4 Facts That Will Spice Up Your St. Paddy’s Day

March 17th 2015

It’s gettin hot in here.

No it’s not.

It’s still chilly as shit outside.

But that’s not stoppin a DAMN celebratory soul from taking the streets by storm whilst wearing outlandish green clothes without a single clue why.

The plastic rake, a sensical touch Patricia.

Explain yourself, Patricia.

^

She can’t.

Nor can most. Because this non-sensical holiday is wildly un-American and incredibly ill-explained.

And we.just.don’t.curr.

A picture of my friends and I caring so much.

A picture of my friends and I caring a lot.

 

Here’s the deal.

I like things.

And I like them spicy.

And nothing gets me more hot and bothered than figuring out why the fuck I’m dressed as an inebriated leprechaun and celebrating one hell of a day.

zoey-2

So I did a little research.

And I’m happy to report this:

4 Facts That Will Spice Up Your St. Patrick’s Day

1. Everyone is a Hotty Mctotty

At least for now.

Congrats.

You’ve got beer dripping down your hair, french fries in your pants and beads slightly choking you as you’re trying to nap and rally in the street/chairs.

Ready to rally annnyyyy second now.

Ready to rally annnyyyy second now.

 

And might I add..

You look HOTT

Never looked better.

Never looked better.

 

Never mind your hairdo, half-ripped shirt and general facial existence. FOR THIS DAY, beer goggles are a plenty and lowered standards are a many.

Now is the time to consult my opinion.

I can attest.

 

2. Props to the Warlock

He’s the man.

The actual St. Patrick that is.

Never mind he’s not an actual warlock and rather just looks like one, wears dresses, sports spotty facial hair and looks leagues upon LEAGUES better in person but like…

This guy…

This guy is the real fuckin deal.

Hey.

St. Fuckin Patrick ya’ll.

 

THAT’S RIGHT.

St. Paddy is no joke.

Did some pretty legit shit for us to wear emerald green every year whilst we glorify the human race the best way we know how because basically:

This is what he did:

Pretty kind.

Pretty kind.

 

And this is how we repaid him.

Prof pic.

Props Saint P.

 

3. You’re Gettin Lucky

Hey.

I actually don’t know if that’s true.

But I do know this:

Back in the dizzay, St. Paddy started tellin peeps that he thought the three-leaf shamrock looked a WHOLE LOT like the holy trinity.

And then people were super into that idea, which is why they decided to make this little leafy label the official mascot for this celebratory day.

Not complainin.

Not complainin.

 

And finally.

4. If You’re Gorging Yourself—You’re Doing It All Right

Yep.

Break out the IPAs, the cookie dough, some corned beef and a slew of soda bread because TODAY.

Today.

Is the day to do so.

Turns out.

This holiday was meant for over-indulgences because apparently:

Thanks, Wikipedia.

Thanks, Wikipedia.

 

So go ahead.

Do the damn thing.

It's okay, you're allowed!

It’s okay, you’re allowed!

 

Because it would be an unfestive outrage not to.

Just ask this guy.

He started it:

Guilty.

Warlock woes.