April 2nd 2015
I don’t know about you guys.
But I’m ready to make it RAIN.
It’s TAX SEASON ya’ll!
And once we can agree I just forged a poor southern accent, we can also agree that the only thing more emotionally jOlTiNg than getting your tax return back:
Is sitting the fuck down and filing that shit in a timely-ass manner.
So we can quit being like:
And start being like:
Which is why Malcolm and I created a list.
So you too can get through this proverbial shit.
Because chances are.
If you’re reading this?
You’re not a major corporation. But rather. A young decently-respected adult. Earning a meager salary and WELL AWARE of what at least five different flavors of ramen taste like:
You enjoy filing your taxes—just as much as you enjoy getting the fuckin flu shot. I feel you. We ARE you. But it’s not all bad. We promise.
Because you’re about to get a nice little influx of cash flow coming your way. And in the meantime? We’ve got a killa killa playlist to help you move this money thing right along.
Malcolm and Olive present:
The 8 Steps To Kick-Ass At Taxes
(and some killer songs to go with it)
Step 1. STOP COMPLAINING. SIT DOWN. CRACK A BEER. PUT YOUR GAME FACE ON.
Here’s the thing.
I was never sure if 2002 JTizzle was telling the listener to cry him a river sarcastically, or if he was being 100% REAL with his request. For the sake of this exercise, imagine JT telling you to cry him a raging river in a really sarcastic and belittling tone.
Remixed, of course.
Justin Timberlake – “Cry Me a River (Deficio Remix)”
Step 2. THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH THE GOVERNMENT OWES YOU, AND THEN JAM THE FUCK OUT ABOUT IT
Sángo – “Owe Me Back”
What a gem.
Takin an old Nas/Ginuwine song “You Owe Me” and choppin it up oh-so-finely.
Check, Check, Jam it out:
Step 3. SAY YOUR NAME. THEN MAKE IT RAIN.
ODESZA – “Say My Name (Hermitude Remix)”
I don’t think you can spit in the air and not have it land on someone who HASN’T remixed this song. Like a modern day sonic Helen of Troy, this is the song that launched 1,000 remixes. But guess fricken what?
Most of ’em are amazing.
Our funky fresh fave bein this one:
Step 4. DON’T GET MAD. GET GLAD.
Filing taxes is some tedious shit.
Piles of paperwork. Realizations that you spent an absurd money on burritos in the latter half of 2014.
No need to be sad. Instead. Get fricken glad.
Because once the bull shiza is over.
You can buy something shmancy and dance to happy songs with deceivingly sad titles like this:
Porter Robinson – “Sad Machine”
Step 5. KEEP GOING. BECAUSE JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.
Alt- J – “Left Hand Free”
So I was thinking about it.
And chances are grand that most of my tax-savvy peeps are right-handed, leaving their—dare I say it—LEFT HAND FREE to do lots of stuff like, cup a beer, snack, turn up the volume on an episode of Broad City or most importantly:
Whether you’re a right-handed Randy or a left-handed Lucy.
You get my goddamn point:
Step 6. FILE —> CELEBRATE
Take your pants off.
And rock out my friend.
Because YOU are officially TAX-FILING FREE.
For like a year.
Penguin Prison – “Calling Out (Elephante Remix)”
Step 7. SPEND THAT EXTRA CASH ON SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL
Put on your classiest sneaks.
Grab your wallet that’s somehow survived since 2009.
Play this fuckin song.
And buy something fucking delightful.
Like a latte. Or a Lamborghini.
The Score – “Oh My Love”
Step 8. DON’T GET AUDITED
Stay sketchy. Coast under the radar. And make this song your goddamn anthem:
Inner Circle – Bad Boyz (Major Lazor x Gianni Marino Bootleg)
Happy Tax Season ya’ll. (let the accent happen)
Just a little bit longer until we all look like this: