6 Absurdly Accurate Super Bowl Predictions

January 29th 2015

Booze, Balls and more Balls.

Yup.

That’s only a taste of the classy ass things I’m going to say next.

Because listen.

Tis the saintly season for some SERIOUS man-on-man action, involving agility, strength, determination…and break dancing too.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

 

Thing is.

With such a grand event centered around a gaggle of grown men essentially playing an epic game of tag.

I'm gonna getcha!

I’m gonna getcha!

 

It only makes annual sense that the creme-de-la-AWESOME come FULL FORCE for such a…festive occasion.

B-e-a utiful.

B-e-a utiful.

 

And what I mean is this:

6 Absurdly Accurate Super Bowl Predictions

1. Bitchin Food Selections

Tasty treats take center stage this particular Sunday, kicking food fandom to an all-time carbo-loading HIGH.

Home-field advantage.

Home-field advantage.

 

Beers are a many.

Proof.

Proof.

 

And nachos are a plenty.

Proof.

Proof.

 

And THAT, my friends, is one beautiful, calorie-packed promise.

Cheers.

Cheers.

 

 

2. Killer Commercials

REMEMBER THIS?

And spoiler alert.

Get ready for this year’s ridiculous continuation:

That’s right.

Shit’s about to get colossally cuter, wittier and even MORE goddamn great. So plan your bathroom breaks accordingly. Or. Hustle like a pro the way these manly men know how:

Record-breaking bathroom breaks brought to you in full by "Tag, you're it."

Record-breaking bathroom breaks brought to you in full by “Tag, you’re it.”

 

3. Self-entertaining Party Participators

When you chant? I chant. When you yell? I yell. When you buy a round to celebrate a touchdown? I’LL BE THERE.

Thanks, Pete.

Thanks, Pete.

 

That’s right.

I don’t know diddly fuck about football.

But I’m a social mademoiselle looking for any reason to participate in the madness, snacks and of course, die-hard dress code.

Tell me I'm beautiful.

Tell me I’m beautiful.

 

4. Social Media Sabotage

Here’s the thing.

Even the nicest folks can turn into Douchey McDouchersons at the stroke of ONE MISSED PASS or ONE UNTIMELY TACKLE.

Screams are screamed.

And texts are texted.

And SUDDENLY unruly/belligerent Facebook statuses are composed and commented on.

Making for one hell of back and forth.

For example.

For example.

 

5. Irreconcilable Fanatics

Sadness is some real shit.

Especially when a bird head is involved.

crying-kansas-jayhawks-fan-sports-crying-gifs

There there…Victor.

 

Suffering the loss of…a loss is in a complete category of its own.

No sandwich tower, beer fortress or puppy commercials can comply.

Thus.

There’s a 50/50 chance we’ll have to send our condolences to the following fans:

This guy.

This guy.

 

This guy.

This guy.

 

Sad-Fan-2

And this girl.

 

7. Solid Night’s Sleep

If only the bros who ran 603 miles and got tackled and smashed by 300 pound men knew the kind of exhaustion WE ENDURED all damn day. After all those arm lifts via Budlight bottles and laps we’ve done to the bathroom AND back, we’re experiencing some extreme sedation due to booze, emotion and a plethora of french fries. And THAT mis amigos, is the full-proof recipe for some serious R.E.M.

Man down.

Man down.

 

And there you have it. 6 absurdly accurate Super Bowl predictions that absolutely will happen.

And as for the winner?

Go Bronco Panths.