November 19th 2013
Something weird happened.
I made the abrupt decision somewhere close to yesterday #happyhour to bring back the tried and true Craigslist Commentary posts.
Because clearly doing it
So here for your mindless entertainment are the latest Craiglist posts I’ve discovered on the batshit internet followed by wtf I had to say back to these high-class weirdos.
Blue = Me. Not blue = Not me.
Free Cello (What About Jello?)
If you’re like me and you don’t know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. (Much more practical than a wallet) It’s hollow and there are two S’s on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it’s filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. (Convenience is key) It’d be like a cello purse. I’d do it but I’m moving across the country and it won’t fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. (Your suggestion list just took a hard left into Hogwarts) Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. (You’re living proof of it’s sentimental value)
Please come get it. I’m in Echo Park. I’d actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we’re going is a cool place. Like the desert or something. (That place is quite hot actually. I’d recommend getting your shit together.)
I’m 90% certain the bow’s in there. (Let it go)
To the woman I accidentally punched (Greetings…)
Now, one of two things went horribly wrong here. (I’m gonna go with straight up everything) Either I was so drunk that anything I said was impossible to understand or you were too drunk to put two and two together. You see, when I kept saying things like “thank you but I’m not like that” and “I’m not gay” it’s because I thought you were a man.(Ah. In that case, all is forgiven.) So naturally when you (who I thought was a man) (The double clarification is much appreciated) tried to kiss me I believed it was time to fight and I punched you. (Not my best first kiss…but admittedly not my worst…) I admit I SHOULD NOT have tried any WWE moves after that but I’m not a very good fighter and I was in attack mode. (My lofty amount of broken ribs don’t seem to give many fucks)
Enter the large biker type guys playing pool in the back. If I would have known they were your brothers, I would’ve made out with you even if I thought you were a dude. (Apparently chivalry isn’t dead) Long story short, I hope that my 3 broken ribs (twinsies) and my missing tooth (it’s right in the front by the way) are enough to make us even. I would still like to be friends (incredibly unlikely) and hopefully we can look back on this and laugh one day. (I don’t laugh) I don’t want to date but we can drink beer and lift weights or fish or something. Hope to hear from you. (Hope to not be mistaken for a man and get socked in the face for it one day)
Think my posts are ridiculous and wanna be better friends? Cool. I’m Always down for talking about life lessons and/or rice crispy treats. E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I’d love to hear from you!