Your Not So Secret Search Engine Pt. 2

February 7th 2014

  The internet is a weird place.

This blog absolutely being Exhibit A


But when I’m not  typing out weird shit on here , other people are apparently…reading it.

…But not always the people I expect.

Things I did not seem coming: Those boots.

Who in the fuck.


What do I mean?

 What am I saying?


freaked out gif

Always so many damn questions.

Here’s the thing:

 About 7 months ago I ran an interesting analytic on my blog stats

 I shared that shit with you guys, and due to the entertaining success of it I decided to make a part damn 2.

 But just as a recap:

 Every day I check the analytics behind this ridiculous blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes). And very casually, to try to figure out who in the hell is stopping the fuck by.


 Before you freak out.

 I have no idea that you’re here right now.

 Not clue.

 Don’t know shit.

 Whether you’re sitting at your desk doing “work”, cruisin to the kitchen in your PJS, or trying to look legit in public by being on your phone,

 I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.

 But what I do know? Is that at the bottom

left hand corner of my analytics page?

Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 11.00.24 PM

Party over here.

I can see

What – people type into their search engines everyday that explains

How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I can take an interesting guess as to

Who –  these unique, web surfin individuals really are.


After 7 months went by, I got curious and I ran the analytics again. So we could once again lol together at your fellow readers and my apparent….target audience.

Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go

 Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 11.05.42 PM


27 (More) Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog

(And what I have to say back to you…)

ill bitch slap yo ass


Can’t decide if I should be scared…or turned on. Maybe both.


Raptor on  bicycle

Your wish is my command.

Your wish is my command.



Pie grande


The best kind of pie


Mitt Romney frown


Nothin but happy Mitt Romneys here




Asian sexy hoes


Think you were looking for my Family photo album. Shall fax you a copy shortly.



We got a dollar hey hey hey




Bill Cosby’s makeup


Sorry. Only have John Mayer’s headbands here


John Mayer’s headbands


There ya go


Tequila Cat


Just when I thought my college nickname had finally died…it didn’t


Megan Fox ass crack


My records show that you looked this up at 2:33 pm on a Tuesday. Mad respect.


im ugly! ugly1 ugly!




sticky boobs


Showing results for man repellent



cat skiing


Desktop image shopping, I see


how to use “haha” texts


See provided chart

How funny I think you think I am based on your text laugh of choice

laugh chart



How to reject someone you’ve slept with





what’s 12:16 am in 24 hour time


Hellz yeah college degree


Inside swiffer pads


Are useless



morning sexts to interest a man


A simple “Eatin toast and feelin weird #notindigestion” should do the trick


Lingerie lunch


Showing results for afternoon delight


How will the rejector feel if rejected asked someone out


Like shit


Distressed crab trees


Sounds like a personal problem. Assuming you’re a crab tree.


What to do with a boy you like at a sleepover


Make pancakes, talk about gettin hitched, definitely bring up your ex, give him the FYI you think showering is overrated


Wing Woman force-fucked


………what results you were trying yield here…I’m just…not…sure.


sloth questionnaire


Lots to ask them. I don’t blame you. 


what the fuck should I do at a sleepover?





homer simpson chloroform


…My favorite brand of choloform.


elephantitis craig is gay


Big year for Craig.


Now. Although you might be sittin there. Feeling ousted. And feeling paranoid. And being all like:


You have to understand. We’re friends now dammnit. Whether you did that shit on purpose or not. Our unexpected friendship is now officially a thing. SO keep bein weird on the internet. And I will too. It is, afterall, what brought us together in the first place.


Cornrows and shopping carts, together at last.

Like this post and also can’t stop thinking about bagels? Cool. Share this batshit blog with your best bitches and bros. It’s just the right thing to do.