March 12, 2013
And this shit just
Craigslist Commentary 5 Starts Now:
To the woman who crapped her pants in my car (hey)
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. (Winner!) I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. (this…this is a great day.)
I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. (I think the hot wings and chili beer combo was our first mistake) I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. (Chili beer goggles. Classic)
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. (Only recently started agreeing with that statement) For you, it just so happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. (Thanks for the kind reminder) Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. (This public clarification helps for sure)
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. (Remind me why I’m not returning your calls again?) The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. (your uncle and passenger seat have a lot in common) I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… (Your choice to crank the heat, not mine.)
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. (I’m down for toast)
I await your call,
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .Touché. . .
Required Dragon Slayer (As opposed to an optional, dragon slayer.)
Dumpster lover (But most people call me Peaches)
- Location: dumpster (So your place then)
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