An Ode To Online Dating

February 13th 2014 

I wrote you a poem.

 A love.

 Poem.

 A love poem about…

 Dating.

 A love poem about dating

Online.

 You see.

My single lady and gentlfriends and I were talking recently about this batshit shenanigan called love.

 How some of us found that shit already

Not lettin this bastard go

Not lettin this bastard go

 

While the rest of the world is still kinda looking for the damn thing.

Just a matter of time.

Just a matter of time.

And how the online dating world  as proven to be an insightful and…intriguing tool to find a soulmate at the simple click of a drunk button.

Click click motherfuckers.

Click click motherfuckers.

Thing is.

 I believe in meeting people online.

 I think it’s grand.

 And after seeing some of the collected screenshots donated by my very own trustees,

 I’m here not only to tell you how MUCH I fucking approve.

 But rather, to relay it in a poem.

 A love.

 Poem.

 A love poem about dating.

 A love poem about dating.

Online

Olive, KatieBentley, Lindsay and Katherine present:

An Ode To Online Dating

O – is for…Options

Round 2, anyone?

Olivia. Lookin for round 2. Olivia.

Why date Frodo Baggins when you could date Hodo Baggins?

Why date Frodo when you could date Hodo? 

Yeah he's just really great with kids.

Yeah he’s just really close to his family.

 

Why date the common folk when you've got a celebrity at your finger tips

Celebrity alert. 

Well I was gonna ask what you look like in a scantily clad white striped dress but  I guess we're all updated...

Scantily clad ginger or hott cross buns? The gamble is yours.

My hero.

My hero.

Someone looks good topless.

Someone looks good topless.

 

 

N – is for…Non-Specific Profile Pictures

You've got a little something...on your...face...

You’ve got a little something…on your…face…

Don't know if I should respect your death grip on that McChicken, or the bitch who's goin for it.

Don’t know if I should respect your death grip on that McChicken whilst you sleep, or respect the bitch who’s goin for it.

Nice face.

Strategic shadows on your face and on your balls. Well-played. Well. Fuckin. Played.

 

Pee or gatorade? We just don't know.

Oh good. You’re online.

I'm glad you decided to get bangs. Suits you well.

Glad you decided to get the bangs. Suits you well.

Sorry, I prefer bears in laundry day clothing. Maybe next time.

Sorry, I prefer bears in second hand clothing.

Meet Katniss and Peeta's son, Peeniss.

Like Katniss? Like Peeta? Meet their son, Peeniss.

L – is for…Life Lessons

So a mix between beating on women...and liking dick. Good.

So a mix between beating on women…and liking dick. Good.

 

 

online dating 24

First date got weird.

online dating 25

Just you and me Kyle.

I- is for…Inquiries

online dating 22

Killing Kangaroo Spiders.

online dating 12

Nope. Definitely your face.

Hope. Just left aligned profile pictures with half of your head cut off. You're doing it all right, buddy.

Nope. Just left aligned profile pictures with half of your head cut off. You’re doing it all right, buddy.

Alert: Local bandit terrorizing the neighborhood public pools has been identified as ScruphMcgruph.

Alert: Local bandit terrorizing the neighborhood public pools has been identified as ScruphMcgruph.

Seeing as you disabled your account, I'm guessing you're out.

…Does disabling your account mean you’re out?

 

If you're down in the South at the time, GeorgeOnTap83, then probably not.

That depends, are all the men down there on tap?

 

Thanks. Use a deep conditioner twice a week.

Thanks. Use a deep conditioner twice a week.

online dating 23

Flirting at its finest.

 

 

N- is for…No filter

So day 1 of online dating went well.

So day 1 of dating went well…

 

online dating 16

Finish your bio section so it doesn’t end with an ellipsis after “wrong” and then we’ll chat about angel donations.

online dating 14

If you're not still blinded by the camera flashes, I'm down for some extreme serious spoiling...

If  you’re not still blinded by the “camera flashes”, I’m down for some extreme serious spoiling….

E – is for…Endings—Probably bad ones

Although our 0% match is tempting. Immana haft pass.

No.

 

online dating 1

Slow your roll, Nancy Drew.

 

 

And finally:

 

tinder 1

tinder 2

tinder 3

unnamed

And there you have it. My ode to the wonderful abyss known as the online dating community. Major kudos to those of you have successfully found your one and only online (I’M LOOKIN AT YOU MYSPACE)

 And even bigger kudos for those of you who are still braving this apeshit stomping ground of love.

 As for me?

 I’ll just be over here scaring off the locals like this:

My bad.

My bad.

 

Liked this post and have more weirdo screenshots to share? I DIG IT. E-mail me at olivethepeople@gmail.com OR share this shit with your fellow friends who deserve a goddamn love poem (or an unwarranted laugh. Maybe some bagels. Definitely a chalupa.)