Your Not So Secret Search Engine Pt. 2

February 7th 2014

  The internet is a weird place.

This blog absolutely being Exhibit A

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But when I’m not  typing out weird shit on here , other people are apparently…reading it.

…But not always the people I expect.

Things I did not seem coming: Those boots.

Who in the fuck.

 

What do I mean?

 What am I saying?

 WHOA

freaked out gif

Always so many damn questions.

Here’s the thing:

 About 7 months ago I ran an interesting analytic on my blog stats

 I shared that shit with you guys, and due to the entertaining success of it I decided to make a part damn 2.

 But just as a recap:

 Every day I check the analytics behind this ridiculous blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes). And very casually, to try to figure out who in the hell is stopping the fuck by.

 NOW.

 Before you freak out.

 I have no idea that you’re here right now.

 Not clue.

 Don’t know shit.

 Whether you’re sitting at your desk doing “work”, cruisin to the kitchen in your PJS, or trying to look legit in public by being on your phone,

 I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.

 But what I do know? Is that at the bottom

left hand corner of my analytics page?

Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 11.00.24 PM

Party over here.

I can see

What – people type into their search engines everyday that explains

How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I can take an interesting guess as to

Who –  these unique, web surfin individuals really are.

SO.

After 7 months went by, I got curious and I ran the analytics again. So we could once again lol together at your fellow readers and my apparent….target audience.

Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go

 Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 11.05.42 PM

 

27 (More) Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog

(And what I have to say back to you…)

1.
ill bitch slap yo ass

^

Can’t decide if I should be scared…or turned on. Maybe both.

2.

Raptor on  bicycle

Your wish is my command.

Your wish is my command.

 

 3.

Pie grande

^

The best kind of pie

 4.

Mitt Romney frown

^

Nothin but happy Mitt Romneys here

Proof.

Proof.

 5.

Asian sexy hoes

^

Think you were looking for my Family photo album. Shall fax you a copy shortly.

 

 6.

We got a dollar hey hey hey

^

Hey

 7.

Bill Cosby’s makeup

^

Sorry. Only have John Mayer’s headbands here

 8.

John Mayer’s headbands

^

There ya go

 9.

Tequila Cat

^

Just when I thought my college nickname had finally died…it didn’t

 10.

Megan Fox ass crack

^

My records show that you looked this up at 2:33 pm on a Tuesday. Mad respect.

 11.

im ugly! ugly1 ugly!

^

sucks

 12.

sticky boobs

^

Showing results for man repellent

 

13.

cat skiing

^

Desktop image shopping, I see

 14.

how to use “haha” texts

^

See provided chart

How funny I think you think I am based on your text laugh of choice

laugh chart

 

 15.

How to reject someone you’ve slept with

^

Mace

 

 16.

what’s 12:16 am in 24 hour time

^

Hellz yeah college degree

 17.

Inside swiffer pads

^

Are useless

 

 18.

morning sexts to interest a man

^

A simple “Eatin toast and feelin weird #notindigestion” should do the trick

 19.

Lingerie lunch

^

Showing results for afternoon delight

 20.

How will the rejector feel if rejected asked someone out

^

Like shit

 21.

Distressed crab trees

^

Sounds like a personal problem. Assuming you’re a crab tree.

 22.

What to do with a boy you like at a sleepover

^

Make pancakes, talk about gettin hitched, definitely bring up your ex, give him the FYI you think showering is overrated

 23.

Wing Woman force-fucked

 ^

………what results you were trying yield here…I’m just…not…sure.

 24.

sloth questionnaire

^

Lots to ask them. I don’t blame you. 

25.

what the fuck should I do at a sleepover?

^

sleep

 

 26.

homer simpson chloroform

^

…My favorite brand of choloform.

 27.

elephantitis craig is gay

^

Big year for Craig.

(….literally)

Now. Although you might be sittin there. Feeling ousted. And feeling paranoid. And being all like:

OH_SHIT_!

You have to understand. We’re friends now dammnit. Whether you did that shit on purpose or not. Our unexpected friendship is now officially a thing. SO keep bein weird on the internet. And I will too. It is, afterall, what brought us together in the first place.

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Cornrows and shopping carts, together at last.

Like this post and also can’t stop thinking about bagels? Cool. Share this batshit blog with your best bitches and bros. It’s just the right thing to do.