A List I Never Thought I’d Make, And You Never Thought You’d Read.

August 3rd 2012

Story originally written and experienced: April 2nd 2012


Sign here please.


Cesar the messenger man was hovering over my desk with a mystery package. What was it I wonder? An edible arrangement from a secret admirer? The Mulan Gold Collectors Edition DVD I Fed-Exed overnight for an undisclosed amount of money, perhaps?





Cesar offered me the heavily taped box in exchange for my autograph. A note was attached. It read:


I sent you those checks you asked for + an extra surprise 😉


Damn straight.


I ripped open the package like an unruly child on Christmas morning. There they were. My checks and…oh god…not 1…not 50…but



…maxi pads.


My mom’s infatuation with Sam’s Club was getting entirely out of hand. A 500 pack of slim jims was one thing, but this…this was completely different. And I’m sure you can agree. Please agree. Please.


The great news is I work in a completely open office. No cubes to conceal the fact I received a delivery, my reaction to my delivery, and finally, the fresh package of maxi pads sitting on my desk.




I panicked, threw them into my drawer and contemplated what on God’s green earth I would ever do with Five. Hundred. Maxi pads.

Five – zero – zero

One Hundred




And then I had thought.


Since I’m a girl in my earlier 20’s and living in the modern day world, and could not forsee myself utilizing such a package for another 25 years or like, ever, I should naturally contemplate the various other purposes I could potentially gain from such a gift. We should never waste, right?


So I recruited the creativity of my friends and came up with the following list, just in case you too, find yourself with 500 maxi pads and have not a single  clue what to do with them. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

24 Things You Can Do With 500 Maxi Pads

(Now there’s a list I’d never thought I’d make…carry on)


1. Elbow pads. Roller skating rinks are no joke these days.


2. Homemade Swiffer (apply one pad to the bottom of each shoe. Dabble in chemicals. And Skate)

3. Hand Warmers


4. Resting point for birds perched outside your window


5. Repellant for anyone trying to get inside your pants. Hey desperate times…


6. Add string and make a headband


7. As a tip in a restaurant (They won’t refute once they realize what a money saver this really is – print out this list for reference.)


8. Shoe insoles


9. To hand over when someone asks you to pass them a napkin. Make no eye contact. Give no explanation.


10. Fan blade dusters


11. Wall stickers (So in right now)


12. Piddle pad for the hamsters. Assuming you have one. And if you don’t. It’s safe to get once since you now have a life time supply of piddle pads. Thanks mom!


13. Spill pads for the bottom of your purse/murse


14. Precautionary face protector at hotels. Who knows how often they clean those things. This is clearly the more sanitary option.


15. Oven mitts. For sure whip them out at fancy parties. And blame pinterest if anyone inquires. Or me. Whatever.


16. Pasties for large-breasted women (cut in half). Moobs are welcome to participate as well. No hate.


17. Stick-on koozie for hot beverages.


18. Under the armpits. You laugh…but secretly want to try it.


19. As a device to hold onto subway railings. Nothing weird about that.


20. As a pillow for the neighborhood cat.


21. A parachute for Stuart little if he decides to invest into any more shenanigans.


22. Stick 43 of them together to create a sturdy escape route from your window. Very stable. No need to have a test run.


23. Throw on the table when you want to end a conversation with a man. Works. Every. Time….Actually I’ve never really tried it. But I think that’s a fair assumption.


24. Use the entire 500 pack as a centerpiece on your dining table or table stand.


Feel free to contribute more suggestions. I can only imagine this has the upmost priority in your daily schedule.