May 5th 2014
It’s for everyone.
Even your parents.
And with the weather gettin real bright and real shiny.
It’s the perfect time to break out your lady sandals (or unwarranted mandals) and just do the damn thing.
You’re not the only one with this idea.
Not even close.
And what I mean is this:
Olive & (mostly) Jan Stormy present:
The 6 Stereotypes You Will Encounter When You Day Drink
It’s 9 a.m. on Saturday and (as usual), you’re still (barely) alive from the night before.
You’ve got a shit ton of responsibilities waiting for you mañana.
But. Quite frankly.
You don’t give a shit.
And neither do I.
Because it’s hot as Nelly Furtado outside and a Tour de fricken Franzia is calling your damn name. Glorious is the day when you embark for grassy knolls bejeweled by red solo cups, filled with an array of people consisting of the bizarre, the belligerent and 6 other people kind of like this:
1.“The Over-Dressed Sorority Girl”
Infamous for “slapping the bag” with her her bouncy ass curls and dressed to the nines in an expensive summer Lily Pullitzer dress, which, in a very short time, becomes more a liquor-soaked bib.
Despite the dried blood on her forehead from having face planted during her last keg stand, she remains somewhat charming: She laughs at your half-assed jokes, doesn’t say many interesting things, BUT you’re drunk enough that you would TOTALLY hit that.
Bute beware. This bitch has a SERIOUS attitude. After you tell her to cool her jets with the Tito vodka, she becomes WILDLY defensive dropping classic lines like: “You don’t know me! DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.”
And the ever classic.
You’re now humiliated and know that you should just walk the fuck away…BUT you’re also drunk and horny so you try to calm her down.
It’s a lost cause. And after another drunken tirade, you become CONVINCED that EVEN if you could get her in bed, her vagina more than likely has teeth.
2. “The Stoner”
A casual fellow with the simplest of needs.
You probably won’t encounter this gem until you creep inside the house adjacent to the party you’re at to take a much-needed leak. He’s a good drinker. And quite the conversationalist. But, as usual, has become distracted by his abundant supply of Mary J Blige.
But caution yourself.
He is very generous. Although smoking from that homemade bong built solely from a pringles can
seems like a stellar idea…think wisely. Doing so will lose you your spot on the undefeated flip cup team…but then again…it will also make a calzones seem so.much.more.epic. Decisions, decisions?
3. “The Frat Groupie”
Often marked by her sex hair and walk of shame attire.
And the only reason she was invited to this party is because …well because…she woke up at the hosting establishment and she’s now ready to offer you a beer and tell you exactly what you want to hear. No, she is not a Steelers fan, nor is her cousin their water boy. In reality, that jersey she is wearing? Just belongs to the guy she slept with last night. Unless you want a cotton swab shoved up your burning urethra, stay clear of this slampiece.
4. “The Frat Star”
“I LOVE DAY DRINKING!” he screams to his bros, followed by excessive woofing. “I’M RAGING ALL. DAMN. DAY.”
Much like the stoner, this guy LOVES…the couch. And after successfully vomiting tequila down the front of his Vineyard Vines T.
That’s where you will find him.
But girls, be warned: prior to his pass out, he will try luring you into his widely renowned “sex lounge.” But. Don’t fall prey for his impressive life plan as an “entrepreneur” and false promises of inviting you to fratty a social. Because quite frankly? He’s still in love with his much better-looking ex-girlfriend.
5. “The Jerk”
“Drink Pussy!” he screams whilst wearing a manktop and claiming that only douchers don’t double fist. He can easily be spotted amongst the crowd by his cut-off high school Football practice jersey, raging biceps and a vague Chinese-symbol tattooed on the back of his wimpy calf muscle.
If there’s one thing he knows, IT’S WOMEN.
This guy perpetually scares away women faster than the Duke lacrosse team. If you at all aspire to getting laid today, avoid this donkey like the clap… which he ironically already has.
Seeing that you have yet to pass out—because you’re a goddamn champion—you begin considering the possibility that maybe. MAYBE you just might be Clark Kent.
Because of your newfound invincibility, you challenge your much-less-intoxicated friend to a causal game of “who can chug the most Popov.” It’s only 40 proof, how much harm could it do? Tisk tisk, you forgot Mom and Dad are rolling into town to meet you for classy, classy dinner. You show up to dinner entirely shit-hammered. Halfway through the meal, you throw up on your Father’s steak and call your mother a whore.
Congratulations, your parents have officially cut you off. You are now forced to drop out of life and instead take up a job as the temperature recorder at the dinning hall salad bar.
But as always.