March 8th 2013
So You’re Married.
That’s cool. I like that shit.
Good tidings to you and all of your Tupperware.
As for me? And my weird friends?
We’re busy doing other things. Less romantic things. Much less stable things. And definitely less responsible things.
Things that you’d think we’d be embarrassed to tell you.
But we’re just damn not.
Now let’s be clear.
We’re happy that you’re married. Like. Good for you man.
But shits gettin kinda weird over on this premarital side of the fence.
What do I mean? What are we doing?
Well. I’m glad you asked. Or rather, I’m glad that you didn’t really ask but rather read the question I just typed out and then kept reading because you were like “yeah sure you can tell me what you and your weird friends are doing”
Now to answer your provided question, I’ll have you know that we are by no means unhappy on this side of the fence. But we are getting loco. But only until fate decides to drunk text us one night and ask to hang out. Until then? We’ll keep on keeping on. And since that makes no sense to you, I created a list. Collectively crafted by “Olive” my friends (you see? you see what I did there? With that word?). A list in case you too want a flash back of the single life or, you too want reassurance that you’re incredibly more normal than a handful of people on this planet. That handful of people being my friends. And for that, I applaud you.
18 Things My Friends And I Are Doing Instead Of Marriage
1. Projectile vomiting on old love interests – Most likely to occur when you combine tequila, caged passion and more tequila.
2. Sharing laughter with cat memes instead of an attractive member of the opposite sex
3. Befriending bar folk with grocery cart tattoos
4. Convincing our grandparents on the regular that we’re not hopeless
5. Trying to decode who the fuck our Facebook friends are after they change their name post wedding.
Moving on with the list.
10. Expanding my hookup horizons…One.Foreigner.At.A.Time…
11. Awaiting my acceptance letter to Hogwarts
12. Pretending I have feline AIDS so I don’t have to go to another fucking bridal shower
13. Taking pictures like this without having to explain ourselves
14. Taking the batteries out of my toothbrush and putting them in my vibrator because apparently I brush my teeth less often than I…
15. Playing golf…mini…golf…
16. Giving sporadic fucks involving life decisions. But then again not really. #thisoundslikeagreatidea! #wherearemypants
17. Blacking out at a bar with no shirt and getting my nipple licked
18. Getting text messages from strippers named ‘Toy’ from Houston, TX