July 22nd 2014
Let’s get handsy.
In handshake format I mean.
A good old-fashioned alternative to premature hugging rights
Since the dawn of fucking time.
And over these long ass years, this simple and strange concept has been reinvented in 6 popular and unexpected ways.
And what we mean is this.
Olive & Bogden present:
The 6 Types Of Handshakes Everyone Should Know About
1. The Rainforest
A sweaty, sweaty extravaganza often provoked by extreme nervousness,
Or a classic case of toasty fuckin weather
Waiting to be called in for an interview?
Meeting your passionate partner’s rents who happen to be in town?
Perusing the streets unnecessarily so at the exact strike of the beating sun whenst you run into friend who introduces you to a goddamn friend?
Wipe that shit. And wipe it good.
For an all-star moment that will (temporarily) rid yourself of a precipitous palm prompting a classy first impression that will feel a whole lot like this:
2. The Floppy Fish
This weak handy: a common symptom amongst most sorority girls, someone who loathes the general human touch or often mistaken for just not being alive.
Don’t startle people.
And inflicting strife that feels like this:
Because quite honestly, we all deserve to be man-handled the right fuckin way.
3. The Bear Claw
Keep your one singular hand to yourself.
The bear claw: a treacherous tactic, often associated with the everyday gentleman who doesn’t know his own damn strength OR anyone with an inferiority complex that goes fuckin HAM on the next victim who dares offer their innocent hand whilst reciting their god-given name:
So take a chill pill. And just damn relax. Your name is James. And you like beef jerky. We know. No violence necessary.
4. The Swaggy Bro
Simplicity is this guy’s bitch. Why go with the classic handshake when you could do something funky fresh like this?
Or even this:
The Swaggy bro is excellent for bonding and just damn showing off.
Know your audience. Just in case your next interview takes an unexpected turn for the strange…
5. The Miscommunication
Tomato.TomahTIMEto get your shit together.
Happens to the best of us. I get it.
But although greetings can be more like a scary impromptu game of rock, paper, “wait wtf.” Let the other participating party make the move. And act accordingly. So you don’t end up looking like this:
And especially this:
7. The Solution
What’s key to an excellent handshake?
A firm grip.
Good eye contact.
And after two solid shakes
….And if all fails. Pizza solves all.