. What phrase do you repeat to yourself during the tough parts of the trek to spur yourself onwards when Tom’s pointy hip bones are digging into your spine?
“Katie Holmes was here.”
7. What do you consider to be a valid reason for a hunger strike?
8. Name three items you hide from your spouse or significant other or even better, yourself.
B. My keys but only when it’s an emergency and only when I’m in a rush.
C. The complete inability to keep my cool after one singular mimosa.
9. Where are the hiding places for these items? Wait! Don’t tell me, I’m a terrible secret keeper.
In my pants. Oh shit you said…Okay not in my pants.
10. How do you feel about my interviewing skills? Will they make Oprah love me?
The only true test of that is if she gives you a free vehicle without ever even making eye contact with you.
P.S. did you know I used to work for Oprah? Read this.
Thanks for the Q&A sesh, Sarah! Totally fast-pitched me down memory lane and made my Sunday afternoon in a West Village coffee shop a bit more interesting. If anyone else has any more questions for my crazy mind, feel free to leave a comment here or e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Just like our friend Sarah here. And chances are decent I’ll make a damn post about those too. And in the meantime, I’m going to continue to be perplexed by this skiing ostrich: