9 Ways To Spice Up A Conference Call

November 7th 2013

 

Ring. Ring. Bitches.

 

It’s your work phone.

 

And Jan’s on the other line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And so is Paul.

 

And Phil.

 

And Rodrigo.

 

And this guy:

  hello_yes_this_is_dog

 

Just wanting to touch base about some important shit.

 

Like documents.

 

These rowdy bitches.

These rowdy bitches.

 

 

That unruly fax machine.

RIP. Wait. Jk.

RIP. Wait. Jk.

 

And sometimes that bitch Annie

Yeah no totally. Annie is a bitch.

“Yeah no totally. Annie sucks.”

 

 

 But more often than not. These dreaded conferences calls are ALWAYS wompy as FUCK.

A powerful short film about society and it's broken relationship with fucks to give via conference call.

“Conference My Balls” A powerful, 6 second short film about society and its broken relationship with fucks to give via conference call. (Watch full footage above)

 

And yet.

 

There you are.

 

Doing the damn thing.

 

With your other workplace amigos

conference call cats

“Yeah I got Deb on line 4…and a clean up in litter box 8…”

 

 

SO.

 

What’s a trapped soul to do?

 

Sorry.

 

I’m fresh out of ideas.

 

Except for these 9.

 

Olive and Tanner present:

 

9 Ways To Spice Up Your Next Conference Call

 
 
 
1. Strictly speak in Spanish.
 
Indeed it’s the stroke of your dreaded 3 pm conference call.
 
You pick uP.
 
But this time.
 
You don’t say hello. 
 
You say:
 
 
 8MIvXzt
 
 
And everyone else is like:
Who is this?

Who is this?

 

And you’re like:

tumblr_mkmvnebwwo1qeuiyho5_250

 
And they’re like:
Wait. Did I speed dial my local mexican joint by semi accident?

Wait. Did I semi-accidentally speed dial my local Mexican joint?

 

And you’re like:

tumblr_mkp035JRW41rrcahvo1_500

 
And the next thing you know  all your bilingual hard work has paid off and the gang is ordering a round of tacos. And 3 pm just became really fucking delicious
 
Success.

Success.

 
 
 
2. Be an oversensitive asshole
 
The crew is on the line and they’re chit chatting about future goals and suggesting that  you click through the Powerpoint they sent over not so long ago. And then suddenly your panties get in a theoretical bunch and you’re all like:
 
 ”CLICK OVER TO SLIDE 13 ABDULLAH? FUCK YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN ATTITUDE!”
 
Furthermore causing a scene in the workplace like: 
 
Good times.

Abdullah gets. What Abdullah deserves.

 

 
 
 
 
3. Compromise your current location
 
As far as Bill and Judy know, you’re sittin high and mighty in your goddamn discount chair!
Employee of the month.

#Employeeofthemonth

 

Until suddenly you’re all like

“Yes yes making a note of that right now Candace (FLUSHHHHH)
 
And Candace is all like:
mrw-i-walk-into-the-bathroom-just-after-my-dads-used-the-toilet-40158
 
 
 
But you’re hanging out like:
Suckers.

Sucker.

 
 
 
4. Completely overreact at all times to absolutely everything
 
When Brenda says “Hi” you say:
OMFG IT'S BRENDAAA.

BRENDAAAAAAA IN DA HOUUUSEEEEEEE

 

When Mark says he’s going to jump on another call really quick you say:

AHHHHH SNAP LOOK AT YOU SWITCHIN UP LINES AND SHIT.

AHHHHH SNAP LOOK AT YOU SWITCHIN UP LINES AND SHIT.

 

When Dale says sales have been down lately you say:

old-man-crying-gif

 

When Patricia say’s she’ll set up next week’s meeting for next Wednesday at 4 pm. You’re like:

“FUCK YES YOU WILL YOU PUNCTUAL MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL BE THERE WITH BAGELS AND A SMILE THAT YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SEE.”
 
 
 - Cue in the fog horn - 
 
And the confetti:
Confetti_sue gif
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
5. Repeat everything like it’s your idea
 
So you’re on the phone but you’ve been zoning the fuck out. You were supposed to bring new strategies to the virtual table today.
 
But.
 
Why do that when you can steal Carol’s?
 
 
Action:
 
Carol: “So yeah I was thinking we should change up the logo. “
 
 You:
hold on gif
 
 
Guys. I had an idea. WHAT IF. We CHANGE. The LOGO?!”
 
 
And Carols like:
 
wtf gif
 
 
But everyone else is like:
 
applause gif
 
 
 
But Carols not backing down but  finally you fend her off like:
Give it up, Carol.

Give it up, Carol.

 

 
 
6.Tag everyone in a Facebook post on the call….about the call

 
 
facebook status
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
7. Fake bad reception (with poor execution)
 
SLDFLHGDLSGSDG  SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU. SDLFGNSLDFGNSDGSG I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS ARE BREAKING UP SDIFBGSDGSDGSSDFGS THINK IM LOSING YOU GUYS SDFBGLSDGSDGDG HELLO? LSDBGKSDHBGLSDBFGS;IDF CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! DFSDBLGISDHGISDHG
 
- Break to crystal clear reception - 
 
“Yeah can I grab a Cheesburger, hold the mayo and let’s add swiss.
No, just the burger.  Name is olive.  Okay thanks. KADHBSKDHLSDBFLENFWERSG.
 
 
And the phone crew is all like:
 hello gif
 
 
 
 
But you’re all happy on the other line like:
Yah  bra can't hear ya.

Yah bra can’t hear shit.

 

 

 

 

 
8. Pretend like people can see what your doing
 

“Kenny hand me that pencil… thank you.  So I was thinking the presentation would look something like this… with this area here in orange, and then here, we can put the new branding. Thoughts?”
 
 
Kenny: “I uh. I can’t see what you’re doing.”
 
 
“What do you mean? Where the fuck are you?”
 
 
“Uhh Milwaukee”
 
 
“That’s fucking unacceptable Kenny. You never told me you were in Milwaukee”
 
 
“I’ve always been in Milwaukee”
 
 
And you’re like:
tumblr_m8kbsqUdtp1qb9fuc
 
 
 And you ask Kenny if there is anything else he wants to confess while he’s being the world’s sketchiest asshole. To which he’s like:
 
liarliar
 
 
 
And then after an elongated pause you’re like:
 
escalated
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
9. Act like your are running shit.
 
So you’re sittin there like:
z4LCtX5

 
 
And decide to take the FULL ON LIBERTY of whipping people into goddamn shape.
 
Like: AH AH AH BARABARA
 
 
cake trap gif
  
 
AND LET MARIO SAY HIS PART.
 
MARIO – proceed
 
 
And Mario’s like:
SUCK IT BARB.

SUCK IT BARB.

 

 

And Barb’s like:

Lunch time is about to be a showdown.

You. Me. Lunchtime. Showdown.

 

 

And you’re feelin all high and mighty like:

I RULE BITCHES.

I RULE BITCHES.

 

 

And there you have it. 9 on-hand tactics to make your workday phone calls a little fucking spicier…And maybe your lunchtime too #tacos #barb