April 18th, 2013
You’ve got a text.
You popular sonofabitch.
I got a text once. It was really great. My mom said –
…You’ve got another text.
No no. You go ahead.
I’ll just continue this conversation sola.
This seems important.
I only say that because emojis are involved.
2 minutes later
Love that you’re loling your pants off at something I can’t see.
No no I don’t want you to read it out loud.
No dude it’s cool you just do what you gotta do. Human interaction is overrated. Instagrammed pictures of rocks are calling your damn name.
I’ll just be over here doing this:
II Pause II
Ever feel like this person?
Ever feel like this sea-lion?
Ever think you’d be asked those 2 questions back to back?
I’ve felt like that person
And you have too.
Because we’re multitalented as balls.
But also because
We love the shit out of texting.
It’s easy. It’s fun. It makes you look popular as hell. It’s relatively effortless. It’s great hand exercise (lol)
So, what’s the damn problem?
I thought you’d never ask.
Let’s talk about it. Texting, I mean. If this nonsense is going to be a staple part of our modern-day relationships, then shouldn’t we all get our shit together and do the damn thing like upright/partially sober/moderately classy citizens? DAMN STRAIGHT WE SHOULD think about it. So I came up with a few rules. A few scenarios. A few pictures. And a few suggestions. Whether you’re a texting addict who “LOL”s and “HAHA”s and “ZOMG” s their way through life and/or you’re the old-fashioned soul who isn’t opposed to human contact, here is a universal breakdown for anyone who owns/has been emotionally tainted by a text messaging device.
Scenario 1. Drunk Text Protocol
You’ve had a few drinks. No no, you’ve had many drinks. You’re sloppy as fuck and ready for the WORLD TO KNOW IT. You’re ready to put your texting cap on and compose a few messages under the influence like this:
Want to text your friends and tell them you dig their existence? LOVE IT.
Lost your crew and slurring your speech in order to find them?
Text your ex/and or potential fling with an out pour of ungodly confessions? STOP IT.
Believe it or not, you’ve had better ideas. Not many. But you have had them. Your “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME” text may be a little hazy in your memory, but your outbox won’t let you forget your unnecessary confessions and you’ll spend the next morning with a lofty amount of regret like this:
And half-ass apologizing like this:
Leave that shit at home. Give that shit to your friends. Or, download this nifty app that always has your damn back:
Lesson 2: The anatomy of laughing over text
Don’t lie to me. Don’t. Fucking do it. If you’re lolling. You better be fucking Laughing up a goddamn storm.
– If you’re haha’ing. I’m assuming you’re giving me a virtual thumbs up that says “I see what you did there with that mild joke. And I dig it”
– If you tell me you’re LMAOing, I expect your ass to be long fucking gone.
Let me clarify with a chart:
#s = How funny I think you think I am based off your text-laugh of choice
(No I don’t over analyze texts…)
No pressure though..
Scenario 3: The “Response” battle
Listen to me.
Everyone does this shit.
Mostly to people they want to bang.
You take 30 minutes to text me back
Bet your bottom fucking dollar I’m gonna take AT LEAST 32 to get back to you.
Power struggle, son.
The “So sorry, I wasn’t waiting by my phone or anything. I’m extremely busy and preoccupied and didn’t see your text. That’s why I’ve been so MIA!”
Both of us.
You’re probably eating fruit.
And so am I.
We saw that shit at the first buzz.
But your delayed responses are causing me to eat a fuck ton of kiwi in between texts JUST TO PROVE that I am just as busy as you aren’t.
At first it’s fun but then you’re like. Wow. It’s been 3 days of texting and we’ve managed to say 4 things to each other. SOUND THE ALARMS. This flirting is out of CONTROL.
Texting in a timely manner isn’t weird.
In fact, it’s A-okay. And normal.
Let’s all get over this. Let’s all get over this right now.
Scenario 4: The Vague Assholes
We’re making a pact.
If you don’t want to hang out.
Or you don’t want to hang out with someone.
Or beating around the damn bush.
Kinda like this:
Let’s all agree to be grown adults and be straight forward with this shit.
None of this:
“I’ll be out sometime. Somewhere. At some point. Doing something. lolol.” < Nope
“Yeah! Maybe we can all hang out in a group sometime” < Nope
“Sorry! Just saw this text! Let’s hang out next time for sure!” < Nope
“I don’t like you”
“We’re not friends.”
“Give me french fries, then we’ll talk”.
That way the recipient isn’t sitting on the other end like:
And you’re free to roam and text others as you please. Or, if adulthood isn’t really your jam (guilty) you can always opt for the “no response” approach. Whichever floats your root beer.
5. The “I know we’re spending quality time together…but Imma text in your face anyway” celebrity.
Roll out the red carpet. Senor/Senorita Textmeister is at it again! Concaucting messages like a goddamn fiend and providing worthwhile screen shots for all of social media to enjoy. (Or not give a fuck about) But. Bruce is pissed. Who’s Bruce? Your goddamn friend that’s who. Here you are. The two of you. Hangin out. Chattin about life and shit. Swapping life stories. Talking about your damn day BUT WAIT you’re having an intense heart to heart with an amigo via text about the local pizzeria and that shit SIMPLY CANNOT WAIT.
II Motherfucking Pause II
You may think Bruce is absolutely smitten by your selfie and wildly convinced you’re listening to his latest woes and latest hoes as you rigorously punch away on your cell phone device directly in his face whilst eliminating all eye contact and chuckling to yourself in hysterics…but you’re wrong. So…so…wrong.
Bruce is sitting over there sad like this:
And you’re over there like:
I promise your “haha that’s funny” text. Or “Look how creative my face just got” snap chat will reach its proper recipient in due time. No worries. Be there for your friend. BE THERE FOR BRUCE. Act like you give a singular fuck about being alive and available for real human interaction. Put.the.phone.down. And if you can do it. AND ONLY IF YOU CAN DO IT (Don’t be weak sauce) Respond later. Thx.
There you have it ladies and gents, 5 quick but common clarification, suggestions and lessons to improve your texting etiquette. The texting world is a dangerous place. But. With a little goddamn respect and a sprinkle of class, we’ll all be just –
Sorry got a text.
What did you say?