My Craigslist Commentary 6

April 30th, 2013

I’ve collected the most recent batch of weirdos. 

Just for you bitches.

My Craigslist Commentary 6 starts in




Fuck it:

Did you leave a prosthetic leg on the bus this morning? – (Yup.)

I found a prosthetic leg wearing a Lucchese brand cowboy boot on the bus this morning. (Give that shit back) I’m not sure what brand the leg is (…irrelevant…), but it’s only the shin and foot portion and it’s not mechanical looking. (You’re quiet the poet)  Rather, it looks semi-real–almost like it could be from a giant plastic doll or something. (I appreciate the breakdown)

I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and tried the boot on. (…I mean that’s my foot. I definitely mind. What the f- ) Magnificent! (Hey thanks) At first I wondered why a prosthetic leg user would have purchased such a comfy boot. (Fresh out of cactus boots)  Then I figured that you probably have another leg and foot that actually work and they probably really appreciate the cushion and arch support provided by the Lucchese boots.

I really hope I can meet you and ask you more about your condition. (I really hope I can meet you and take my leg back and make it as silent as of a process as possible)  I wonder what Koreans would say about you if you went in for a pedicure. (Probably something in Korean)  Do you get charged half price for pedicures? That would be fucked up if you didn’t. (WORD) Do you think they’d charge me full price if I went in for a pedicure with you? (..You’re  not going a damn place with me) Anyway, I really want to give you your prosthetic leg back because I imagine that you’re hopping around, or worse, forced to wear a makeshift papier-mâché leg, or WORSE, forced to wear a thick tree limb like a pirate. (Currently shifting between the 3. Give me my fucking foot back.)

Hopefully we can meet for lunch sometime and I can give you your leg back. (Lunch and a leg return…classic) Oh, and please only respond if you’re attractive. (Pardon…) You see, there’s this fantasy I have, (Don’t even say it…)  like a modern-day Cinderella, where I finally meet the owner of the leg and he turns out to be a charming prince. Well… maybe not a prince. I want you to be a sexy cowboy war hero who has had one of his legs and both of his testicles blown off in a grenade explosion in Afghanistan. (…Legless cowboy with blown off testicles from a grenade explosion…just go ahead and keep that leg)

It would be really romantic for you to sweep me off my feet (Well you’ve literally swept me off mine so fair is fair I suppose.) in some café downtown. And then we’d both fall over because your makeshift tree leg wouldn’t be able to support both of us. (Mahogany can be unreliable.) We’d share a laugh. (Doubt it) I’d kiss you on the cheek (Okay) and then reattach your professionally made prosthetic leg for you. (FOR IT) Based on how breathtaking your prosthetic leg is, I can only imagine that you’re incredibly handsome. I would have taken a picture of the leg, only for the pleasure of readers paging through, but I don’t have a digital camera. I did the best I could sketching it. Please know that this is no way as amazing as the real thing!-Candy


(Thank god you put that bone in there, otherwise this would have been unrecognizable.)

Idiot dog to any home (Airbud’s original title) 

This dog is a North American Black and Tan Jackass, (Sounds like my 7th grade boyfriend)  2 years old (…I take the back immediately) and has ADHD. (I untake that back)
Likes to dig. Will dig his own water bowls. He will eat any kind of food or non-foods. In the past he has eaten and returned: two pig-shaped corn holders, pencils (found metal and eraser), matchbox cars, a spoon, everything out of the compost bin, and a diamond necklace. (Sounds versatile and immortal)
He’s REALLY friendly and will hump any dog or small child he can find. Yes, he’s neutered. Excellent jumper. Would be a great foxhunter if he was a horse. (…..)
Cannot walk in a straight line. (I’m not better than him)
Cannot be walked in town. He will have a meltdown; yipping, spinning, and working himself up so much that he will collapse from the sheer mental exhaustion that comes from walking to the corner store. (Love a little drama)
Will not bark at strangers in your home. (Useless)
Attention span maxes out at 4 seconds. Not food, toy, clicker, or praise motivated. You can watch his brain shut off. His eyes go vacant in a blink. (I have a similar relationship with Titos vodka)
Pulls. Pulls HARD. Wear gloves while working with him. I have lost skin from the leash being ripped from my hands.
Will respond to shock collar beep and occasionally vibrate settings. Ignores shock setting. 
If you are interested in adopting Dingus, (Confirmed. Definitely 7th grade boyfriend. ) let me know. I’ll leave him attached to the mailbox for pickup.
What's good, Dingus.

What’s good, Dingus.



Chubby white girl in Levittown walgreens – (You must be a ladies man)

Like at 9 pm Saturday you was in Walgreens buying soda you have a black stretch pans on love you big white ass I can’t stop imagine you you have a tattoo in left arm I love you ass (…wait what.)

Paging Michelangelo (What’s up.)

We need an artist to depict the following: an owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder. (My specialty)  The parrot is not a skeleton and is very colorful. The parrot has a peg leg, with a pirate hat on. (Role reversal. I like this shit) The owl has an eye patch and a gold chain necklace with a skull on the pendant of said necklace. (Born and bred from the Bronx. Got it) The skull in the pendant has an eye patch on the opposite eye of the owl (long story there don’t ask) (…No questions so far). The owl skeleton also has on a wizard’s hat with that typical wizard hat wrinkle. (I normally do atypical wrinkles but alright) The owl is standing on a cowboy hat from a whale’s spout. (…The fuck kind of a weird turn is this taking.) This all is within a snow globe. (…) That santa is holding with his only good hand because his other hand is a hook. (And this painting is hanging…where…exactly?) Mrs. Clause is pulling on Mr. Clause’s coat with one of those dinosaur mouth grabbers that all 80’s children know. (Good way to bring back the memories for sure…)

The artist who could handle the commission would get both some cash and “a prize.” (These quotations make me highly uncomfortable)

(Side note: the oddly specific nature of this image request parallels those often received by our own creative director, Aurich Lawson, who has fielded article image suggestions that make this one look absolutely normal by comparison. – Nothing weird about this.)

My Craig’s List Commentary

My Craig’s List Commentary 2

My Craig’s List Commentary 3

My Craig’s List Commentary 4

My Craig’s List Commentary 5