August 9th 2013
Piles of resumes
Sent >> from hopeful grads and undergrads eagerly applying for an internship at my fashion-forward company – unaware that they were really sprucing their resume up for…
An opportunity to intern for me.
Not only be my own personal minion
But my humble side kick as well.
Indeed in the past I’ve invested in only a few hazing activities for my former minions such as:
Dressing them in a plush robe upon my immediate command and forcing them to lurk around the corporate hallways and talk to execs with a dead serious look their face and ordered that under NO circumstance would they be allowed to give ANY sort of explanation:
So alas, as Katie embarked on her real job ways, I was left on an ambitious hunt for another star candidate.
Loling at writing samples sent to my inbox that didn’t come in the form of articles, past papers, or more. But rather – side project screen plays with snip its that looked like this:
Until finally I found one resume that struck my damn fancy.
His name was Pete.
He came in for an interview.
We laughed. We joked. I inquired about his robe size.
LIFE WAS GRAND.
Until a few days later I was in full prepatory mode to extend him a pre-packaged deal of incredible experience and complimentary sleepwear
I glanced at his resume one.last.time.
And read in fine print.
Graduating class of 1995
I immediately spun my chair around to my co-worker in a sheer panic
And explained the complexities of the situation at hand.
“Larry. Listen to me. Some guy who is over a decade older than me just applied to be my intern. WTF PETE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS 12.”
Larry looked at me with skeptical eyes and medium offense and said
“I mean. I’m over a decade older than you…”
“No, no I know! But he’s sorta like you. Like doesn’t LOOK old. But is and looks a different age. NOT THAT YOU’RE OLD. (shut up, Olive SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP) You just look WAY younger than you are. Because you’re not old…you’re like super young! looking! But like not. Wait, what? Fuck.”
Larry was not amused.
I tried to make a joke or 2. Even give him a compliment to tide us over until lunch. But all Larry’s eyes kept telling me were:
And so I made a list.
In honor of my awkward and unwarranted ways. In case you too find yourself fucking up casual conversations
left << and >> right.
And you too are curious as to how on earth you can possibly make these situations worse for yourself. (all the following options are unfortunately derived from personal experiences.)
Olive & Tanner present:
7 Ways To Make An Already Awkward Situation…More Awkward
1. Zone the fuck out
Scenario 1: You’re at the local donutery and you run into your family friend Susan. You went to college with her son, you see, and she after she asks if “you’ve talked to Timmy lately” you forget where the FUCK you are and say “I actually haven’t seen Timbo in a while! Last time I saw him he was coked out of his mind and drinking coffee with his feet! LOL”
And Susan’s like:
And then you make it worse by being like:
2. Make future plans out of sheer desperation
Scenario 2: You’re at a party and you’re going ape shit on the complimentary punch
When suddenly you strike up a conversation with a distant acquaintance Kelly. You start catching up about shit here and there. What you’ve been up to. What veggies are on sale at Food Emporium. And at one point you spot a mutual friend Billy across the way and you’re like “Have you heard about Billy’s crazy new girlfriend? I heard she’s not even that cute and just like calls him like fucking crazy. I almost feel bad for the guy but not really because he’s a total DICK.”
What’s that, Kel Bel?
…Ah…you and Bill are dating…
Oh ENGAGED… you say? Who would have guessed…
And then you’re trying to make it better but then totally making it worse when you’re like:
“…So YEAH. We should TOTALLLLLY double date sometime. You and my boy Bill. And then me and like someone. That I’ll find. Somewhere. You’re apparently good at phones so like…yeah let’s…let’s do that.”
3. Digging yourself in a hole
Scenario 3: You’re out to lunch with co-workers (but the annoying kind) and they’re ranting up a fucking storm about the WILD AND CRAZY happy hour that happened last Tuesday night that you told them you simply couldn’t make because you had dinner plans but really just went home and fed your fish named Paul and watched Netflix instead. They ask you how your night was and you’re so engulfed and delusioned by your empanada you say “It was awesome. Fed Paul and watched some Game of Thrones!”
And everyone at the lunch table is all like:
And then you make it worse by trying to explain yourself like:
“I mean AFTER MY DINNER. After. Definitely…after…I didn’t feed Paul till like…10 pm…no flakes for Paul…none of…that”
And they’re still like:
So eventually you just cut your losses and you’re like:
4. State the obvious
Scenario 4: So you’re out and about with some friends and it’s like a group shin dig and you run into a mutual friend Nicole. And you’re talking for a while. Catching up on life. Even do a cheers. And eventually you start talking about more in depth things and she’s incredibly insightful and OUTRAGEOUSLY sweet and you’re really starting to bond. And at the end of the night you say “Man, Nicole. I really enjoyed talking to you tonight. I’ve never met anyone quite like you. Thanks for listening.”
To which she says:
“…My name is Patricia.”
And then you’re all like:
And then you make it worse by being all panicky and obvious like:
“Hey so this place is totally a bar. Real close to like. Our friends who are over there. Inside the bar too. And this beer is kind of warm. Doesn’t really. Feel so cold. And my hair sucks. It just does it’s like…”
And now Patricia’s all like:
Bounce. Bounce right now.
5. Phone a friend
Scenario 5: You’re being a gossipy Gladys in the break room. Talking up a goddamn tornado about Sheila the skanky exec who just you tubes Nicki Minaj videos all goddamn day. I bet you anything she buys skirts. Feeds them to a fucking wild pack of boars and then wears those torn up shreds of cloth as a next-day-to work outfit because she’s a WHORE.
She’s in the doorway and…
….she heard what you said.
Your co worker Glen decides to leave you high and dry and is all like
And then you make it worse by pretending to take a phone call like:
And then your phone goes off while you pretend to talk. Because you’re an idiot.
6. Admit to shit
Scenario 6: So you’re in a meeting and Martha stands up and is all like “So what did everyone think about the report I sent out last night? Questions? Comments? Concerns?”
And you’re sittin there straight up not giving a damn and thinking about lunch like:
And Martha notices and gets all pissed and is like:
“OLIVE! WHAT DID YOU THINK?!?!”
And you’re sitting there fully aware that you didn’t read a damn thing. And contemplate just making shit up. But decide to making life worse with honesty like:
And then suddenly you’re sitting in a conference room where all you want to do is this:
7. Bring up a controversial topic
Scenario 7: You’re out at a birthday party and you start the night off relatively classy. But about 3 wine coolers and 8 keg stands later you’re getting pretty fucking trashy.
And at some point you see someone beer-goggle hott and you’re like YEAH. I’M GOING TO GO TALK TO THAT HOTT PERSON BECAUSE I’M HOTTIE TOO!
And everyone else at the party is like:
And so you start talking to the sex stick. And things are starting to go pretty okay. Until you start talking about really unattractive shit. Like. How many hours it’s been since you’ve showered. #46. Or how your last relationship ended because you chased someone who winked at your arm candy down the street with a bottle of clorox and a shovel in hand. Or like how sometimes when you feel sad you just eat a fuck ton of nutella and sprinkle doritos in there when you’re feeling extra sexii. And shits going down hill. And it’s going down hill fast. And you know this so you try to change the topic as quickly and drunkenly as possible so you can have a shot at their bodice.
And then you make it worse by being like:
“Yeah so like that abortion and welfare. Let’s talk about it.”
And they’re all like :
And you’re just over there being all drunk like:
And there you have it. 7 Instantaneous things we all do when shit gets awkward that we should quite possibly reconsider so we don’t keep making things fucking worse! What are the effective alternatives?
One sec I’m getting a call.