My Craigslist Commentary 5

March 12, 2013

And this shit just






Craigslist Commentary 5 Starts Now:

To the woman who crapped her pants in my car (hey)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. (Winner!) I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. (this…this is a great day.)

I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. (I think the hot wings and chili beer combo was our first mistake) I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. (Chili beer goggles. Classic)

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. (Only recently started agreeing with that statement) For you, it just so happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. (Thanks for the kind reminder) Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. (This public clarification helps for sure)

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. (Remind me why I’m not returning your calls again?) The first time I did it was very memorable.  It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. (your uncle and passenger seat have a lot in common) I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… (Your choice to crank the heat, not mine.)

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.  (I’m down for toast)

I await your call,

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .Touché. . .


Required Dragon Slayer (As opposed to an optional, dragon slayer.)

I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north-east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week. (Define “better part”.” I’m more of a Tuesday, Wednesday girl myself and I didn’t see any reptiles on either day. Please advise.) I am looking for someone to:
1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area. (But…think about all the potential s’mores to be made..)
2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area. (Just tell them there’s free snacks. Works on me every time)
3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit. (Dance-off?)
No Pay, dragon slaying is its own reward. (And great exercise!)
Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement. (…Noted.)

Dumpster lover (But most people call me Peaches)

I was running from an alien and I jumped into an alley way dumpster to hide and you were there napping and I woke you up. (…Doesn’t ring a bell) We shared something outta your flask and we laughed and talked about comets coming our way and grilled cheese. (Chocolate and cheese. And underrated combo.) You called yourself Blump. (Peaches or Blump. Your choice.) But I had to go poop so I went to the gas station down the road and when I cam back you were gone. (Read what you just said. And then ask me again why I left.) Just wanted to make sure the alien didn’t track my scent and find you instead. (Naturally) Hope you are well. Meet me at the dumpster behind Mcdonalds tomorrow for lunch. (The beginning to any good love story)

  • Location: dumpster (So your place then)

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