My Craigslist Commentary 8

August 2nd 2013


Took another gander at the Craigslist posts this month.

Collected that shit for you.

And you’ll never believe what I found.

And what I had to say about it:

Blue= me. Not blue = Not me

Dresser For Sale (I like it.) – Possessed By Ex Girlfriend (That’s kinda hott)

I am selling the dresser that my ex left behind when we split. (Keep talkin)

Like our relationship, she felt it wasn’t an obligation of hers to move anything along in our union or move anything out when she left. (So it ended well then) This dresser has 9 drawers for hiding everything from the largest load of bullshit to the smallest of bits of emotion (Not what I thought you meant when you said this was a combo deal…)

It’s made mostly of solid wood and is very sturdy and very heavy – again like my ex but with less pulp. (A pulpy ex…nice)

I believe it is made of oak and not of self loathing and hatred (So Mahogany….or…)

It has a huge trifold mirror that was perfect for each of her faces. (Convenient) Very few bumps and bruises – this dresser is a real keeper and just needs a little TLC – not years of therapy or Daddy’s approval. (Fresh out of both of those so this works) No reason to create the illusion of a bad childhood because this dresser is willing to provide a purpose for a family – storing clothes with no emotional baggage or snack cakes. (Emotional baggage and Snack Cakes =  Hello new band name!) Doesn’t bitch, never wonders where you have been and it can be friends with other pieces of furniture without being jealous or complaining. (As long as it doesn’t hook up with my nightstand. I’m cool)  It does not believe the foot stool is a whore! (The foot stool is definitely a whore) Drawers slide open freely and easily like my ex but without the aid of alcohol, cash, or credit cards.

I am looking to sell it for the same amount of weight she gained in our relationship about $150. (That’s offensive….ly awesome. I’LL TAKE IT) That price is not negotiable unlike my ex in any bar on a Saturday Night.Valued at a lot more and like my ex at that price I am giving it away (Deals all around!)Pickup only as I am just one man and like my ex – one guy just won’t cut it so bring your friends! (Ahh..fresh out of those too..)Well worth it if you are a wingman, the adventurous type or a glutton for punishment (Not opposed to S&M)

DISCLAIMER: Exorcism unnecessary as its evil spirits left having already drained me of anything identifying me as a man and human being (Congrats!)


Girl in my apt who saw me fall down my stairwell naked. (…so we meet again)


I don’t know why this would be necessary, but we live in a building located by Addison/Lakeshore. (Witness my neighbor expose our address as public knowledge – Check.) And I’ve seen you before and you have seen me. (Sounds like bad song lyrics to me) About a month ago we had a talk as we both got our mail and talked about getting a dog and my thought was; Hey, become friends with this girl, then woo her into a relationship and start a family, etc. (Wow the only thing I thought about after that was Kung pao chicken #takeout) 


Well today, or this morning rather, the worst thing happened and I am literally hating myself. (…Are we close enough for this…?) Yes I am one of the few assholes who actually gets the newspaper delivered to my apartment (so I can clean my windows and start Bon Fires easier – K). What’s more, I sleep naked. Judge me all you want but it’s just what I do. I’m like a caveman I suppose. (Window washing – Bonefire makin caveman. Got it.) I’ll continue… (I’m sure you will)


Walking around this morning as I used my morning wood to hold up my IPad, (So there’s that) I picked up some things here and there then looked out my eye hole to see my paper was delivered but about 10 feet from my door, right by the start of where the stairs descend. It was early, so I didn’t fear getting caught and being as it was laundry day I just didn’t want to calculate the energy it would take to get sorta dressed just to get the stupid Trib. (Putting on underpants = not a gargantuan task) And so, with my eyes still blurry from my deep sleep the night before, I spring out of my door to grab the paper.I had been planning to lean over and grab it and then run back inside. You know that thing where you lean over and one foot comes up while the other stays on the floor? (News to me. Pun intended.) Regardless of the dangers involved exposing your butthole this close to Boys Town – especially if you work out as I do, (Exposing butt holes in Boys Town. Quit wooing me. Really.) it still seemed like a simple maneuver.Sadly, I did not execute it that well. (As I was soon to find out) And though you are partly to blame, I am not mad at you. (Good talk) Ya see here is what you need to know. The minute. The EXACT minute I grabbed the paper, the door to your apartment at the bottom of the stairs shut, quite loudly I must say. I was so caught off guard I kept leaning forward as my brain struggled to make sense of the physical nature I was involved in. (Aka you were fucked up)  Meanwhile, my body essentially decided to do a cartwheel, then a somersault, then a backwards somersault, followed by an almost flawless swan pose (Productive Saturday!) for a second or two (I just went with it), whereupon I concluded the fall down the stairs completely naked with a botched backflip, one that somehow left your face in the area I use to excrete the byproducts of metabolizing food. (Pretty sure I emotionally blocked this out. But yeah let’s keep talking about it.)Struggling to get up, as you screamed, I hit my head on the bottom of a fire extinguisher metallic compartment, and honestly, that alone hurt like a mother. (Your bare ass was in my face. You do not win.)


