My Craiglist Commentary 12
November 14th 2014
People are excellent and weird.
Which is why I feel the incessant need to highlight the particular gems that shine brightest on a curated page I like to call “Craiglist.” In the past, I’ve s k i m m e d through the crème de la crème of Craiglist posts, inserting my unwarranted commentary along the way and sharing them with you on this ridiculous website. Examples being:
A rogue summer romance with a man named Darryl.
A terrifying man seeking little girls.
A woman sitting in a bath tub full of noodles.
An apartment owner with a wooden leg.
A woman who shit her pants on a date.
A man seeking missing prosthetic leg
A reinvented batmobile for sale.
A possessed dresser.
The woman I accidentally punched.
Volunteers for a penis measuring contest.
A Jesus burrito.
And of course my latest edition right here:
(Reminder: Blue = me. Not blue = not me)
For sale: bullshit European baby scooter made of wood and smugness (Who doesn’t love a combo deal?)
Do you dream of your perfect European child scooting across your hardwood floors, waving “hullo mama!” as you relax in your Pøang chair? (God, is that you?)
Then this is the bullshit European baby scooter made of wood and smugness is for you. (Blessed be the day.)
Our child, a failure in our eyes, (quality parents alert) did not like it. She looked great posing on it though. (Said the father about his daughter) So it’s perfect for posting #Instabrags to Fritter™. (Fritter, indeed.)
But then she would notice the oh-so-fucking-Wes-Andersony wobbly antennae on the front, (senses like a baby hawk) lean forward, and plam! (coordination of a baby Tucan) So it does make a great wobbly antennae toy. (Dreams do come true) And while the other kids scoot around on their plastic Walmart deathmobiles, (that’s the spirit) you can console yourself knowing at least your scooter looks like a hipster footstool from Urban Outfitters. (Grief stricken no longer.)
Also have the box.
keywords: Wheely Bug, bullshit, wooden, European, last minute, baby shower, gift, superior, hipster, cruel, parents, TMI, rogue child, rogue parents, pancakes.
Restored Gnome (may be haunted) (kudos on the discreet disclaimer)
Received from my grandmother and he was in pretty ruff condition. (Better “ruff” than “rough” I always say.)
-filled in holes with plumbers epoxy < The dirtier the better.
-painted with waterproof paint < Wears protection. I’m into it.
-all plants seem to die around him < My man.
-preferred nesting zone for spiders < Clearly attractive.
-makes children uncomfortable < Who doesn’t.
-may be a small chance of possession < Minor detail.
Pictures of this stud provided below:
Look at that face.
Great sense of humor.
Always full of surprises.
Intergalactic Warrior Kitten needs to be hidden from the CIA (Same)
Darndest thing I ever saw. This cat speaks 7 different languages. (Basic)
Se Habla Meow!
His Vietnamese name is Chairman Meow
Sprek en Z Purr!!
He knows Egyptian, but only Egyptian Sign Language (what a slacker)! (the worst)
And the last language he speaks is Swahili, says he picked it up from a sand crane who taught him to speak Swahili at a potato farm out by Sand Point ID. (Was his name Jeff? I know 2 sand cranes out in Sand Point, but I’m closer with Jeff. Miss that guy.)
I tell you, this Kitten is amazing. He fully understands string theory, (deal maker) responds to morse code immediately, (no other way to respond) and can solve differential equations without needing to refer to any formulas whatsoever. (good because my T-9 calculator got busted in 2005.)
I think he’s an alien. (A hasty assumption) Not like from Canada either but real woogie boogie outer space (better than the fake woogie boogie) or he might be French or possibly French Canadian. (So many ethnic possibilities) Either way they don’t make cats like that around these parts. (Minus Sand Point)
So … alien. (Great process of elimination)
So if your looking for a Kitten from outer space (just another day in the life); with whom you can discuss the finer points of Nietzsche, DIRT problems, or even the veracity of the grassy knoll theory. (Already do that with Jeff) (He knows who killed Kennedy man)! (So does Jeff) Then this adolescent cat from Kurplunkiton in the Schneller belt of the Isis galaxy (my old stomping grounds) (or maybe it’s Montreal), is your guy.
I have pics with his face but he has advised me not to post them because the dog (Roxie) next door is a sicko and will photo shop his cat face onto some other nasty cats and accuse him of being a pedophile and being involved in kitty porn. (Friendly neighbors I see)
Dogs aren’t all that smart though and its amazing that a pit bull can run photo shop on an iMac with no thumbs. (A canine running an iMac at all is wildly impressive.) But you and I both know that is a harsh accusation, and this dog is up to no good, even if he doesn’t properly comprehend the methods of framing someone or the baser deviant behaviors he is plotting against our intergalactic/possibly French Canadian friend. (Can I keep him?)
Regardless we need to get him to a safehouse so (Roxie) doesn’t frame him and then the CIA will find him for sure. So send me a carrier pigeon with the UPC label from a can of Campbell’s Chunky soup of your choice with the first seventeen numbers of Pi. OR you can easily email me and I will get back to you. (soup can coming your way)
Either way; its up to you. (see preference above)