Good God It’s Great To Be A Woman

August 27th 2013

 LADDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS.

What up.

What up.

Men. You too.

We’ve got some catching up to do.

All of us.

About some vital shit.

How men claim to get the better end of the gender bargain.

When we all know.

That simply isn’t true.

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And what I mean is this:

Olive, Krissy and Penny Erikson present:

7 Reasons It Kicks Serious ASS To Be A Woman

 

 

1. Instant Hottness.

Long night out?

10 beers in?

Major case of the pizza face?

A skin tone so pale it makes you look quite similar to this when you hit the public scene with your friends?

Sun? What sun?

Sun? What sun?

 

SUCKS FOR YOU (men)

You see. No such dilemma resonates in the womanly world.

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Well captain skeptical.

Let’s say you’re a decently attractive individual. A 6 or so? And maybe the night before you had a little to drink.

Girls night.

Fuck problems.

And then the next morning you’re lookin a little like a 3…

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But.

BAM

Three coats of mascara, a spray tan and one epic shower later:

Easy peasy.

Hello, 8.5!

And then you’re just over there kind of helpless like:

This is the peak of my hottness today.

2. NO (discount) MOVIE SNACKS LEFT BEHIND

Listen.

We bitches get the underrated advantage of carrying around our nonsense EVERYWHERE.

Which really means.

AS MANY SNACKS, DEODERANT AND CHUHUAHUAS AS WE DEEM NECESSARY.

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

.

Going to the movies?

Poppin those kernels at my GODDAMN HOUSE.

Buying at soda –  at the local WAL GREENS.

And packing those treats up for a pre-game of discount snackery.

Meet my bitches.

Meet my bitches.

 

ALL GODDAMN NIGHT.

I dare ANY man to fit all of those necessities in his cargo pockets.

Sorry you can't fit popcorn in your pants bro.

Sorry you can’t fit popcorn in your pants son.

 

And we’re sittin here all fed and wallet happy like:

we-got-a-dollar-we-got-a-dollar-we-got-a-dollar-hey-hey-hey

3. We Smell Better.

Disagree with that.

Do it.

A rhetorical request.

A rhetorical request.

4. We Rule The Bar Scene.

Scenario 1:

Girl: Want to get a drink at an overcrowded bar? Wink at the bartender and shake those GOD-GIVEN breasts to help expedite the process.

Look at my breasts and my face. Now pass the sugary shit.

Look at my breasts and my face. Now pass me the strong shit.

 

Guy: Wink at the bartender and whip out your dick?

Not the same results...

Not the same results…

 

And suddenly we’re over in the corner of the bar all drunk and happy like:

Lolz lolz lolz free drinks free drinks.

Lolz lolz lolz free drinks free drinks.

 

And you’re on the other side of the bar getting all confessional like:

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Sucks.

Scenario 2:

Bored and looking for an instant turn on for a hott human nearby?

Girls:

Get shwasted.

Grab a girlfriend.

Smooch her.

EVERY GUY WANTS TO BANG YOU.

Result: EVERY GUY WANTS TO BANG YOU.

 

Guy:

Also get schwasted.

Attempt the same tactic.

EVERY GUY WANTS TO BANG YOU.

Result: EVERY GUY WANTS TO BANG YOU.

Sorry, bro.

6. Size Don’t Matta Here.

WORD TO YA MOTHA

Literally. For she is partially responsible for the wealth of your prepackaged goods.

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Sure we ladies posses breastasizas that range from

BIG

to

small

 

But like. Even though guys claim to only like the big totties.

Control your child.

Control your child.

 

Even when there’s small ones involved…

You're not mad.

You’re not mad.

But let’s say you’re a chick.

And you meet this dude.

And you like his face.

…And you want to like other things too.

So you depants him with (mild) respect.

And then suddenly you see it and you have one of the following reactions:

1. Terrified

Get that fucking weapon AWAY FROM ME.

ZOMG WEAPON

 

Excited:

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Or:

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And rest-assured one of those 3 reactions will be tucked in our back pockets and ready to be discussed at lady brunch the next morning.

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7.  Immediate Ass.

Unless you’re frolicking in a fan-freakin tastic relationship or have a friend on the side who’s always up for a midnight jingle. Single men and women at large, share very different discrepancies on the action scale.

Men = Trying to get it. Always.

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And women are like:

No.

No.

Women = Tossing around the idea of getting it and breathe in the general direction of a man like

Hey.

 

And suddenly every penis near and far is like:

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

YOU RANGGGGG?!

 

And we’re just over here like:

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And there you have it. 7 highlights involving the pure badassery of being a woman. We’ll just be over here sippin on our free drinks and purchasing discount snow caps with our world-wide accepted breasts whilst watching  you attempt to do the same.

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Good times.