July 12th 2013
You’re naked and you’re feeling weird.
…And I am too.
So you’re sitting here.
Jammin out with your clam out.
Rockin out with your…rocks out.
BEIN ALL LIKE:
Going apeshit in your lack of underpants to #usher when
Suddenly it dawns on you.
“I should send a text. NO. A sext.”
And begin reaching for your cellular device >>> ready to share your exposed goodies with the whole goddamn world because SOMEBODY (in your current contact list) NEEDS TO EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC THAT IS YOUR BODICE. Because let’s face it,
II Motherfucking pause II
You filthy animal.
Put some goddamn pants on and let’s chat for a hot second.
If you’re going to do this sexy nonsense. You gotta do it RIGHT. You gotta be SMOOTH and you gotta CHECK YOSELF before you WRECK YO – social status and overall dignity as a human being.
Just kidding. I’m not cool enough to pull that off phrase.
Now that you’re re-pantsed and ready to have distant pillow talk. Let me do us both a favor and concoct a rundown of the basic rules and regulations of sexting someone whilst you’re free ballin and free boobin.
Olive and Bentley Cooper present:
Sexting Etiquette 101
Tip 1: Make sure the recipient of the sext is remotely interested
Listen to me. You’re a sexy motherfucker. BUT. That DON’T MEAN I want a picture of your ass crack showing up in my GOD FORSAKING inbox. THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT, DEBBIE. You’re dignity is ON THE LINE! Save your packaged goods for someone who can appreciate what you’re twerkin with. And not chillin on the receiving end like:
Tip 2. Have some backup pics handy
AIN’T NOTHIN wrong with a little cheating.
…That rule only applying to
THAT’S RIGHT. There you are. You’re chillin. Eatin some ramen and doing some mild multitasking like this:
Your love interest (or something like it ) sends you a goddamn sext and is all like
“Hey baby. Whatchu wearin.”
And you’re all like
And you’re sitting there in your diaper shorts and discount noodles being all like
Cue in the backup pics.
through your goddamn archives. Back to April 2012 or some shit when you looked particularly good-looking and fresh.
Continue being awesome.
While your love interest (or something like it) is sittin on the other end in THEIR diaper shorts like
Tip 3: BACKGROUND CHECK
Stuffed animals? OUT
3 Day old Gatorade? OUT
Your extended DVD set of Lord Of The Rings Collectors edition? OUT
Your child? GET.OUT.
Ain’t NOBODY saving that sexless snap shot to their phone if you’re sending them shit like this:
Tip 4: Face/pose check
Now. If you so choose to do the face/naked body part combo. Ya can’t be boppin around ruining the goddamn mood with faces like this:
And poses like this:
Ya gotta twerk the eyes. Tousle the hair. Adjust the lamp in your room (because depending on the angle, that bad boy can be forgiving as SHIT) and pretty soon you’ll be a bona-fide doppelgänger of
Or Channing Tatum
Tip 5: Lock the goddamn door.
Nothing compromises casual friendships QUITE LIKE having your bare ass out to play and picture ready whilst an acquaintance walks the fuck in!
…Especially if that acquaintance is your god forsaking mom…
Your madre just freshly walked the fuck into the bathroom whilst you were taking a pic of your inherited goods and now you’re at the dinner table and shits real silent and REAL awkward. Judy attempts to break the lingering discomfort by asking you to pass the baby carrots and you’re all like:
Or maybe it was a roommate and she/he has just witnessed you in a stance that is both unnatural and unpreferred
And now you’re both 3 hours past the incident and exchanging mild small talk in hopes of forgetting the visuals of your bare bodice and more importantly, their severe (and slightly offensive) reaction to it:
Lock the damn door people. It will save a lot of people a lot of nightmares. Yourself included.
Tip 6: Timing is EVERYTHING
I don’t care how funky fresh you look at 3:00pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Do NOT send me your naked nonsense whilst I’m in a conference meeting, ordering a late lunch at the salad bar, sandwiched in between humans on the subway, about to beat the next level of candy crush saga, (SHIT PAUSES FOR A TEXT) or even having a day on the town with my precious ass grandmother. Save that shit for LATER. As a morning surprise or as an evening dessert. I’m trying to eat my caesar salad in peace whilst I type up professional shit and crush some fucking candy on my iPhone. AIITE?
Tip 7: Triple check who you’re sexting
BUT NOT THIS ONE.
Because you’re a SMART ASS individual who sifts through their contact list and knows the damn difference between “Dan” and “Dad”. Or “Mom” and “Molly” or even “Cable guy” And “Able Guy”
That shits for LIFE.
That shit is PERMANENT.
That shit is EVIDENCE.
And that shit is HILARIOUS.
At least when it’s not you.
Triple check, people
Triple. Fucking. Check.
And there you have it. A thorough breakdown in the scandy world of texting. A post that I indeed started to write in my underpants and finished writing on an airplane (with pants) for everyone to the back and sides of my aisle to witness as I typed out things like “You filthy animal” whilst I inserted pictures of cats and somehow segued into a reference to your mom unexpectedly witnessing your bare ass who later asked for baby carrots.
The kind of social sacrifices I make for you people…
Now, go forth my children! Re-depants yourself and sext with mediocre manners!…And under no circumstances tell anyone in my professional workplace or immediate family that this conversation ever happened.
I’ve got a mediocre reputation to uphold.