My Craigslist Commentary 10

January 16th 2014

People are absurd.

 And I fuckin love ’em.

 After reading through the best and the batshit of Craigslisters











I in fact recently…

Found a few more.

 And have even more to say to them.

 Blue = Me   Not Blue = Not Me

My Craiglist Commentary. Edition 10.


2 Dozen Free Goats (Sold) 

I have 2 dozen goats I need to get rid of. (I signed up like one sentence ago) I had no idea raising goats would be this hard. (Curious as to what your original brainstorm was like…) These little bastards keep eating all my wife’s flowers and climbing on our goddamn cars! (Sound like productive individuals to me) Nobody told me they were such good climbers. (Surprise) The first person to get these damn goats out of here can have them. (Do bears qualify?) Contact information is listed < helpful


You, Polkadots (You really know how to flatter a woman)

So just a few minutes ago at the deli at 3rd and 47th you–polkadot mini-skirt (what’s up) –and I shared two long looks. (I don’t have vision in my right eye so this might be a misconception) I tried to get in line next to you after the first look, but it didn’t turn out. (Didn’t notice. You were on my right.) The second look as I left was on purpose to see what would happen. (Again, you were in my peripheral vision. Nothing personal.) If you read this, Miss Polkadots (And in the 4th sentence, the 3rd evolution of my nickname was born), we should do something about it. (I’ll go first. Step 1: Light polka dot skirt on fire)

BARTER: looking for macbook

i need a macbook for school. i have the following and am willing to trade: 
– pack of napkins (sensible)

– can of vegetables (you choose the vegetable) (Chrysanthemum leaves would be great)

– robin hood: men in tights dvd (I’d prefer a VHS. But thanks.)

– half used glade candle – fresh linen scent (Bought this once. Smelled like diapers. It was the long-lasting kind. #doomedfordays)

– bottle of lemon-lime gatorade (yes!)  (unopened!) (no)

– 19 ziplock sandwich bags (Curious about the whereabouts of the 20th…)

– pack of tube socks (Love sleeping in socks #iamthe1% )

– box of 63 crayons (missing cadet blue) (Fuck this. Cadet blue is everything)

– bag of pots (Already got 3 bags)

– “chicken soup for the horse lover’s soul II” book (I was actually hoping for “Chicken soup for the glue lovers soul.” But something tells me you don’t have it… )

– black belt (not a karate belt) (Not yet…)

– button with a picture of a chicken saying “where’s the beef?” (There’s nothing I want more)

– button with a picture of a cow saying “where’s the chicken?” (Except for maybe this)

– bag of ranch corn nuts (That’s all you had to say)

if you are interested in trading your macbook for any of the previously listed items please email me. (Throw in 2 more bags of ranch corn nuts and we’ve got ourselves a fair trade)


Penis Measuring

A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. (So job hunt is going well then) We’ve tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, (Define….”tried”….) but neither one of us buy it. I don’t want to see his penis and he doesn’t want to see mine. (Memoirs of a straight man) I don’t want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn’t want his looking at mine. (Memoirs of a straight man. Chapter 2.)

So…we just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. (Well I was hoping to talk to your legs. But yeah faces can work) We can’t pay much $50. (That’s 50 fucking Mc Chickens. DONE AND DONE.)