January 28th 2014
I love bitches.
Especially when they’re mine.
True, this is a direct quote I borrowed from the chain-smoking homeless man that frequents my front doorstep.
THE MAN HAS A POINT.
There’s a time somewhere in between hanging out with mom at a the ripe age of 3 seconds and being a conscious human at 2 or so, that you start to make these things called friends.
Guys have them. And girls have them too.
And that, my friends, concludes the only 2 things men and women actually have in common
And their bros.
So alas, I’m here to s-p-e-l-l o-u-t the land of batshit lady friendships. And who exactly hangs out in this ridiculous place.
Olive and Renee Present:
The 8 Girls That Every Chick Is Friends With
1. The (Lovable?) Hott Mess
You know EXACTLY who the fuck I’m talking about.
Especially if you’re over there like
It’s like every damn morning you wake up with a text from this chick being like:
And when you try and talk it out with her and see if she’s okay/breathing she’s like:
She lives a life that looks a whole lot like this:
And abides by morals that sound a whole lot like this:
But she’s your hott mess.
And you fuckin love her for it.
2. The Therapist
Every once in a bi-weekly while. Girls freak the fuck out.
(Normally at a parallel level with Ron Burgandy.)
And when shit gets rough.
And people get weird about you doing anything other than texting
You know exactly who to call.
Your very own uncertified, on-call lady therapist.
She’ll answer your incoming call as if you’re Chuck Norris
Give you world class advice on the fly
And listen to your woes as if you HAVEN’T repeated them at least 628 times before
They know their shit. They’re damn good friends. And all they ask for in return is a delicious snack.
3. The One That Everyone Collectively Hates
And more often that not,
Every group has this person.
That particular individual that’s the butt of every joke, loled about on external text message threads and yet still remains a staple of the goddamn group.
Because we like this asshole.
At least a little bit.
But it doesn’t change the fact that they could literally find the cure to AIDs and we’d still be like
4. The Token Gay
You may say that I’m a dreamer.
But I’m fo rizzle not the only one.
Everybody wants a gay friend. They’re honest. They’re quirky. And they say really important shit like:
And of course:
They make life more colorful.
Make you think.
Make you dance.
Make you clean shit up.
And dress like the motherfucking queen that you are.
5. The One That Just Incessantly Kicks Ass At Everything
She’s a hottie with a body. Plays some musical instrument with absurd ease.
Intelligent as fuck. People dig her existence. Wakes up next to a dude looking like a precious bon bon with perfectly tousled hair like:
While the rest of girl society is over here like:
The staple “So who’s your friend?” friend.
All of her jokes are funny.
Everything she does is charming.
And best/worst of all.
She really does fucking rock.
You wanna be jealous. And you wanna be mad. But by god do you love her. She’s a good friend. With mom-approved morals. And serves as a constant reminder to the social media world that you’ve got some hot toddy friends.
6. The Lingerer
Lingering is creepy.
Unless you’re Trisha.
Trisha. The lifelong friend you’ve known since the end of fucking time.
Spending most of your brunches and shots cheersing to shit like the time you started your cover first band:
Or. Went through that weird work out phase together:
Or the time you had that super deep talk at that party:
She’s great. She’s vintage. And she can fucking blackmail you. #sheknowstoomuch.
So treat her right.
Give her a damn hug.
And remember that it’s still every man for himself during any 7-11 Free Slurpee Day
7. The Batshit Crazy One
We need this one.
They’re out of their damn minds and live life in the fast lane:
They make strange requests at parties
And send rogue sext messages against your will
But they keep shit interesting.
And they keep shit young.
Pull you out of >>> your shell when you need it.
And even when you didn’t think you did.
So give thanks for the crazy friend!
And take cover when they try to find you on day 3 of their absurd escapades
8. The Necessity
She gets you.
She just does.
She’s your permanent speed dial. The person who makes things right. Makes it fun. And often confused as your spouse.
She’s that rare hybrid of a hott mess, the crazy and kick ass therapist that is the recipient of all your weird text messages:
And chances are good you guys will be hangin out for a long damn time.
And there you have it. The 8 girls that every chick is friends with. They may not always have their shit together. But they always seem to keep yours in check. And THAT is about all I have to say about that.
Have some main bitches that remind you of this post? Share the damn love and send it to them! Unless you’re the hott mess friend. Then you do you.