What Your Drink Says About You – Guy Edition

March 10th 2014

Who’s thirsty?




Damn straight.

No matter where you are.

 Who you are.

 Or what you are (what?)

 You need a drink.

 And you need it NOW.

A fair request.

A fair request, Hermoine.



 What KIND of drink do you need?


 That’s personal shit.

 But in case you’re wondering what general category you chill in based on your beverage of choice…and also wondering wtf that category is…then like:

Olive, Joe and Brian present:

What You Drink Says About You

 (how incredibly convenient)

1. Craft Beer:

You fancy sonofagun.

God you're so fancy.

Oh you FANCY.


So you’re out of college and O.Ded on 30 packs of Natty Light. Because quite frankly:

Said every college kid ever.

Said every college kid ever.


You’ve graduated from the keystones. You’re OVER them four lokos.

Can't imagine why.

Can’t imagine why.


And willingly ready to throw down a whopping 8 bucks for a schmancy beer at dinner with goddamn EASE. Why? Because you fucking appreciate the pure craftsmanship of a well brewed beverage. And DESERVE major kudos for being that “easy going” bro that’ll let the bartender throw you something new every now and again. (nothing weird)

You may not know wtf you’re ordering. But you sure as fuck act like it. And I RESPECT THAT. And as you’re sittin there chuggin self-inflicted lemony hoppy bullshiza.

You’ll inevitably taste test your way to straight up debauchery. Sacrificing your motor skills and ability to goddamn drive.

But whatever. You’ve got this guy:



2. Mixed dranks

Class, Class, CLASS

To you, My Lord.

To you, My Lord.


 Lookin for ass, ass, ASS.

No lady (and/or man) is safe.

Ladies (and gentleman) beware.

Whether it’s a Manhattan, Whiskey ginger or a nice and manly Appletini


You got it.


You’re the type of guy that doesn’t fux around when you’re hittin the town. Taking straight liquor to the soul to jump start your mojo and slam down worthwhile inquiries like:

shag now gif

Later. Much. Much. Later.


Or just get your damn groove on like:

drunk ron gif

To you, gin.


You’re a fun guy. An interesting guy. Usually the weird guy. Cruisin with the Craft beer bro and gettin slightly more slizzard on a tame Tuesday unprovoked providing endless entertainment like:


Christmas came early.

3. Scotch 

You think beer is for the weak.

That cocktails are for the straight up VULNERABLE.

You’re a manly sonofabitch.

Certified as a bonafide Don Draper who truly and surely does not give 2 singular fucks.

No fucks given over here.

No fucks here.


Never mind the taste resembles that of a glorified paint thinner. You my friend, are above just about EVERYTHING.

We know.

Yeah, we know.


You blackout and are sort of like:


And then like:

At ease, gentleman...

At ease, gentleman…

 4. Whiskey 

  The last of a dying breed.

Get on his level.

Get on his level.

This guy knows wtf he’s talking about.

That is so accurate.

Yes you are.

He’s the first type of whiskey drinker. The gentlemen of the bar. Sometimes drinking it straight. Or maybe with one singular cube of ice.




 And then there’s the second kind of whiskey drinker. A group that can be accurately labeled as the”Probably Needs-To-Be-Leashed—Team.” The guys who sit there and pound down whiskey because it makes them feel like goddamn men. But then like sometimes get hostile. And then get kinda violent. And then will fight anyone. Sort of like:

Sure thing, Fred.

Mmmmmk, Fred.


And finally the 3rd kind of whiskey drinker. The ones who order a rum and coke and fail to accept that they’re really a mixed drink kinda guy. And that flaming doctor peppers and extra sugary mojitos really are their fucking JAM.

Did somebody say....amaretto?

Did somebody say amaretto?


5. PBR

Holla back to mah man on a BUDGET.

I got a dollar

As opposed to the hipster of beer, you simply ARE a hipster who drinks…beer.

madea gif

You’re a smart man. Lookin to cruise into booze town without breakin the fuckin BANK. Realizing that having a good night out and reelin in the ladiez could easily be done with one $3 donation.

Said the girl 3 feet away from you.

Said the girl 3 feet away from you.

6. Shots 

You’re likely in college or still suffering withdrawals. Either way—you’re my goddamn hero.


You. I like you.


Never mind the backbone of your behavior is the result of: getting fired, getting dumped, gambling wrong or trying to salvage an unnecessarily sober night.

Fuck problems.

Fuck problems.


Ordering “Puerto Rican Sluts” or “Pink Panty Droppers” still makes you giggle. And about 4 deep throated shots later, this will too:




And there you have it. 5 beverages that somewhat accurately clarify the definition of your manlihood via booze beverage of choice. Be sure to share this with your other man bros. Because having another reason to drink is never ill-advised.

These guys agree:


Get on their level.


Read the girl version here.