My Inappropriate Plane Ride

July 18th 2013

So I’ve realized something.

I’m restless as SHIT.

So much in fact, I’ve been traveling like a maniac ALL OVER the damn place lately, leaving  a trail of classic “Olive The People” disaster on my way out like >>>>

Vegas

Disaster.

Disaster.

DC

Disaster.

Disaster.

Boston

Disaster.

Disaster.

The Hamptons

Disaster.

Disaster.

And this past weekend? I peaced the fuck out to Los Angeles to hang out with my damn family.

Disaster.

Disaster.

 

All of these events

being

sandwiched

between

A flight there >>>>>>>>                          <<<<<<< And a flight back.

So there I am.

On a plane.

Settin up shop in seat 14 D. Buckling my damn seat belt. Mentally pre-odering my beverage of choice so I could scream GINGERALE at Sherry the flight attendant’s face when she wheels her beverage buggy in my damn direction

GINGERALE, SHERRY!

I SAID GINGERALE, SHERRY!

 

Whilst I gear up for war just in case the over-sized chap next to me decides to monopolize the arm rest.

No MY ARMREST.

No MY ARMREST.

 

When suddenly.

Sherry flipped on the intercom, tousled her hair

A generous interpretation of Sherry...

A generous interpretation of Sherry…

 

And said:

“Ladies and gentleman.

Thank you for flying Delta Airlines.

In preparation for take off, please stow away all electronic devices, place your carry-on baggage beneath the seat in front of you, bring your seats back into the

u

p

right

position and please turn your attention to the front >>>> of the cabin as the flight attendant will demonstrate the safety manual found in the seat pocket

in

                   front

of you.”

Step the fuck off, Sherry.

I’m not listening to shit. Primarily because I want to finish this Billy Joel track on my i-pizzle and NO ONE comes between me and Billy Joel.

Me and Billy 4 lyfe.

Me and Billy 4 lyfe.

In fact. If you were to ask me to recap what you just said, I’d be all like:

happy endings max not listening

Priorities.

Why? Because I’m far too busy keeping my i-Pal on for an extra 2 1/2 minutes out of SPITE, and shall tuck it under my butt every time the segundo flight attendant trolls the aisle ways with hawk eyes looking for reclined seats and questioning people’s comfiness level in an exit row.

tumblr_lynigyw80B1r8058ko1_400

And

1

2

18 minutes

later, post my discreet anxiety attack as the aircraft disperses itself from the ground and charges towards straight air per my financial request, is when I will reach for the in-flight safety manual that you kindly demonstrated (and I ignored) beforehand, and non-chalantly peer through the diagrams with Billy in my ears in an attempt to kill a whole 4 minutes on this damn flight.

And that’s when I’ll see it.

All of it.

 The copious amounts of diagrams

And how much sense they don’t make.

How they were designed to save our lives in case of an emergency.

And how I’m laughing my balls off at them instead.

Consequently, creating alternate captions for these diagrams in my head.

And now in my damn blog:

20 Inappropriate Captions Alternatives To An In-flight Safety Manual

 

1.

Planes crashing. Get crunk.

Plane crashes: Making it that much easier to get down with your bad self.

 

 

2.

IMG_1123

Joanne. Told some girl named Olive on the plane she didn’t like Billy Joel. Resulted in violence. Joanne.

 

 

3.

"Listen son. If you're going to work for corporate one day, ya gotta learn how to bend over early"

“Listen son, if you’re going to join the work force one day, ya gotta learn how to bend over and take it like a bitch, like this!”

 

 

4.

One legged with a refusal to recline. Classic.

One-legged lady with a refusal to recline. Classic.

 

 

5.

"No no you guys go ahead Imma just...It's a submerged couch cushion in my purple sweater kind of night."

“Nah nah you guys go ahead. I’m cool. It’s a meditate-whilst-submerged-with-a-couch-cushion-in-dangerous-waters kind of night.

 

 

6.

Breast feeding: Not just for babies.

Breast feeding: Not just for babies.

.

 

7.

Delta airlines: Illumninating breasts since 2008.

Delta airlines: Illumninating breasts since 2008.

 

 

8.

Turn your baby into Jesus in one easy step!

Turn your baby into Jesus in one easy step!

 

 

9.

It's never too early to encourage birth control.

Then show him mad respect by dressing him like toast!

 

 

10.

Inflight Chastity belts! Buy yours now of $89.99 and we'll throw in free peanuts and a biscotti!

Get your in-flight chastity belts now and we’ll throw in 8 peanuts and a half-eaten biscotti!

 

 

11.

The gift of safety. And so much more.

Janice gave Timmy the gift of safety…and so much more.

 

 

12.

How to ruin your chance of survival in one easy step!

In case you’re looking to spice up your noodle-breaking skills.

 

 

13.

IMG_1146

“…So…no one invited girls then…”

 

 

14.

No. Jenny. I have no idea why you're still single.

In case you’re wondering why Jenny is still single.

 

 

15.

IMG_1147

Everyone can see you Lisa…Everyone.

 

16.

Jeff. Mad they ran out of sprite. Jeff.

Jeff. Mad they ran out of Sprite. Jeff.

 

 

17.

Jeff. Completely incapable of getting over this. Jeff.

Jeff. Completely incapable of getting over the Sprite debacle Jeff.

 

18.

Jeff. Tearing up the plane when Sherry suggest 7 Up as an alternative. Jeff.

Jeff. Tearing shit up when offered 7 Up as an alternative. Jeff.

 

19.

Jeff. Recruiting fellow passenger Diane in his rally. Jeff.

Jeff. Unaware he recruited fellow passenger Diane in his rally. Jeff.

 

 

20.

Fuckin Diane.

Diane. Judo chopping her way out the air craft and immediately regretting it mid chop. Diane.

 

And there you have it.

20 unwarranted mockeries of the in-flight safety manuals you once took semi-seriously whilst you cruised at exceptional heights and ate age-old pretzels. Steamy times, I know. I’m now going to continue investing my life with worthwhile activities like: eating leftover biscottis and continuing my mission to find Diane.

Crazy bitch.

Must leash this bitch.