August 20th, 2013
Being a man fuckin rocks.
…At least that’s what my man friends tell me.
But after a kick ass brainstorm, discussion and ongoing e-mail thread confessing a slew of my guys firend’s badass ways, they requested I keep these confessions to myself because well,
“I don’t want to come off as acting superior to women (apparently bitches don’t like that) or truly bashing all females in one swing (once again, so touchy).”
And then about
Seconds later checked themselves and were like
And continued to enlighten me like this:
“7 Reasons Why It Feels Damn Good To Be A Man”
1. Getting our shit together in approximately 5 minutes
We men can pull our shit together and walk out the door lookin this adorable
Because we wear the same shoes EVERY GODDAMN DAY.
You know what steps we just skipped that women just don’t?
Picking out an “outfit” - Deciding they don’t like that shit - Rechoosing the damn thing.
Arriving late and judging the SHIT out of other women.
What’s that? Special occasion, you say?
I’ve got a suit.
Same suit I’ve worn for YEARS.
Same suit that I bought ONCE. And never had to buy again.
Have fun dress shopping for every major and minor event of your life, ladies.
I’ll just be over here getting extra sleep and shamelessly reusing outfits
EVERY. GODDAMN. DAY.
2. Our bodies don’t self-destruct on a monthly basis
GODDAMN not having a period is awesome.
You know what I do everyday?
NOT BLEED OUT OF MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.
Awwwwww yeah. That’s right. My hormones remain CONSTANT, my flow only refers only to my ability to spit rhymes
And the only pads I need are BREAK PADS as I cruise to a stop in my car after enjoying another day of being a man.
I NEVER have to:
1. Gorge myself on junk food to tranquillize blood, cramps and irrational anger
2. Go completely apeshit anytime anything remotely disappointing happens.
3. Excuse myself from events because the internal gears are impeding my ability to mingle.
Alright maybe I can relate a little.
Maybe after Mexican food or an “Indian” buffet.
…Word to the wise, never trust a buffet that serves ethnic food.
Not even once.
3. No babies poppin outta my penis.
It all starts when you meet a pretty lady.
And you swindle her with your smooth moves:
And she says YES.
…And one condom snappage later…
You find yourself in the delivery room witnessing the vagina that once seemed so damn fun, expand like a predators mouth and pop out a fucking LIFEFORM.
I’m freaking out.
And I’m freakin out HARD.
But hey, I’ll take a lowered sex drive and mild panic attack in exchange for my party pack ANYDAY.
And I’ll be sure to do the same…
4. We can be President of the United States
5. We’ve got total Freedom Pee-dom
The world is our oyster and we can pee on it with motherfucking EASE.
Chugged an extra-large Coke on an extra long road trip with no bathrooms in sight?
Park. Walk. Bush.
…Gave the other half of that extra-large Coke to your lady friend in the passenger seat and she’s now suffering from the same dilemma?
Choose your public depansting scenarios wisely, ladies.
You’ve got your ladyhood at stake.
6. We never get lost.
LISTEN TO ME.
I got this shit. Not every freakin fork in the road needs a ‘LETS PHONE A FRIEND” “ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING?!” SHOULD I….DARE I…..ASK SIRI?”
Unbunch your panties and realize
“If Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, neither do I”.
7. We finish = You finish.
Feels good to be a winner.
Every goddamn time.
Pleasin a lady is hard fuckin WORK.
First we gotta swoon you with our ways.
Then sweet talk the shit out of you
And eventually we cruise you into >> Pleasure town where
One thing leads to another.
And shit gets heated.
And it’s getting a little crazy.
AND IT’S GETTIN A LITTLE WEIRD
At least for me.
And you’re over there like:
But I’m not really that sorry because
And there you have it. 7 tried and (relatively) true explanations as to why men think they’re the fucking JAM.
Women, you’re now on deck.