20 Reasons Graduating Doesn’t Blow

May 3rd 2013

We need to talk.

 

You’re about to graduate. And you, my friend literally CANNOT HANDLE THAT SHIT.

 

Literally can't handle this right now.

This is you literally not being able to handle this situation right now.

 

Well tough peaches.

 

This shit’s going down.

 

No matter how many beers you chug. Or bagels you eat. Or frat guys you spoon.

 

This shit is still.going.THE FUCK. down.

 

Bye.

 

Just kidding. Come back. I have more shit to say.

 

So listen.

I have a survivor story. Of someone who did that graduation shit once. And lived to tell the damn tale. She’s weird. She’s half asian. And she never shuts the fuck up. Who, you ask?

 

This asshole:

Fully employed and actually taken seriously.

Fully employed…and we’re not sure how.

 

That’s right. It’s me. I did it once. In fact. I did it TWICE #kindergarten. And now?

 I’m as happy as a motherfucking clam bake.

 

BUT WAIT.

 

I still have more shit to say.

 

I get it. I really do. You’re about to bounce.com from a utopia where every decision you ever make revolves around pizza, booze and donuts. And every penny you throw in a nearby wishing fountain is dedicated to being herpe free.

 

one-does-not-simply-get-rid-of-herpes

 

BUT.

 

I’m here to tell you with mediocre confidence that this graduating bullshit is actually kind of okay.

 

In fact.

 

It’s kind of great.

 

In fact.

 

I made a list.

 

With the help of my fellow alum. To let you know that sure, graduating does blow. But…probably not as much as you think it does. Here’s what I mean:

 

 

20 Reasons Graduation Doesn’t Blow As Much As You Think It Does

 

1. Your reflexes might get slower with age. But GODDAMNIT are they funny:

Catch! Jk.

Catch! Jk.

 

2.  Getting carded at bars? Nah, trick. You’re cool. That receding hairline has GOT YOUR BACK.

No card necessary.

No card necessary.

 

 

3. $4.99 bottles of Andre? NO LONGER…Congratulations, you can now afford to upgrade to the slightly classier, $9.99 Barefoot Bubbly shit! GO APE SHIT WITH moderate CLASS.

Get in my mouth you classy sonofabitch.

Get in my mouth you classy sonofabitch.

 

4. Awkward hookup last night? FANTASTIC NEWS! You won’t run into them on your way to Bio class every Tuesday. Why? Because you don’t HAVE bio class anymore. Because you’re a fucking GRAD.

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5. But that doesn’t mean you won’t learn a lot about women.

 

women meme

 

6. And learn a lot about men

while-flirting-ecard-someecards

 

7. Because dating in the real world will really teach you a lot

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Particularly online dating:

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GET PUMPED.

 

8. But no worries. You’ll finally find that incognito bitch called love. And you’ll grow old together. And you’ll make little kiddos. And eventually the two of you will become one in the damn same…

 

genders

 

9. When you go back for homecoming weekend, you can effortlessly buy copious amounts of drinks for all your old-ass friends and poor-like undergrad friends, LIKE A BOSS. Or wait no. Like AN ENTRY LEVEL EMPLOYEE WITH FREE DENTAL CHECK UPS.

Not an alcoholic.

CHEERS TO FREE DENTAL

 

10. You’ll have heartfelt conversations via Inter-Office messaging with fellow employed friends:

 

image

 

11. You really start believing in yourself

image

word.

 

 

12. Expense Accounts.

Double cheeseburgers all around!

Double cheeseburgers fucking galore.

 

13. You can actually apply the shit you learned in school

tumblr_mkp035JRW41rrcahvo1_500

 

14. Your dance moves only get better

Irresistable.

Irresistable.

 

15. You filter out who your real friends are. And THAT. Is cleansing shit.

tumblr_meej5gGQQC1qgz9tno1_250

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Yup.

 

16. Spring Break only gets better.

 

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17. You set more realistic goals for yourself

Let's reconsider this.

Let’s reconsider this.

 

 

18. You can flip the fucking script on your parents. “Your house, your rules” you say? Nah homie. You’re at MY crib now. DRINK FROM PLASTIC CUPS AND WATCH ME WATCH TV IN MY UNDERPANTS FOR 16 HOURS.

Rules are rules.

Not moving.

 

19. Snap chats feel a little more scandalous when when taken discreetly in a professional setting.

 

snap chat shane

 

snap chat carter

 

snap chat jenee

 

20. And finally, all those people you had to pretend to like all these years because of group projects, mutual friends or using them for free booze? YOU’RE DONE WITH THAT SHIT. 

Nope. Don't like you.

Nope. We’ve graduated. I don’t like you.

 

But hey listen. Post grad really can be the jam. I’ve met a lot of people. I’ve done a lot of shit. I still drink. I still dance. I still make questionable decisions. And now? I can do them with a little more street cred and a little extra cash  to do shit like: Live, Eat and Overtip a hot server.

 

$5 for you.

$5 for you.

 

 

My best friends are still my best friends. Homework can officially kiss my ass. And if you thought college was one hell of a  playground? Then consider this batshit blog living proof that life just might get better. And it might just get more interesting.  And maybe, JUST MAYBE. You’ll like it. Setting an expiration date on fun, friends, and adventure at the age of 22? Is completely up to you.

 

Alright brb. I’ve got a wishing fountain to attend to.

 

 

 

Special shout outs to Penny Erikson, Bentley Cooper, Renee, Shane and Carter for their insightful contributions.