My Craigslist Commentary 9

November 19th 2013

Something weird happened.

Again.

I made the abrupt decision somewhere close to yesterday #happyhour to bring back the tried and true Craigslist Commentary posts.

Because clearly doing it

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 times.

Wasn’t enough.

So here for your mindless entertainment are the latest Craiglist posts I’ve discovered on the batshit internet followed by wtf I had to say back to these high-class weirdos.

Blue = Me.   Not blue = Not me.

 

Free Cello (What About Jello?) 

So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. (Christmas gone wild) It’s a nice cello. (Cool.) Actually, it’s a great cello. (Oh?) It’s probably the best cello (Fuck) but I don’t really know much about cellos. (Worthless) Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. (An extremely worthwhile clarification) So it’s really more like 3/4’s of a cello, but the other 1/4’s still there, it’s just not attached. (Have you ever considered a profession in Viagra sales?) It’s kind of like you’re getting two cellos, only one of them doesn’t have a body and the other doesn’t have a neck. (Sounds like a pitch for a prostitute twofer) But if you stand them up next to each other it’s like old times. (Good point.) You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that. (My monthly shipment of music glue isn’t due until the 29th so we may need to compromise our timeline)She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, (quit spoiling me) now that I won’t have a cello. It’s a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I’m not sure. I don’t want you to think that there’s 100% a bow in the bag. (You completely set me up for that) It’s way over there, I can’t check right now. (You absolutely can) But if it’s in there it’s yours.

If you’re like me and you don’t know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. (Much more practical than a wallet) It’s hollow and there are two S’s on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it’s filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. (Convenience is key) It’d be like a cello purse. I’d do it but I’m moving across the country and it won’t fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. (Your suggestion list just took a hard left into Hogwarts) Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. (You’re living proof of it’s sentimental value)

Please come get it. I’m in Echo Park. I’d actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we’re going is a cool place. Like the desert or something. (That place is quite hot actually. I’d recommend getting your shit together.)

I’m 90% certain the bow’s in there. (Let it go)

 

 To the woman I accidentally punched (Greetings…) 

It was last Saturday and I was at the bar. (I’m incredibly aware) My shitty boss made me work late Friday and then early Saturday morning. (Can’t seem to find any fucks) Then I was laid off at the end of the day. (Side effects include breaking people’s faces) Needless to say I was pretty upset and in need of a good long night at the bar. (Potentially a tranquilizer as well)I got there straight from work at 6.30 and sat at the bar. You were a few stools down and there was a few people between us. (You’re quite the mathematician) About 11.30 there was only a few of us left and you moved down to the stool next to me and we casually chatted for the next hour before you started making advances at me. (You bought me 8 bottom shelf cocktails. I was a little boozy.) First off, I was very drunk at this point. That’s important for you to understand. (You punched me in the face. That’s everything you  need to understand)

Now, one of two things went horribly wrong here. (I’m gonna go with straight up everything) Either I was so drunk that anything I said was impossible to understand or you were too drunk to put two and two together. You see, when I kept saying things like “thank you but I’m not like that” and “I’m not gay” it’s because I thought you were a man.(Ah. In that case, all is forgiven.) So naturally when you (who I thought was a man) (The double clarification is much appreciated) tried to kiss me I believed it was time to fight and I punched you. (Not my best first kiss…but admittedly not my worst…) I admit I SHOULD NOT have tried any WWE moves after that but I’m not a very good fighter and I was in attack mode. (My lofty amount of broken ribs don’t seem to give many fucks)

Enter the large biker type guys playing pool in the back. If I would have known they were your brothers, I would’ve made out with you even if I thought you were a dude. (Apparently chivalry isn’t dead) Long story short, I hope that my 3 broken ribs (twinsies) and my missing tooth (it’s right in the front by the way) are enough to make us even. I would still like to be friends (incredibly unlikely) and hopefully we can look back on this and laugh one day. (I don’t laugh) I don’t want to date but we can drink beer and lift weights or fish or something. Hope to hear from you. (Hope to not be mistaken for a man and get socked in the face for it one day)

 

Think my posts are ridiculous and wanna be better friends? Cool. I’m Always down for talking about life lessons and/or rice crispy treats.  E-mail me at olivethepeople@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you!