December 25, 2012
Tis the season
to eat mali.
Just kiddinggg. To be jolly.
And I was quite jolly. As jolly as one can being sandwiched between an overweight man and the window on a flight back to the city on christmas morning. But don’t feel bad for me. That man kept me relatively warm and I have Polish great grandparents who reside in Spanish Harlem that were anxiously waiting for their wasian great granddaughter to waltz through the door.
You know now that I think about it.
I’m not entirely sure they knew I was coming.
They have a bit goldfish memory these days you see, but I had faith that they would throw off their homemade cardigans and toss their aged potpourri in the air with sheer glee upon my arrival. I tend to have that effect…at least when homemade cardigans and potpourri are involved.
Alas my sandwiched flight came to and end and I hopped on the M60 bus ready to see my two favorite raisins.
The door s l o w l y opened revealing Great grandma Sophie’s face.
“OYYYYYY OLIVE AH YES I THINK OKAY!!!!!!”
Turns out she had released herself from her cardigan a bit earlier when she was watching the latest rerun of “Pimp My Ride” and happened to be fresh out of potpourri. But I assure you, events would have unfolded as predicted if both of those factors were involved.
We sat down at the table. I tried to calm the both down with the shock of my arrival. I was on the verge of explaining to them that we had planned this many weeks in advance. But decided to play if off as a surprise instead. And to MY surprise. Great grandma Sophie told me that she in fact, had a christmas present for me.
She got uP from the table.
Walked passed the closet
…Passed the christmas tree
And stopped at the pantry.
And then I saw it.
Part of it.
It was glimmering ever so slightly.
It looked kind of round but I couldn’t tell seeing as Great grandma Sophie was cupping her frail hand over the top and side.
She walked it closer to me.
Told me to close my eyes. And when I opened them….I saw this:
Delighted but mostly confused, I looked up and saw her beaming with the sheer glee I half expected when I walked into the room.
“Th – thank you, Sophie…this is…so nice…!”
“I so happy yous likes it”
“I likes it indeed!”
I wanted to tell her that she was a holiday too late. That cranberry sauce wasn’t really my jam (no pun intended). That I wanted to do a quick scan over of the x-mas list I blasted out just a few months prior. But I refrained. Had a peach or 3 with the crew and headed back to my upper east side abode.
Later that night as I unpacked the rest of my suitcase I watched as the cranberry sauce took residence on my counter…and…kind of stared at it from time to time between pairing up my divorced socks…and I got to thinking. You know, this can of cranberry may not be glazed over my turkey or even turned into a treat. But…what else could I possibly do with it…surely this could come in handy in more ways than one. So I made a list. In case you too have a confused great-grandmother Sophie who gifted you a can of cranberry sauce, and haven’t the slightest idea what to do with it.
12 Unruly Uses For A Cranberry Can
1. A weapon – Congrats! You just completed a successful trip to the market. And you’re walking to your car but you have the rogue cart so you’re swerving just a little bit but you notice some fool is starting to walk close behind. A little…too..close behind and eventually you turn around and what seems like an innocent grocery is now SHA FUCKING ZAM a lethal weapon ready to be chucked to the face/family jewels.
2. A conversation topic – So you’re on this date. And it totally blows. And the only thing filling the silences are their god awful noises they make when they eat and you’re like “fuck this shit” and you slam down this cranberry can. And you’re like. “let’s talk about it” problem. solved.
3. A babysitter – Friend asks you to watch their kid. And you’re like what? No trick. And they’re like “c’mon don’t be an asshole just do it.” So you’re forced to resort to the 6 step cranberry tactic. Step 1: Open the can halfway and giving it to little Charlie 2. Encourage him to sprinkle it around the house and go as apeshit as humanly possible. 3. Friend comes home. 4. Gets all pissed. 5. Doesn’t want you to watch Charlie ever again. 6. WIN.
4. A friend – You’re in your room. And your friends are being dramatic and drunk. Potentially both. Can’t seem to muster up the energy to text and in this day and age calling someone is absolutely out of the question. Who’s your alternative vent buddy? That’s right. Cranberry can. Ready to hear about your latest woes and trashiest hoes.
5. An excuse – You know when you have those moments. When someone asks you to do something. And you can’t think of a reason not to. But you’ve totally exceeded the 6 seconds of silence mark after they’ve asked to the point where they know you’re just searching for an excuse. And now things are progressively more awkward. So you get shifty eyes and what not? Well no longer! It’s as simple as saying “Sorry man I’ve got that thing, with that cranberry can, but maybe next time!” Easy peasy.
6. Blackmail – So you’ve got this roommate. And they’re pissing you off. Using your car. Borrowing your shit. Eating your food. Banging your girlfriend. And you’re like wtf gives? But they’re sneaky as shit and you can never really catch them in the moment. So here’s what you do. You put the cranberry sauce in their underwear drawer and leave the drawer slightly opened because that’s what they do anyway. And they come home and you’re sitting on the couch all serious and they ask what’s up and you say “What’s UP? Dude you’re fucked up. I just found my fucking sauce in your underwear drawer. You’re fucking sick. I want you to move out.” Done and done.
7. Travel companion – You heard my tale earlier about being sandwiched between an overweight flight passenger and the mediocre view of the window. When you get your ticket? Book 2 of that shit. That way you’ll have an entire 2 row aisle. One seat for you. One seat for cranberry sauce. No sandwiching. Just good company.
8. Poison – Believe it or not it’s pretty difficult to find anyone or anything that has an allergic reaction to cranberry sauce. But when you do find them. Feel free to poison them with Sophie’s gift. Or maybe don’t. That might be unwarranted. Unless that person is Kristin Stewart. Then go for it.
9. An accessory – With the sturdy chains and lofty amount of bling that’s manufactured these days, I can only imagine that a sterling steel, industrial chain looped through your beloved cranberry can will indeed make the perfect statement necklace whether you’re representing your hood, or simply wanting your chain to hang low and wobble to and fro (NAME THAT SONG)
10. Seat Saver – You finally make it to the movies on time. You’ve been dying to see “Wreck it Ralph” in 3D but you want some goddamn snacks. There’s the perfect seat 8 rows to the back straight in the middle. Shit. But I have to buy some…what if I…oh wait…the cranberry can! It will hover on the unfolded seat. Interested prospects in this location will stare but back away from the intimidating presentation of the cranberry can. Who fucks with cranberry sauce? No one. That’s who. And you my friend, now have secured the best seats in the house with copious amounts of snacks. Well done, you two.
11. A decoration – Floating shelf in the guest room looking a little bare? I DON’T THINK SO. This glimmering beauty graced with times new roman font is the perfect accent to every candle, sconce and picture frame. Your guests will oo and awe and the very sight of it, inquire on your impeccable interior decor capabilities and furthermore feel safe and protected during their overnight rest (we discussed using this as a weapon right?)
12. Re-gift to Sophie – A year has passed and you’ve utilized every tactic multiple times over and before you know it it’s December 25th 2013 and you’ve forgotten to get Great Grandma Sophie a gift! Although, it doesn’t make much of a difference. She probably doesn’t know that you’re coming over anyway. That raisin has such a cute goldfish memory. So you hesitantly reach into your pantry, retrieve the can and make your way to Spanish Harlem to give her the greatest gift she ever gave you, cranberry sauce.
And there you have it 12 unruly ways to use a cranberry sauce can. If you’re part of Ocean Spray, and you want to hire me as your advertiser. Well then that just makes total sense.