March 17th 2015
It’s gettin hot in here.
No it’s not.
It’s still chilly as shit outside.
But that’s not stoppin a DAMN celebratory soul from taking the streets by storm whilst wearing outlandish green clothes without a single clue why.
Nor can most. Because this non-sensical holiday is wildly un-American and incredibly ill-explained.
Here’s the deal.
I like things.
And I like them spicy.
And nothing gets me more hot and bothered than figuring out why the fuck I’m dressed as an inebriated leprechaun and celebrating one hell of a day.
So I did a little research.
And I’m happy to report this:
4 Facts That Will Spice Up Your St. Patrick’s Day
1. Everyone is a Hotty Mctotty
At least for now.
You’ve got beer dripping down your hair, french fries in your pants and beads slightly choking you as you’re trying to nap and rally in the street/chairs.
And might I add..
You look HOTT
Never mind your hairdo, half-ripped shirt and general facial existence. FOR THIS DAY, beer goggles are a plenty and lowered standards are a many.
2. Props to the Warlock
He’s the man.
The actual St. Patrick that is.
Never mind he’s not an actual warlock and rather just looks like one, wears dresses, sports spotty facial hair and looks leagues upon LEAGUES better in person but like…
This guy is the real fuckin deal.
St. Paddy is no joke.
Did some pretty legit shit for us to wear emerald green every year whilst we glorify the human race the best way we know how because basically:
This is what he did:
And this is how we repaid him.
3. You’re Gettin Lucky
I actually don’t know if that’s true.
But I do know this:
Back in the dizzay, St. Paddy started tellin peeps that he thought the three-leaf shamrock looked a WHOLE LOT like the holy trinity.
And then people were super into that idea, which is why they decided to make this little leafy label the official mascot for this celebratory day.
4. If You’re Gorging Yourself—You’re Doing It All Right
Break out the IPAs, the cookie dough, some corned beef and a slew of soda bread because TODAY.
Is the day to do so.
This holiday was meant for over-indulgences because apparently:
So go ahead.
Do the damn thing.
Because it would be an unfestive outrage not to.
Just ask this guy.
He started it: