9 Ways To Spice Up A Conference Call
November 7th 2013
Ring. Ring. Bitches.
It’s your work phone.
And Jan’s on the other line.
And so is Paul.
And this guy:
Just wanting to touch base about some important shit.
These rowdy bitches.
That unruly fax machine.
RIP. Wait. Jk.
And sometimes that bitch Trish.
“Yeah no totally. Trish sucks.”
But more often than not, these dreaded conferences calls are ALWAYS wompy as FUCK.
“Conference My Balls”, a powerful, 6-second short film about society and its broken relationship with fucks to give via conference call. (Watch full footage above)
There you are.
Doing the damn thing.
With your other workplace amigos.
“Yeah I got Deb on line 4…and a clean up in litter box 8…”
What’s a trapped soul to do?
I’m fresh out of ideas.
Except for these 9.
Olive and Tanner present:
9 Ways To Spice Up Your Next Conference Call
1. Strictly speak in spanish.
Indeed it’s the stroke of your dreaded 3 pm conference call.
You pick up.
But this time.
You don’t say hello.
And everyone else is like:
Who is this?
And you’re like:
And they’re like:
Wait. Did I semi-accidentally speed dial my local Mexican joint?
And you’re like:
And the next thing you know, all your bilingual hard work has paid off and the gang is ordering a round of tacos. And 3 pm just became really fucking delicious.
2. Be an oversensitive asshole
The crew is on the line and they’re chit chatting about future goals and suggesting that you click through the Powerpoint they sent over not so long ago. And then suddenly your panties get in a theoretical bunch and you’re all like:
“CLICK OVER TO SLIDE 13 ABDULLAH? FUCK YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN ATTITUDE!”
Furthermore causing a scene in the workplace like:
Abdullah gets. What Abdullah deserves.
3. Compromise your current location
As far as Bill and Judy know, you’re sittin high and mighty in your goddamn discount chair!
Until suddenly you’re all like:
“Yes, yes making a note of that right now Candace (FLUSHHHHH)
And Candace is all like:
But you’re hanging out like:
4. Completely overreact at all times to absolutely everything
When Brenda says “Hi” you say:
BRENDAAAAAAA IN DA HOUUUSEEEEEEE
When Mark says he’s going to jump on another call really quick you say:
AHHHHH SNAP LOOK AT YOU SWITCHIN UP LINES AND SHIT.
When Dale says sales have been down lately you say:
When Patricia say’s she’ll set up next week’s meeting for next Wednesday at 4 pm. You’re like:
“FUCK YES YOU WILL YOU PUNCTUAL MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL BE THERE WITH BAGELS AND A SMILE THAT YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SEE.”
– Cue in the fog horn –
And the confetti:
5. Repeat everything like it’s your idea
So you’re on the phone but you’ve been zoning the fuck out. You were supposed to bring new strategies to the virtual table today.
Why do that when you can steal Carol’s?
Carol: “So yeah I was thinking we should change up the logo.”
Guys. I had an idea. WHAT IF. We CHANGE. The LOGO?!”
And Carol’s like:
But everyone else is like:
But Carol’s not backing down but finally you fend her off like:
Give it up, Carol.
6.Tag everyone in a Facebook post on the call…about the call
7. Fake bad reception (with poor execution)
SLDFLHGDLSGSDG SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU. SDLFGNSLDFGNSDGSG I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS ARE BREAKING UP SDIFBGSDGSDGSSDFGS THINK IM LOSING YOU GUYS SDFBGLSDGSDGDG HELLO? LSDBGKSDHBGLSDBFGS;IDF CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! DFSDBLGISDHGISDHG
- Break to crystal clear reception –
“Yeah can I grab a Cheesburger, hold the mayo and let’s add swiss.
No, just the burger. Name is Olive. Okay thanks. KADHBSKDHLSDBFLENFWERSG.
And the phone crew is all like:
But you’re all happy on the other line like:
Yah bra can’t hear shit.
8. Pretend like people can see what your doing
“Kenny hand me that pencil…thank you. So I was thinking the presentation would look something like this… with this area here in orange, and then here, we can put the new branding. Thoughts?”
Kenny: “I uh. I can’t see what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean? Where the fuck are you?”
“That’s fucking unacceptable Kenny. You never told me you were in Milwaukee.”
“I’ve always been in Milwaukee”
And you’re like:
And you ask Kenny if there is anything else he wants to confess while he’s being the world’s sketchiest asshole. To which he’s like:
And then after an elongated pause you’re like:
9. Act like your are running shit.
So you’re sittin there like:
And decide to take the FULL ON LIBERTY of whipping people into goddamn shape.
Like: AH AH AH BARABARA
AND LET MARIO SAY HIS PART.
MARIO – proceed
And Mario’s like:
SUCK IT BARB.
And Barb’s like:
You. Me. Lunchtime. Showdown.
And you’re feelin all high and mighty like:
I RULE BITCHES.
And there you have it. 9 on-hand tactics to make your workday phone calls a little fucking spicier…and maybe your lunchtime too. #tacos #barb