October 27th 2013
Story originally written and experienced: October 9th 2013
Rise and Shine!…With Wine.
Indeed this was an exact reenactment of my appearance on the morning of October 19th, 2013 at approximately 7:25 am.
The occasion was this:
About a month or two back a my local NYC friend, Bee
Invited a flock of preppy New Yorkers to join her on a party bus to Far Hills, New Jersey.
“There’s going to be a race” she said.
“A horse race.”
Everyone said yes.
The story gets better.
The expectations were as follows:
1. The bus will leave exactly at 9 am
2. That bus will have drinking
3. That race will having driving
4. This event is BYODF (Bring your own damn food)
5. The bus will leave exactly at 4 p.m. And will not wait for anyone.
Now normally I’m not a ruler abider
Because quite honestly:
But one does not simply – cancel on Bee “Goldfish Chugger” Dover:
So alas, at the painful stroke of 8:30 am on a Saturday morning, the lot of us woke the fuck up. And piled on the damn bus with optimal grace:
That looked like this:
Where we pulled on our drinking khakis and leggings. And got the party started with a classy, world-renowned, fresh from September 2013 swig of:
2 hours and 48 blacked out individuals (and 1 semi-coherent wasian) later
We had arrived.
And at the precise moment of park, Tucker bound off the bus instantaneously:
As the rest of us frOLicked behind him shortly after. Mostly drunk and partially excited to see a fleet of horses, swirling glasses of chardonnay, oversized hats, flowing dresses, some croutons sprinkled on catered-in salads
Until we saw…
Not a glass of chardonnay was found. All croutons were
And any abandoned mustaches?
Were fucking worn:
The ====== horses ===== were ===== out ===== of ===== the ===== gate
And no one gave a single fuck.
But only because.
We were distracted.
And going a little rogue.
And I noticed it when:
In the midst of making new friends:
I noticed a something bright from the
corner of my eye.
It was a man. Dressed in a yellow shirt. He wore a puka shell….wicker hat.
And his name was Hank.
And Hank had one request.
To fill up his flask.
And that was it:
Once Hank was properly remounted on his walker, (flask in hand)… I suddenly noticed an unusual amount of hay
In the sky.
And that’s when I saw it.
Liam Parker violently chucking mass amounts of hay at innocent children’s faces:
Without a single ounce of remorse:
Moments after I witnessed Liam face plant a handful of children, his very roommate, Tucker, was approximately 8 shots of whiskey overboard slow mo-ing a champion fall that looked like this:
Alas, Tucker was sitting up right and simmering down Liam’s violence. And the rest of the day was spent hijacking fireball:
And overreacting to pre-packaged sandwiches #drunkanddesperate
The bus will leave exactly at 4 p.m. And will not wait for anyone.
So off we went >>>>
Ready to go
With cheetos on the mind
X X X
_________”I’m sorry ladies. No one can cross this gate” ________
2 officers were standing at a barricade in their uniformed slacks and freshly polished badges.
“What do you mean, officers? We need to leave!”
“I’m sorry but we simply cannot let you leave until the horses have crossed this part of the track”
“Well…how long will that be?”
“20 minutes? Maybe more?”
“But we’ve gotta go. Our ride. It’s in the parking lot!”
So there we were.
The lone 3 of us
X X X
Stranded with a pack of horses and a phone call that said
“The bus driver said he’s not going to wait. We’re leaving now”
And that they did.
We kept our cool:
And began to brainstorm the various ways to travel back to our overpriced homes in the city.
And that’s when we saw it.
A glowing train station from a fair distance away.
And with a quick dead sprint and an impromptu ticket. We finally boarded the train.
And made some friends.
And it wasn’t until we strolled through our doors a not so brief 4 hours later, changed into our makeshift PJs and watched breaking bad until 1 in the goddamn morning, did I realize that
This might just be the last time I’d ever attempt to mix animals with booze.
Unless it involves something like this: