His Turkey Burger Mistake

August 20th 2012

Story originally written and experienced: July 7th 2012


It was approximately 3:36am. Taxis were patrolling the streets for unruly locals, pizza slices were making their late night debut, and the bars were closing, but not…yet.


This bitch doesn’t close down until I say it does.


…Nevermind I sounded like a total tool when I said that. Let me try  that again:


Bar was closing in 24 minutes.


Dancing shoes = on.


Exhaustion, take the back seat…sheer talent, join me up front.


Olive and Charlie began doing what they did best: Freestyle dancing in strange locations with a variety of strangers forced to spectate due to vicinity. The following dances were performed:


– The shopping cart

– The dice roll

– 2 man kick line

– Cupid shuffle


(Dance lessons commence tomorrow at 3pm – bring a friend)


Olive was in the midst of performing her signature



3  step (kiss my ass, Ciara) when suddenly she was >>>>>>>>>>> thrust forward by the violent hip action of a surprise local.


Welcome, Jimmy.


Jimmy retrieved Olive from the floor and immediately, began to tWiRl her…quite violently…and dramatically pulled her in>>>>>for a rolling swing




revealing a less than satisfactory haircut in the process.


Should have read the warning label on the 3 step…scary locals were in fact, a common side effect.


Olive invested in several attempts to flee the premises.


Not….an option. Jimmy’s death grip and aggressive merengue ways were proving to be solid nightmare material for weeks.




With each passing beat Jimmy’s moves were getting progressively more oFf BeAt and eventually Olive asked Jimmy if he was in fact, at the bar alone.


He said yes.


She then asked where his friends were currently located.


He said sleeping across the street in his apartment…because they were his roommates.


She then suggested that he go meet up with his unconscious friends because it was pretty evident that they missed him dearly.


Suddenly things went terribly awry.


He leaned over , placed his hand on her head and asked her with completely crossed eyes “Will you come back with me?”


….I feel like… ^^^^ this conversation….was going the   v v v v v v



She relayed a resounding hell no.


His face changed.




Put his hand in her face and


Whispered “Please come back with me…please…I have turkey burgers…”


…let me get my purse.


Just kidding.


After a substantial awkward silence Olive began reciting “no” in several different languages (thank you, google translate) and after about 18 translations Jimmy was eventually on his way.


But later that night she got to thinking. Other than his:


1. Unfortunate hair cut

2. Unwelcomed swagger and


3. The fact that going home with unwarranted strangers totally cramps her style anyway she wondered…


…what COULD Jimbo have said that would have possibly swindled her response. So she compiled a list of exceptions in case you too, find yourself being lured to a strange apartment via turkey burgers (naturally).


Jimmy, you really fucked up. I may not have come have come home with you for turkey burgers but please use the following list as a future reference for things that would have definitely secured my company:


24 Things You Could Have Said Instead Of Turkey Burgers


1. A moon bounce (self-explanatory)


2. A baby tiger (self-explanatory)


3. Any sort of complex carb


4. 2 tickets to the Bee Gee’s reunion tour (disclaimer: neither one is for you, Jimmy)


5. A step by step tutorial on how to dougie – do you only dougie on the chorus? NOBODY KNOWS.


6. A Kitchen Kong (so practical)



7. Mango slices. So damn refreshing.


8. A cassette tape of Gloria Estefan’s greatest hits (Tape player is getting rusty and could use a little exercise. Twofer!)


9. A solution for the  neighborhood banshee that yodels outside my window every tuesday-thursday at 6am.


10. Algerian radishes (fresh out)


11. The original rough draft of “the hobbit”


12. A groupon to olive garden


13. Busch’s beans secret family recipe


14. A lifetime supply of packing peanuts


15. Aristocats…on blu ray


16. A meet and greet with Nicolas Cage. I would ask him important questions such as:

– why?




17. A lock of Michelle Obama’s hair


18. Midnight premiere tickets to Step up 4 revolution (again, neither ticket is for you, Jimmy)


19. A tall glass of Yoohoo served at precisely 42 degrees


20. A serenade of the Tarzan soundtrack (Phil Collins= voice of an angel)


21. Mint condition, TY purple elephant beanie baby (with the tag)


22. A 3 year subscription to Popular Mechanics magazine


23. The answer to what the FUCK happened in inception


24.  The invisibility cloak (could make for an interesting evening…and/or  family reunion.)


The next day Olive was exiting a Met’s game when suddenly she heard a man screaming on the streets. He was inquiring about directions to get back to the train station. She glanced over to relieve the gentleman of his confusion.


Good afternoon, Jimmy.


They locked eyes.

Only one party was happy about this.

He proceeded to follow her d



n the stairs




3 parking lots dropping lines such as


“Regular burgers are always an option, I’ve got condiments galore, smoothies are my speciality” along the way.


And after Olive ever so casually threw herself down a flight of stairs in order escape another round of Jimmy’s offers they once again, parted ways.


But no worries, if this list is obeyed, this romance is f a r from over.


I’ll forward this list to his hotmail account later this afternoon.