2014’s Most Bizarre Google Searches In Every State
January 23rd 2015
I didn’t do it.
Polled. Research.And revealed.
The goddamn truth about every state’s Googling secrets in the grand year of 2014.
(…In a much less dramatic fashion than Nick Cage)
Dial down the drama, Nick.
That’s it, you’re getting pillowed.
Pillow Cage = party favorite.
And after perusing this fantastic article and reacting to it too, I performed a good old-fashioned copy and paste of the results:
And did what I do every time.
And then never keep it to myself.
The Top 8 Most Bizarre Google Searches in 2014
(and what we had to say back)
1. Pharrell Hat – Maryland
Things that don’t shock me: this.
As the birthplace of religious freedom in the U S of fuckin A, it only makes SENSE that Maryland’s time, energy and rOgUe googling is appropriately channeled towards some seriously history-making news:
Just so we’re all up to date.
His hat made head-lines (literally), gave Arby’s a reason to say hey:
And most importantly, gave Kim Kardashian an extra object to cushionize her ass:
The finishing touch.
I would dare you to refute me but, with Maryland’s historical authority and all, I trust that their hips, AND their search histories would never, EVER lie.
WORK IT MARYLAND.
2. What is a Selfie? – New York
Get your shit together, New York. Such a profound concept cannot simply be GOOGLIZED.(Never mind the fact it has actually weasled itself in as an actual wikipedia term)
Great example sentence.
It’s a fictional vocab term that isn’t just defined but rather, used as a tool of practice, reflection and more often than not—harassment.
Selfie’s are testament to the vanity of man, and we’re all fucking guilty of it.
What’s a Selfie, New York? It’s the 601 photos you take and delete before you send out a snap chat of your face to people who exchange seconds of their life to look at it. It’s 48% of the content that exists in your iPhoto library and EASILY the reason why your battery life is down to 16% circa 2pm.
3. Macualy Culkin Dead – Michigan
Well done, Michigan. Indeed, with the onslaught of non-fiction deaths (R.I.P Robin Williams and Joan Rivers), tricky protests in Ferguson, and missing children in Nigeria, I can only understand and appreciate your paranoia that one of America’s man-children could effectively be in danger too.
Best not to leave him home alone.
Want know what he’s up to? Playing subpar music about pizza in a band called “The Pizza Underground”
Where he credits himself as playing the fucking kazoo. THAT’S RIGHT Michiganders. He’s playing the kazoo in a band that sings about pizza.
Clearly, he’s doing just damn fine.
4. How to craft – Idaho
Do. Anything. That’s. How. Idaho. PLEASE.
5. Flappy bird cheats – Mississippi
Spouse having an affair? YOU having an affair?
Someone stealing glances off your test?
YOU STEALING GLANCES OFF OF SOMEONE’S TEST?
The government cheating by spying on LITERALLY EVERYONE?!
Edward Snowden hiding in Russia after exposing the largest intelligence scandal of the last century?!
People getting shot like literally one state over?!
MISSISSIPPI DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
The only cheating of seeming importance in the state of Mississippi are ones involving birds. And flappy ones at that.
6. Legalize Marijuana – Alaska
Alaska, if anyone deserves this.
It is you.
You’re constantly being trolled by bears, darkness and from what I can tell from post cards—salmon.
Can’t wait to visit.
How to remedy such a situation? Go green. Go really, really green.
You’re ranked numero uno in substance abuse, with your record at 50% fucking percent above the average.
You’ve been first in marijuana use among adults, above average in drug-related mortality, AND you’ve got SO MANY BEARS.
So hey, you know what? Legalize that shit. Why not. Maybe it will keep you out of jail and back on your couch with 3 months of darkness whilst you munch on salmon and Cheetos.
Keep on keepin on Kansas.
But as a side note.
It is said that when telegraph lines first began crossing the nation, they forgot to give Kansas the 4-1-1. When telephones came out? Kansas was still wondering what in the flying fuck a telegraph still was. So listen. Kansas. Fire up the ol’ Windows 3.1 and see if America Online is available for dial-up access because peeps like AOL apparently super appreciate people like you.
8. What is tinder – Wisconsin
Wisconsin, it’s a really fulfilling dating app that’s not based on looks, online bio sections or passing people’s faces with the power of your pinky. Tired of same tired cheese heads digitally popping up on your dating scene? Get ready to find LOVE. I’m talking deep-level intimate connections. You a brie kind of gal? There’s a cracker out there for you. Munster more your flavor? Opt for a meathead. Parents telling you to stay away from limburger type because he’s the BAD BOY of the processed dairy world?
Go all fucking out.
Love and lactose,