What Your Drink Says About You – Girl Edition

March 14th 2014

I don’t drink.

Except when I do.

It just kind of happened...

…It just kind of happened #tequila

And if I were to guess.

I’d say the same damn thing about you.

And I’d also guess.

That what you choose to drink? May just say something about the type of kickass lady you are.

"You're the most graceful bitch I know," said the rum.

“Basic tasks are your bitch, Tracy!” said Vodka.

And what I mean is this:

Olive, Harper and Kate present:

What Your Drink Says About You – Girl Edition

1. Wine 

For any gentleman looking for this lady:

gotd wine

A fair question.

Not to worry. She’s right fuckin here:


It’s your lucky day.

Thing is.

Winos range.

 They do.

 Either you’re the chick who stops by the local quickie mart for their finest bottle of BELINA on your way to a BYOB extravaganza.




OR you’re the lady that likes to tousle your damn goblet at a classy gathering whilst shooting out FYIs to fellow party goers like:

wine cup



All the while, eating a copious amount of cheese (and later french fries) that inevitably causes you to bond with furniture and desk supplies after one glass too many.


“No one gets me quite like you, mouse pad.”


Wine girl is great. She’s classy, she’s fancy, and has the best damn sense of humor. Especially when it comes to spilling shit:

wine baby

God she’s so easy going.

2. Tequila


The tequila lady is a very special type of lady.


She’s baaaacckkkk.

Upgrading to the title “extra special” when we can see her getting DOWN with her bad self at every friend’s wedding like:

drunk girl

Classic Tabitha.


“Down to party” is about subpar as her tagline gets. This bitch is chuggin margaritas, shooting back patron and easily face deep in a Juan Collins until goddamn sunrise.

 Don’t be surprised if you see her on TV for her charismatic ways:


What’s good, Trisha. 

She’s a party staple and a party must-have.

And also most likely to make out with this guy:

Lucky girl.

Lucky girl.

3. Martini 

This chick.

It all starts when you’re under the impression that you’re going to have a classy-ass night. So you order a fancy pants drank with a spritz of seemingly good decisions because, you know, it’s drink one, and things will only get more elegant from here.


Whatever, indeed.

…Fast forward a particularly quick 23 minutes later and mix that shit with martini girl’s tolerance and she’ll suddenly get a surge of festive behavior like:


 Causing us to like martini girl. Because she’s adventurous. And hosts parties and shit. (see above). And she NEVER leaves you hanging on the dance floor.

…Unless of course:


4. Craft beer

My god she’s so cool and LAID-BACK. Like honestly, what’s more chill than ordering a budlight bottle or the cheapest booze on draft? NOTHING. Guys love it. Her credit card bill loves it. This guys loves it:

A worthwhile opinion.

A worthwhile opinion.


Calories are this girls bitch. She doesn’t care. She’s down to hang. AND to hangover.

Come and get her.

Come and get her.

And that’s just incredible.

5. Mixed drinks

She wants it.

 And she wants it bad.

 When you say you should probably drink some water. She says

I don't think so.

I don’t think so.


When you say you’ve already punched 3 people in the throat because you’re absolutely out of control. She says

You're next.

You’re next.

When you say she should probably reconsider your dance moves. She says


And later on you’ll find her making enough bagel bites to feed Uganda whilst passing the time like:

Don't forget the ranch.

Don’t forget the ranch. Thanks.


And there you have it. A relatively accurate breakdown of what your alcoholic ways say about you.

Unless you’re a dude.

 Then you need to read this.

 Share this shit with your main bitches because without them—you’d probably be hitching rides from strangers kind of like: