December 12th 2014
It’s true what Belinda Carlisle says.
Heaven truly IS a place on earth.
You heard the bitch.
Why so heavenly? Well, until the Messiah decides to pop back in and say hey
He’s sent the next best thing in his place—buttery, cinmmamony goodness also known as
FRENCH FUCKIN TOAST CRUNCH.
Indeed, this delectable toasty treat once packed pantries the minute it debuted in 1995, spending the next decade doubling as a religious experience as well as a decently balanced meal for one and for all. It made sin-nnamoning feel okay. It was…a spiritual awakening, if you will. #breakfastfood.
But alas. The violent and inhumane año of 2006 rolled fuckin tide, taking this messiah-like morsel on its way out the annual door.
With its recent and welcomed come back on our grocery shelves and local 7-11s. Well. We have no choice but to fucking celebrate. And here are 5 ways I know how.
5 Ways To Celebrate The Return Of French Toast Crunch
1. Boycott All Other Breakfast Foods
Something generally nutritious?
As we’ve witnessed, French Toast Crunch can be fickle as SHIT. Best eat all that maple-syrup madness now bowl by fuckin bowl because WHO KNOWS what decade it’ll choose to bounce.com this time.
I can’t handle that kind of heartbreak again.
2. Make It Rain
The cycle is this:
Buy in bulk.
Sell to the desperate.
Make a profit.
Make it rain.
3. Start A Riot
It’s trending now anyway…
4. Poison Walter Jr.
Lord knows that kid loves breakfast food.
And LORD KNOWS he’ll hoard the shit out of this limited-time offer.
So sprinkle something unkind into his breakfast bowl circa 8am tomorrow.
And then go back to bed.
It’s for the best.
5. Eat The Damn Thing
Indulge in those tiny toasted treats coated with maple madness and breakfast like a CHAMPION.
It’s a great way to kill time before this guy gets back.
So keep calm and cereal-celebrate on my friends, lord knows I will be.