Just A Heads Up About Your Dream Girl

October 22nd 2013

What a HOTTIE.

Your dream girl that is.

Look at her.

Look at her.


. . . Long, lustrous hair. Bombshell body. Killer appetite to hang with the boys:


. …But a KICKASS bodice that somehow appears like she only shovels in fuckin quinoa.

"I just ate 8 bagels and lost 6 pounds. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES."

“I just ate 8 bagels and lost 6 pounds. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES.”


She’s funny, adorable, gleams at you like you’re her knight in shining frickin armor, preps you a sandwich every hour on the hour and thinks that having a threesome is the best  DAMN IDEA you’ve EVER had. .

Omg why didn't you say so before! Peggy is on her way!

Omg why didn’t you say so before! I’ll call Candy right away!

Where is this bitch?

Come to papa.

Come to papa.


. . . NOT HERE. . . Or anywhere, really. . . Hold on. . . Don’t get your goddamn panties in a bunch.

okay what did I JUST SAY.

Okay what did I JUST SAY.


Thing is. This theoretical goddess isn’t necessarily a hOp, JUMP, and a    s   k   i   p   away. . . . But good news. . Someone better is. . Much better.

the office

Damn straight.


Thing is. . There’s a lot of goddamn women on this planet. . And as dudes, you think that’s great! In fact you think that’s grand.

Here are some dudes. Thinking that shit is grand.

Here are some dudes. Thinking that shit is grand.


More options. . More opportunities. . More possibilities. . More boobs.


Oh yeah.


. . But what if I were to tell you that you could have permanent ass, a great friend and a decent personality all rolled into one?




It’s damn possible. . I promise it is. . Because somewhere in that sea of tight skirted chiquitas at the bar, the plethora of ladies at the gym or the high-quality land of OK Cupid. . You’re gonna find          one            out of everyone else and you’re gonna think she’s the goddamn jam.


You. I like you.

You. I like you.


But she won’t be flawless. . Not even close. . And thank god for that. . Why? . Because there’s something you should know about your dream girl. . She’s gonna be oversensitive sometimes and she’s definitely going to freak out.


She’s gonna overreact from time to time and chances are good she’ll come really close to burning down the godforsaken kitchen one day.


RIP Taco salad.

RIP Taco salad.


She’s gonna look rough some days:

It happens...

It happens…


And will probably gonna gain the “I like to eat snacks with you” 15.

Hello flowy top.



There’s probably going to be a time when mistakes salt for sugar and make the weirdest chocolate chip cookies you’ve ever tasted.

She's an idiot. But she's your idiot.

She’s an idiot. But she’s your idiot.


But here’s the tradeoff: . She’s gonna love the hell out of you and give you the best damn sex you ever had.


You lucky bastard.

You lucky bastard.


Be that shoulder you didn’t think you needed to lean on and be some damn good arm candy on a casual night out.

She cleans up like a champ.

You’re not mad.


She’s going to willingly pick you up after a drunk night with the boys – when you’re all inebriated and screaming shit like:


And cook a casserole with your precious mom:

Best bitches,

Best bitches.


She’s going to go overboard on your x-mas present:




And wash your damn socks every 3 weeks:

Look how fresh you look compliments of Sandra.

Thanks for the fresh socks, Sandra.


She’s going to give you companionship. An awesome one. Make ridiculous gift baskets of your favorite shit when you’ve done something awesome, and think it’s Armageddon is en route when you’re feeling a little sick.




She’s going to be your friend. Probably you’re best one. And in the end. The most unexpected one. . So sit back, relax and give yourself a damn high-five.




Because you beat the system.

You did it.

You win.


Because somewhere along the line you seemed to one uP the worldwide dream girl.

Because the girl you want?

Or the girl you have?

Is real.

And doesn’t belong to a damn person, other than you.

Not theirs.

Not theirs.

 Read the girl version here.