May 14th 2013
Hey, it’s me.
What’s that? Am I hitched yet?
WHOA WHOA WHOA
No wait hold on come back.
Listen. I’m going to get my ass hat self married in a jif. Don’t you worry your little marital self. It’s just that, I’ve been really busy lately
Lolol jk I haven’t been that busy. BUT.
Just because I’m not tousling in the throws of diamond rang love, DON’T MEAN I’m unhappy. And it don’t mean my friends are unhappy either. Except Pete. Pete’s a little unhappy.
Shit’s gettin weird on this pre-marital side of the fence.
And for that. You are welcome. Why? What do I mean? Well lassie, it’s BECAUSE of our fruitless love endeavors and substantial commitment issues that WE ARE ABLE to provide you with AMPLE life entertainment, lols and one.more.reason. to hug your MAN PIECE. Or LADY FRIEND a little tighter tonight and be all like “Thank god I snagged a sane one.” ….You’re welcome. What do I mean? What are we doing?
I thought you’d never ask.
Except for the one time you asked me. At the beginning of this post. Except that time.
16 MORE Things I’m Doing Instead Of Marriage
1. Being aggresively asked for anal from a stranger via text
2. Judging ourselves for dating people who post statuses like…this:
3. Getting blacked out on a Tuesday night and making pizza at the local pizzeria
…And then doing cigs with the employees in the back directly afterwards.
4. Bringing a hottie mc HOTT HOTT back to the house…your parents…house
5. Reading a heart-wrenching stories about a man who got swallowed by a hippo in south africa
6. Getting asked out on dates by gas station workers that…more often than not do not speak the same language
7. Forwarding online ” Speed Dating”coupons to my friends’ inboxes with the subject line “Fuck it. It’s on sale”
8. Unconsciously giving out your number to horny ethnic women at the bars
9. Still laughing at cat memes
10. …looking up youtube videos of old-people’s reaction to hearing dubstep
11. Browning out at a subway station at 4 am and taking what you THINK are snap chats…but are really actual photos that you just mass texted to all of your friends….and non friends that they may or may not make public on their blog:
12. Being this casual crocodile I spotted this weekend just…grabbing a cocktail
13. Licking chest hair at the bar with no class at all
14. …taking advantage of every free meal/happy hour I can to completely avoid learning how to cook.
15. Going to a professional conference meeting and stopping by to get tribal paint to the face on the way home.
16. Having food babies instead of real babies
See? We’re making FANTASTIC use of our goddamn time. Are these activities contributing factors to our current singlehood?
So you go do your thing with the tupperware and the eternal happiness and we’ll be joining you relatively shortly. Until then?
We’ll be making online dating profiles uploading pics of ourselves like this: