November 18th 2012
Story originally written and experienced: February 2nd 2011
There was this treacherous time in my college career in which my entire campus was completely glazed over by a sheet of ice that most likely derived from the wrath of Mother Nature’s ice-cold soul.
I can see how that was a little dramatic. I just wasn’t wearing a sweater when I wrote that sentence so I was sort of just scared and in the moment. You know how that goes.
It was a treacherously cold day in February. And by treacherous I mean like actually life-threatening:
That’s right. This shit was Ugg-boot proof, resulting in an endless supply of airborne Vera Bradley clutches and iPhone treasures both near and far. Shiza was getting cancelled left and right, parents were phoning in from all over the place, the campus emergency room actually had a record-breaking amount of broken bones. But my ballroom dancing class? For sure still in session. Had I used up all my absence days preventing me from missing out on another 8 count? Yes, yes I had. Did I brave the great outdoors and face plant every six seconds causing me to create an appearance that could also be mistaken for the victim of a back alley bitch fight? For sure. Did a creepy man with a scar running across his face and no teeth see me struggling in this winter fuckuland, pull over on the side of the road, and ask me with his beady black eyes if I needed a ride? Absolutely. Did I say yes?
You bet your bottom dollar I did.
I’ll give you 5 seconds to judge me.
Tito was a swell guy.
What did he look like? Well it was a bit difficult to snap a pic at the time. But no worries, with some light google searching I successfully managed to find a brother image of my dear friend Tito.
Now listen, despite his relatively terrifying appearance and questionable intentions, I was desperate. Real…desperate and if I ignored his heavy breathing during the remainder of my commute and his unwelcomed scent, I could see us going places. And by places I mean road trip. And by road trip I mean I made a list.
Because it really wasn’t until I flew out of the vehicle, jacket over my head concealing my identity and all, that I realized that I overpassed a wonderful opportunity. Very rarely do I get offered a free ride by strange men who have nowhere else to be. So I created a list, in case you too find yourself road tripping with a misunderstood local and want to know where oh where you should go.
11 Places You Could Go With A Misunderstood Local
1. The Black Gates of Mordor. My buddy Frodo told me it’s a bitch to get to. But I’ve got some jewelry to drop off so back door would be great.
2. Can we make a pit stop? I gotta use the bathroom. No I don’t want to stop by the gas station, ass. I want to go here:
Bathroom made of pure gold in Hainan, China. Rumored to cost 1.28 million dollars.
3. So Tito there’s this chili restaurant I saw on the food network once. And apparently it’s good shit. But my friends never want to go with me because they’re all like “Olive, why would I go all the way to Detroit and risk getting shot, all for a bowl of chili.” Which to date, is the most ludicrous question I’ve ever been asked. Chili should always be a priority. Always…ALWAYS. But you know, really this works out for both of us. I get my chili with a side of company, and you have no teeth. So this is like minimal chewing action. Everyone wins, especially me.
4. Ihop. They’ve got these Tuesday night crepe specials that are truly unparalleled. Ask for Destiny.
5. Romney’s place. I’ve got some spare maxi pads he can use to wipe his tears.
6. To the Hostess factory. Ask no questions. Just…pop the trunk immediately upon arrival…thanks.
7. The Chamber of Secrets. I need to vent.
8. Kristin Stewart. just to set her aflame. And then come back.
9. Take me to the nearest bar and order me the absolute opposite of what this girl is having…
10.There’s a bridge a few blocks down from here. Go to that bridge. Turn the car sideways. Put the car in reverse and drive. I saw this movie Inception once and I wanna try something.
11. Drop me off wherever this dog is. And never come back for me.
I feel as if that list should tide us over for now. I promise we can stop by your dentist appointment on the way back. Although I can’t see that taking too long anyway…
P.S. Bring snacks.