October 3rd 2014
This just in:
I’ve officially been nominated as Employee Of The Month!
I’m also joking.
As you will quite clearly see as this blog post progresses >> I’ve recently spent a lofty amount of my professional days thinking about…
But only because.
Recently my roommate and I were ignoring all of our professional duties and conversing via life necessity (g chat) one morning, whenst we stumbled upon the bitchin plan to celebrate her upcoming birthday with both biscuits and booze.
There’s an excelente biscuit joint in our neighborhood, you see, and with an all day party rife with catered-in carbs and the promise of booze, we knew that only people sans soul would undeniably decline.
An invite was sent. With a little culinary humor thrown in the mix. Replacing regular words with better words like “biscuit” at startling and unexpected times. Examples including:
“Hey hey party biscuits”
“Shout out to my main biscuits”
And of course.
“We’re gonna have biscuits.”
This addiction, entertainment and curiosity didn’t stop there.
In fact, it baked (pun intended) in my mind all damn day, resulting in a curated list of common work phrases I collected via conference calls, professional banter and serious emails alike.
I took those phrases. Biscuitized them—and posted them here for your nonsensical review.
Because why the fuck not.
Ladies and Gentlefriends, I present to you:
Common Work Phrases That Would Be Taken Substantially Less Seriously If Replaced With The Word “Biscuit”
“Dude the biscuit at the front desk is so hot.”
“Can you cc me and biscuit?”
“Check out my new biscuit supplies!”
“Yes let’s touch biscuit tomorrow.”
“Sorry I’ve got a conference biscuit in 10 minutes.”
“Yeah I travel for biscuits all the time.”
“Don’t forget to send a follow up biscuit.”
“Should we have a brainbiscuit meeting?”
“Let’s biscuit back on this.”
“Please confirm any and all biscuits.”
“What’s the the best biscuit of action here?
“We just hired a new biscuit manager!”
“Congratulations! We’ve just given you a big biscuit!”
“Joel, we’ve gotten reports that you’ve been performing a lot of biscuit harassment in the office towards Carol. Please cease or you will be biscuited.”
“You’ve been promoted to senior biscuit!”
“Can we discuss this later? I’m in a meeting with 5 biscuit managers right now.”
“Have you met my new assistant biscuit?”
“Did you sign off on these biscuits?”
“Will you print a copy for me and biscuit?”
“You never replied to my biscuit…”
“Brb. Going on my biscuit break.”
Alrght guys. That’s all I’ve got.