Bleeding at the crown of my eye, blood poured down to my forehead and face as my one foot caught in the railing as well as your Dolce Gabana Light Blue perfume made it extremely difficult to get off you. (Just fast-pitched that shit in my trash can) Not sure how, but somehow, someway, my morning wood was still prevalent and I know this is the wrong time to make note of it, but right then and there I chalked it up to a recent increase in fiber. (I was wondering about your fiber intake lately. Thanks for the update.)Who knows? (Not my priority)It doesn’t matter how this all ended. (I now have pink eye. It definitely matters how this ended.) And any way, the detective seemed more suspicious of the fact I still read that the newspaper more so than my bad luck, but no charges were pressed. I heard you were taken to Rush Hospitals “Where PPO’s mean more” to be evaluated for some sort of shock or post traumatic stress which was ironic because in a way you were probably stressed out just from me falling on you naked! Right? (……) Noting this weird occurrence to our building manager, he shook his head and asked if I had read Of Mice And Men. I said no to which he replied I should be treated like the idiot at the end of the story. (I always knew I liked that guy) I am guessing this was the novel that was made into Forrest Gump? I dunno… Whatever. Look, I live right upstairs. (Very….painfully aware) Come over after work and let’s listen to some CCR and see where the Franzia takes us. (Don’t sit on my face again)

Your Neighbor, (My attacker)



Drunk girl on my lawn (Lucky guess on my high school superlative)


There I was, just yesterday, I can remember it so clearly. I woke up around 2 AM to take a nice fat leak (not necessary) when I noticed your squeeky giggle outside of my window. (What’s up) I looked out my window half-naked as an odd mix of shock, disgust, pity and blush washed over me. Not only were you a stunning redhead just a little shorter than me with, what looked like, a curtain and drapery matching combo (Good call out…) , but you were also taking a dump and piss on my lawn at the same time. (Mom always told me I was a good multi-tasker) For that I have to give you props, I don’t think I’ve ever achieved that level of toilet mastery. (Lucky guess on my college superlative) I immediately came out to see if you were alright or needed a ride home, seeing as this town isn’t exactly well suited for, what I’m guessing to be, an 18-21 drunk girl at 2 in the morning, (…not sure many towns are well suited for that but yeah I was definitely fucked)  but me coming out in a bathrobe and asking apparently scared you because you started running with a turd still sticking out of your ass and dove headfirst into my car, leaving a dent in it. (This is only the 2nd time I’ve done this. Cut me some slack) I told you to hold on as I was gonna shut off the car alarm and get you an ice pack but I’m not sure if you heard. What I am sure of though is that you sat on the trunk of my car smearing shit all over it, took off your shoes, left your half full smirnoff bottle and ran like hell. (I have approximately 0 excuses for that) Normally I wouldn’t let a girl shit all over my things and put a dent in my car until we’ve gotten on a first name basis but for you I think we could work it out. You know where I live. (And you know how I shit. This is a romance waiting to happen)


See the rest of this batshit series here:

Part 1: Seeking woman with sexy feet

Part 2: Best. Roomate. Ever

 Part 3:  Women to sit in my bath tub full of noodles wearing a bathing suit

Part 4: I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit

Part 5: To the woman who crapped her pants in my car

Part 6: Idiot dog to any home

Part 7: Oh my god. Oh. my. god.