September 17th 2012
Hey so, have you ever taken a gander at the personal Ads on Craig’s List?
…Were you being serious?
So was I. Here’s how it happened:
I myself have never peeked into this dark alley area of the internet, with the exception of every.single.day. this past week.
And here’s why:
My friend Byron and I were partaking in an innocent humorous link-exchange
things took a swift turn for the weird. What started as an innocent skim through of Craig’s list personal ad section, ended in a full-blown consultation help desk sponsored and founded by yours truly. I only have the best intentions, I promise. It’s just that after shimmeying through a few of these candidates, I realized that with just a few pro-bono editorial critiques/translations, these seemingly scary and creepy offers would appear to be everything you could ever want out of a Craig’s list posting. Allow me to show you my portfolio:
Blue is me. Not Blue is not me.
Summertime Romance << Straight and to the point. I like it. Keep it.
Are you lookin’ for a summertime romance that is both consensual (obviously), yet carnal (what?) AND mental?
I’m gettin’ sick of the playboy lifestyle. (me too, man) I mean, I’m not ready for anything super long-term, but my man pool is definitely open for business up until the end of August, (I have no idea what a man pool is. But I am not attending.) maybe September, (still not coming) and I’d like a 100% woman (Are you willing to round-up? 64%? No? Fine.) who wants to take a love dip during those hot summer nights.
It’s not that I’m afraid of commitment, I’m still married by the law to Ann, but she’s old news in the Snooze section. (I’ve met Ann in the snooze section once, great gal) A little about me, people say I’m a bad boy. (This was a self-survey, wasn’t it?) But you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, just ’cause mine has a rockin’ pony, complete with a ‘rang. (I’m not going to even attempt to understand that sentence.)
I drive a convertible sports car (you just gotta check it out) which is perfect for cruisin’, sippin’ G&Ts, and “more” (wink). (Well now that you’ve added the parentheses wink, how can I resist?) I’m also a bold flavor man from way back .(How far back are we talkin here…) Whether I’m grillin’ you up one of my signature steaks (complete with my special seasonings) or blowin’ your mind with my world famous Bratato salad (that’s my homemade mustard potato salad, with thick cut chunks of meaty Cheddarwurst mixed right in for a flavor explosion like a thousand suns. It’s so money.) ( I only eat things that are “so money” so this works out perfectly) , you’ll be eatin’ outta bounds, 24/7. (This is gold. Bold this shit when you get the chance.)
And around me, you’ll always have a fresh cold one. I’m not one of those corncobs (maybe you should be) who lets it get down to the flat & warm spit before I’m right on point with somethin’ to wet your mouth down properly. (I feel like you could have said that differently…) If you want a mental picture of what my touch is like, just jump off a roof at 3:57 in Still of The Night by Whitesnake. (Don’t really do that and get crippled, but just picture it. It’s the ultimate in carnal passion.) (Thank you for that disclaimer. I was on my way to Whitesnake until you said something.)
Also, I’m always down for a Top Shelf Marg, anytime, and I’m not stingy like Dave who will buy you a marg (No one knows who Dave is) but then you find out it’s not Top Shelf and wanna smash his face for lyin’. (I think that’s just you. Also, you’re no longer invited to my birthday party) If these things are to your enticement, and maybe give you the lady tingles (love a good lady tingle) , then let’s roll, you guys. (Wait. Who else is coming?)
WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend (This sounds a little bit like she’s on the loose. But okay)
Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don’t really want a girlfriend. (That wasn’t clear at all)
I just want one for the holidays. (Oh. okay)
Let’s recognize something. (I’m down) The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others’ parents houses, blahblahbarf. (Well said)
Let’s recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don’t want to be alone for the holidays. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let’s also recognize that it’s getting fucking cold here) (we are recognizing entirely too many things) and someone to accompany you to your friends’ coupley holiday parties so they don’t keep thinking you’re a loser destined for permanent solo status. (What in the hell kind of friends do you have?)
But, you’ve spent all year working on your career / training for charity bike rides / getting drunk and haven’t had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend. ( I’m not sure “track down” and “capture” are the appropriate words…) And even if you did, you’re not really sure you’d want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyway. (naturally)
Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays. (Well, only because you asked so nicely.)
How it works:
You reply with a picture and a brief bio (250 words max.) If it seems like a good fit we’ll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). (But what if I’m hungry?) If that’s a success and we’re both feeling it, we’ll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. (Let the countdown begin) After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call). (This seems like a high-quality arrangement.)
The benefits: ( I feel like you’ve listed plenty already.)
– You have someone to keep you company on these witch-tit-cold (hahahahahahaha) San Francisco nights. Did I mention I’m an excellent cuddler? (I have references.) (Send it over in a J-Peg format. Thanks.)
– I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you’re an omnivore, you win. (I win!)
– Having done it professionally for some years to pay for school, I know my way around a bar. Same goes for wine cellars and beer coolers. Homemade winter warmers? Done.
– Hate holiday music? Me too. Seeing as every other establishment or event you step into will be playing it, I’ll spare you the excess. (You’re too kind)
– Love taking photos? Sweet. Let’s wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz. (I like to lulz)
– Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve who doesn’t look (or sound) like Sloth’s cousin? Boom! Got you covered. (Close-call. Thank you. This seems like a much better option)
28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes. (That’s not really your call)
Not About You (aka Dealbreakers or, Don’t Bother if You Exhibit the Following):
Heavy drug use, laziness, prudishness, still in love with old boy or girlfriend from years past (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it). (Try to sound a little less sensitive here)
Interested? Then send your pic and bio and get this ball rolling. (Shall help you roll balls shortly.)
Seeking women with sexy feet (Specific. And weird. I like it.)
Seeking white female(s) 19-50 (That is quite the range) with sexy feet that are into or open to having their feet massaged or worshiped as well as good company and exceptional conversation. (This sounds a whole lot like a pedicure…) series (typo) replies only please, lots of pics of me available, (I don’t care what my feet worshiper look like. I’m not shallow.) will ask for pics of your feet. (Oh. Okay…brb)