October 13th 2012
Sorry I’m late…
“That’s alright Olive, where were you anyway?”
I should have known things would have taken a turn for the bizarre when 2 glasses into our vintage bottle of 2012 Malbec …I found myself doing things like this:
And proceeded to pose with it like this:
And whilst I was posing with vegetables in a fancy establishment I was also making simultaneous plans via texting with an old-time friend who had recently moved to the city. I agreed to meet up with her in a bit…unaware that my accident prone lifestyle was ready to make its late night debut…again.I bid adieu to Kate and the gang post dinner and drinks and at approximately 12:57 am, ventured to reunite with my throwback friend who was supposedly just a mere 7 blocks away.
Google map it.
Approximated arrival? 12 minutes.
Actual arrival time? 58 minutes.
What on God’s green earth happened in between then?
I began to travel up 8th street >>>>> miniature pumpkin still in bag…and was prepared to take an immediate right when I looked up and noticed a park.
Tompkins Square Park to be exact.
Hmmm…well…I could either…walk
Well. It’s 1:am. I can’t see a damn thing. My reflexes are a little slow.
Sounds like my kind of party.
And so I went in.
You know…logical decisions have never really been my forte. Feel free to use the following example as supportive evidence:
With each passing step
I wrapped my trench coat a little tighter and walked in my 6 inch heels a little faster.
Okay Olive, just…walk straight. Then you can’t get lost.
The gate to the other side of the park was getting
And I’m not sure if I was scared because of the dead silence, the billowing trees or the fact that when I reached the exit.
I saw this:
Freshly aware that I was trapped in a dark forested area at an odd hour of the night.
I decided to turn around.
I’ll just retrace my steps to the opposite side of the park from where I entered and all will be well.
Jokes on you, life.
No wait hold on. Jokes totally on me.
Somewhere in the
7 minutes it took me to walk through the park and back.
Someone took the liberty to lock the alternate entrance, and I was greeted with this:
I looked to my left and saw this:
And looked to my right and saw this:
And zoomed out on my life and realized that I was in fact here:
I needed a life line.
And I needed it now.
Ask the audience?
Well. my options were as follows:
1. The 6 homeless men sleeping like scattered panthers surrounding the premises or
2. No one.
…No I’m pretty sure the only answer here is C. Get the fuck out stat.
Phone a friend?
And phone a friend I did.
Told them the wonderful news. That it was past 1am and I was trapped in a park with only shadows as friends. That I couldn’t see a damn thing. And if they had any sort of advice whatsoever. That would be grand.
Suddenly I and screamed.
“Shh…there’s a van with 4 men inside and I’m about to pass it. So I’m hiding…Shit they keep looking at me. Just stay on the phone.”
“What is wrong with you.”
“NO SIR I DON’T WANT YOUR CANDY STAY AWAY!”
“Are they talking to you?! Don’t talk to them!”
“They see me. I don’t have a choice. I need to defend myself.”
“I really feel like survival is just not on your priority list. Ever.”
My friend was a blind witness to the supposed insanity that was going on around me in this abandoned park in the middle of the night. They were under the impression I was battling 4 men with weapons in front of my very eyes. When really…
“Okay they’re gone. I took care of it.”
“What? How did you take care of it?”
It really wasn’t until the next day that I explained to my friend that during that entire 6 minute episode….
I was sitting indian style next to an azalea bush, just being…dramatic.
There I was
No van. No men. No conversation.
Just a confused wasian performing an unwarranted monologue in Tompkins Square Park at 1:30 am.
Once my monologue came to a closing. I stood back up and reconvened my original goal of getting the fuck out.
“Have you tried…climbing the fence, Olive? Maybe?”
I marched over to the 6 foot fence barrier.
t d my belongings over the fence, told my friend to hold on and began to climb in this:
Bystanders on the latter side of the fence were only slightly concerned and not at all helpful whilst witnessing a 5’1 girl in stilettos hover atop a 6 foot chained fence without any certainty on how to…get
I decided to just leap and take my chances.
on my face.
I gathered my belongings from the floor. Hung up on my friend without any explanation. And moseyed over to meet my long-lost friend.
And when they inquired about my tardiness,
I blamed it on elongated conversation at my previous location and untimely walk signals along the way.
Leaving out entirely that I was just recently airborne from leaping off of a 6 foot fence and the terrible decisions that occurred directly before it.
And realizing that sometimes.
Some things are just better left unsaid…and perhaps undone.