Damn It Feels Good To Be A Man

August 20th, 2013

 

Being a man fuckin rocks.

 

…At least that’s what my man friends tell me.

 

Thanks for the update.

Thanks for the update.

 

But after a kick ass brainstorm, discussion and  ongoing e-mail thread confessing a slew of my guys firend’s badass ways, they requested I keep these confessions to myself because well,

 

“I don’t want to come off as acting superior to women (apparently bitches don’t like that) or truly bashing all females in one swing (once again, so touchy).”

 

 

 

And then about

1

2

3

Seconds later checked themselves and were like

 

Wait.

i-dont-give-a-fuck

 

And continued to enlighten me like this:

 

Olive, Brian, Tucker, and Bentley Cooper present:

 

“7 Reasons Why It Feels Damn Good To Be A Man”

 

1. Getting our shit together in approximately 5 minutes

 

That’s right.

 

We men can pull our shit together and walk out the door lookin this adorable

 

tumblr_lh7g8c6fpk1qaemhko1_500

Flawless.

 

IN SECONDS.

 

Why?

 

Because we wear the same shoes EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

 

Jeans. DONE.

Shirt. DONE.

Face. DONE.

 

You know what steps we just skipped that women just don’t?

.

Makeup

bill-cosby-makeup-gif

Nope.

 

Hair:

Scott_Thompson_Hairdo_Gif_Big_by_Ellidegg

Fuck that.

 

 

Picking out an “outfit” - Deciding they don’t like that shit - Rechoosing the damn thing.

 

Blind bitch.

YOU ARE SO BLIND RIGHT NOW.

 

 

And finally

Arriving late and judging the SHIT out of other women.

tumblr_mmnlh62yf91s2wqpoo1_500

 

 

What’s that? Special occasion, you say?

 

BOOM BABY.

I’ve got a suit.

Same suit I’ve worn for YEARS.

Same suit that I bought ONCE. And never had to buy again.

 

That is some timeless shit right there.

This is some timeless shit right here.

 

Have fun dress shopping for every major and minor event of your life, ladies.

 

I’ll just be over here getting extra sleep and shamelessly reusing outfits

 

EVERY. GODDAMN. DAY. 

Suckers.

Suckers.

 

 

 

2. Our bodies don’t self-destruct on a monthly basis

 

GODDAMN not having a period is awesome.

 

You know what I do everyday?

 

NOT BLEED OUT OF MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.

 

Awwwwww yeah. That’s right. My hormones remain CONSTANT, my flow only refers only to my ability to spit rhymes

HOLLA

HOLLA

 

And the only pads I need are BREAK PADS as I cruise to a stop in my car after enjoying another day of being a man.

Jesus I feel amazing!

GODDAMNIT I feel good.

 

I NEVER have to:

 

1. Gorge myself on junk food to tranquillize blood, cramps and irrational anger

tumblr_mb781bsRat1qdfa3c

HOTT.

 

 

 

2. Go completely apeshit anytime anything remotely disappointing happens.

 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO PIZZA.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO PIZZA LEFT.

 

 

 

3. Excuse myself from events because the internal gears are impeding my ability to mingle.

 

Sorry. Can't mingle. Got a lot of this to do.

Nope. Not minglin.

 

 

…Well…

Alright maybe I can relate a little.

Maybe after Mexican food or an “Indian” buffet.

…Word to the wise, never trust a buffet that serves ethnic food.

Not even once.

FUCK.

 

 

 

3. No babies poppin outta my penis.

 

It all starts when you meet a pretty lady.

 

the office

Hey good-lookin.

 

And you swindle her with your smooth moves:

 

Hey.

 

And she says YES.

THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE BABY.

 

 

…And one condom snappage later…

You find yourself in the delivery room witnessing the vagina that once seemed so damn fun, expand like a predators mouth and pop out a fucking LIFEFORM.

 

NOOOOOOO.

WHAT IN THE HELL.

 

 

I’m freaking out.

And I’m freakin out HARD.

 

 

But hey, I’ll take a lowered sex drive and mild panic attack in exchange for my party pack ANYDAY.

 

So.

 

Kudos, ladies

 

Keep that shit up.

Keep that shit up.

 

And I’ll be sure to do the same…

 

 

 

4. We can be President of the United States

"Lolz."

“Lolz.”

 

 

 

 

5. We’ve got total Freedom Pee-dom

 

OH YEAH.

 

The world is our oyster and we can pee on it with motherfucking EASE.

 

 

Chugged an extra-large Coke on an extra long road trip with no bathrooms in sight?

 

WHAT. EVER.

 

Park. Walk. Bush.

No strife here.

Strife free.

 

 

…Gave the other half of that extra-large Coke to your lady friend in the passenger seat and she’s now suffering from the same dilemma?

 

 

………..

 

Not as smooth of a transaction...

Not quite as graceful…

 

 

Choose your public depansting scenarios wisely, ladies.

 

You’ve got your ladyhood at stake.

 

But.

 

NOT ME.

NOT ME.

 

 

 

6. We never get lost.

 

LISTEN TO ME.

 

I got this shit. Not every freakin fork in the road needs a ‘LETS PHONE A FRIEND” “ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING?!” SHOULD I….DARE I…..ASK SIRI?”

 

the office gif

 

Unbunch your panties and realize

 

“If Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, neither do I”.

 

 

YA DIG.

Awesome.

Awesome.

 

 

 

7. We finish = You finish.

 

Feels good to be a winner.

 

Every goddamn time.

 

BECAUSE.

 

Pleasin a lady is hard fuckin WORK.

 

First we gotta swoon you with our ways.

original

 

Then sweet talk the shit out of you

imgur-tlgiuay

 

 

 

And eventually we cruise you into >>  Pleasure town where

 

One thing leads to another.

 

And shit gets heated.

 

And it’s getting a little crazy.

 

AND IT’S GETTIN A LITTLE WEIRD

 

AND 

DONE AND DONE.

DONE AND DONE.

 

 

At least for me.

 

And you’re over there like:

disappointment

 

 

But I’m not really that sorry  because

9toiu

 

 

And there you have it. 7 tried and (relatively) true explanations as to why men think they’re the fucking JAM.

Women, you’re now on deck.

A kickass retaliation list is coming to a blog post near you.