January 24th 2014
Friends. We like them.
And rumor has it – They like us too.
They acknowledge our presence. Laugh at our jokes. Mindlessly put their life in peril so you can battle it out with the bald. #voldy
And do that thing where they text you back and party their damn pants off at your goddamn request.
And then there’s the bros.
Possessing many of the same qualities as a friend like: being one. But also being so…so much more.
(Also, happy hour stayed extra happy until about midnight last night. So I edited this post at approximately 12:33am at my absolute prime, and left this post with its drunk edits for both my amusement, and yours. Enjoy. I know I did.)
8 Bros That Every Guy Is Friends With
1. The Thief
Here’s what’s up—You’re out to dinner at a fancy ass restaurant. (A.K.A. one where you sit down…but it still has “Karaoke Wednesdays” where the old men come creep on young vulnerable chicks by the claw machine…Applebees, I’m looking at you) You and your buddies are enjoying a few brews real casual and classy like
And all of a sudden you get a boner for…the glass you’re holding
Because it’s Tuesday and it just feels RIGHT.
Cue in the Thief.
Pump a few more beers in this fool. Purchase him an appetizer (or let him share yours). Earn his gratitude. And then ask that sonofagun to slip that glass into his motherfuckin pants! And one suspicious bulge and shifty eyes from the waiter later?—
You’re now the proud owner of a new chain restaurant glass.
2. The Party Animal
If you’ve ever been to college, you’ve seen this guy. He’s not a freshman. He’s not even a senior. He may not attend college at all, (though he attempted) He knows every special at every bar, refuses to pay full price for ANY drink, shakes hands with the door dudes, tries to wake up in the dorms whenever possible, and just needs “his song” to come on for it to be a good damn night. Only have 10 bucks for a Friday night?
The Animal knows the best cheap vodka/pop combo to get you fucked up on a bargain budget, with a dollar left over for a post taco bell frenzy.
Need to get a taxi home? He’s got that shit on speed dial, I’m talkin numero UNO, and the drivers know him on a nickname basis
Just got back your student loan refund?
The Party Animal has a phenomenal investment opportunity called ‘Going on a bender. – Your Treat’
Planning on showing up for a 10 year graduating class reunion? The Animal will still be there, and he will still owe you $100 +.
3. The Nerd
This guy knows his shit. And my shit. And your shit. Which equals to a lot of fuckin shit.
Need a trivia partner? Nerd up. Take home quiz? Nerd up. Jeopardy drinking game? Nerd drunk. Broke your phone? Nerd up. Want to cyberhack someone’s mac? Nerd up. 8 Track busted? Nerd up. Met a chick who likes World of Warcraft? Nerd Fucks. Every guy needs a nerd friend. And everyone fuckin loves this dude.
And if you don’t.
The ladies do
4. The Wantrepreneur
A classic “Look what I can do!”friend who goes for the damn gold and then like…doesn’t.
He’s jumped on every fad (read: Ponzi scheme). He’s good for a laugh and he keeps you up on the latest trends in mainstream culture, which is fine until you walk into a fucking trap where you and 8 other guys are in your living room listening to a motherfucking pitch about the latest and greatest umbrella-tie instead of watching the damn game!
He’s ambitious. He’s smart. And you dig him for it.
When he’s not blocking the goddamn screen.
5. The Snappy Dresser
A standard man’s closet: Jeans, jerseys, shoes, a coat, t-shirt that somehow still fits from the 7th grade, a basketball, the missing side of every sock ever, some gum, 38 miscellaneous receipts, a hot dog, and a set of dress clothes.
But not snappy dresser’s closet. No no. There is always that one friend who spends the majority of his time and money on looking good, and looking DAMN GOOD at that (no homo) purchasing shit from places like Brooks Brothers (Which is apparently NOT a sequel to Blues Brothers) and Bergdorf (sounds like an Eastern European sausage). But, it’s worth dealing with this guys incessant shit talking about clothes when you need his input for for important things like:
Or any inexplicable occasion where you need to dress to impress.
You trust this guy.
You trust his taste.
Even if were to tell you to suit up like a questionable farm animal. You would do it. And you just wouldn’t ask.
6. The Shit Talker
This guy is the best. And he’s also the worst. He is singly handedly responsible for every.fight you’ve ever been in. Put 4 beers in this asshole and he’ll tell Andre the Giant that he fucked his mother and HE’S HAD BETTER. He’ll walk into a room comprised 100% of fans for team A and immediately verbally defecate all over their beloved team and preach the superiority of team B, JUST BECAUSE HE DAMN CAN. He’ll tell your girlfriend that your last couple girlfriends were hotter. He’ll tell your boss that you don’t work hard at work because your respect level for him is absolute 0. He’ll tell a group of bikers in a biker bar that motorcycles were only cool in the 50’s and their bandanas resemble his grandma’s fuckin panties.
Although he’s rogue. And although he’s destroyed many perfectly good situations. You hang out with him anyway. He’ll tell it like it is and not give one single damn about
7. The Together Bro
This guys got it all. Handsome, ambitious, has morals and shit, in shape, decently dressed and modest as FUCK.
Girls love him.
Guys love him.
He keeps you on top of your laundry, your homework, your life, your girlfriend.
You respect this dude. And so does the rest of the gang.
Even if your mom and/or girlfriend is all like “WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE KYLE”
And to that you’re like:
8. The Lifetime Bro
You can’t rid of this bastard.
You’ve shared too many damn memories.
And he knows entirely too much.
You could go weeks without talking. Maybe even months. Or MAYBE you guys bro out every weekend and exchange worthwhile banter like:
Every guy has one of these bros. Keeps you in check and gives you another excuse to bring up that badass sandcastle you made circa 1996.
And there you have it. The 8 bros that every guy has. Whether it’s on purpose. Or just damn not.