The 6 Types Of Handshakes Everyone Should Know About

July 22nd 2014

Let’s get handsy.

Success.

This = a good idea.

In handshake format I mean.

One of these numbers.

One of these numbers.

 

A good old-fashioned alternative to premature hugging rights

Nope. Not there yet.

Nope.

 

 Since the dawn of fucking time.

That's some vintage shit right there.

That’s some vintage shit right there.

And over these long ass years, this simple and strange concept has been reinvented in 6 popular and unexpected ways.

And what we mean is this.

Olive & Bogden present:

The 6 Types Of Handshakes Everyone Should Know About

1. The Rainforest

A sweaty, sweaty extravaganza often provoked by extreme nervousness,

You right now.

“Nah dude I’m good.”

 

Or a classic case of toasty fuckin weather

Perfect time for an introduction.

An ideal time for introductions.

 

Waiting to be called in for an interview?

Meeting your passionate partner’s rents who happen to be in town?

Perusing the streets unnecessarily so at the exact strike of the beating sun whenst you run into friend who introduces you to a goddamn friend?

nooooooo_elf

Wipe that shit. And wipe it good.

Easy does it.

Easy does it.

For an all-star moment that will (temporarily) rid yourself of a precipitous palm prompting a classy first impression that will feel a whole lot like this:

Winner.

Good thing you wiped.

2. The Floppy Fish

This weak handy: a common symptom amongst most sorority girls, someone who loathes the general human touch or often mistaken for just not being alive.

Probably not.

Probably not.

 

Don’t startle people.

limp handshake

This is your bad.

And inflicting strife that feels like this:

Have a soul.

None of this.

 

Because quite honestly, we all deserve to be man-handled the right fuckin way.

Excellent work.

And on Mondays we get Man-handled.

3. The Bear Claw

 Whoa bro.

 Keep your one singular hand to yourself.

big hand

Okay what did I JUST say.

 

The bear claw: a treacherous tactic, often associated with the everyday gentleman who doesn’t know his own damn strength OR anyone with an inferiority complex that goes fuckin HAM on the next victim who dares offer their innocent hand whilst reciting their god-given name:

Nice to break you, Hummingbird.

Nice to break you, Hummingbird.

 

So take a chill pill. And just damn relax. Your name is James. And you like beef jerky. We know. No violence necessary.

Thanks.

Thanks.

4. The Swaggy Bro

Simplicity is this guy’s bitch. Why go with the classic handshake when you could do something funky fresh like this?

funny handshake 2

That’s some fancy shit.

 Or this:

fancy handshake

Never practiced.

 

Or even this:

oh snap gif

Oh Snap.

 

The Swaggy bro is excellent for bonding and just damn showing off.

BUT.

Know your audience. Just in case your next interview takes an unexpected turn for the strange…

Chaz. Not a fan. Chaz.

Amy. Didn’t make it to second round interviews. Amy.

 

5. The Miscommunication

Potato. Potahto.

Tomato.TomahTIMEto get your shit together.

Happens to the best of us. I get it.

But although greetings can be more like a scary impromptu game of rock, paper, “wait wtf.” Let the other participating party make the move. And act accordingly. So you don’t end up looking like this:

bump-it

Wrong, Randy.

Or this:

MayerKanye

Super wrong, John.

And especially this:

Wrong.

Always wrong, Diane.

7. The Solution 

 What’s key to an excellent handshake?

A firm grip.

Good eye contact.

And after two solid shakes

let it go gif

….And if all fails. Pizza solves all.

pizza handshake

Quick fix.