An Open Gracias To South By Southwest

March 27th, 2017

Stories originally written and experienced March 9th-March 19th, 2017


Dear South by Southwest,

I’m so sorry.

Before I moved down to Austin, Texas, I didn’t have a single clue as to what you were all about.




But listen.

Thank you.

Thank you.


After participating in your 9 full days of debauchery (while grabbing free shit all along the way), I’d like to say muchas gracias for it all.


And here’s what I mean:

Thanks for…

1. Building out a full-blown “Los Pollos Hermanos” restaurant in honor of Breaking Bad:



(then furthermore alerting me via email that I had been chosen to meet the cast..which I only realized after I checked my email…a day too late.)


2. Redeeming yourself by allowing us to meet an even better cast and crew:

World's best baby-sitter's club.

World’s best baby-sitter’s club.


3. Offering up a 360-degree live music show:


4. Opening my eyes to brand new breeds at the National Geographic exhibit:

A new species discovered: The peeping Jared.

A new species discovered: The peeping Jared.


5. Not turning me in after I crashed a private YouTube party:


6.  Paying for my personal reunions:


Being the perfect excuse for old-time friends to be sent here for business:

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7. Setting up badass stages behind dive bars then showcasing fiercely entertaining bands like this:


8. Giving us FREE hallucinogens:


9.  Stopping us on the street with a free invitation to an impromptu SNL show at the local theater:


10. Allowing us to rep the EU like never before:

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(free) Swag city.


11. Letting Pandora be our playground for a week:

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12 Keeping this rogue taxi driver (and nearby pedestrians) safe and sound after he slammed into the side of my work building at 9 AM taking two benches, part of the building, and one tree with it:



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Damnnnnnn, jr.


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Double damn, jr.!


And there you have it.

All of my most-recent gracias to you, South by Southwest.

You did it.

Damn well.

And I’ll never forget my work doors and home floors sHaKiNg to the beat of live music, good times, and free food on every corner. But if you’re asking if I’ll ever get over the “meet the Breaking Bad cast” thing, the answer is: