The door slammed at approximately 2:37 a.m.
And then I heard a voice.
A deep, masculine voice…that said this:
“Where is she?”
Then I heard Kate’s voice. Responding to the deep, masculine voice. And she said this:
“Back door to the left.”
Where was she leading him?
Well. Normally you’d think that she was directing him to the bathroom.
Maybe even her room.
Perhaps even the fridge.
But the back door?
To the left?
That was a bedroom.
I heard heavy foot steps
as they approached my door, followed by a heavy pounding upon his arrival.
“OLIVE!…OLIVE!…Olive WAKE UP! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!”
That I would have learned by now.
Locked my shit up and call it a goddamn night.
Invest in faux unconsciousness or even invite the police over for a cup of coffee and a mild arrest.
But rather, I tucked my blanket under my chin, RESPONDED and said this:
“Who….who is it?”
The door knob turned. S-l-o-w-l-y. And with
each revealing inch
I saw the light from the conversational hallway pour into my room little by little
Revealing a tall-statured man in the doorway holding a misshapen, dome-shaped object hovering above his head.
He spoke again and said this:
“Olive. It’s me, Tucker. I hitch hiked in New York City tonight in a semi truck.
Told the guy to take me to Times Square so I could purchase an umbrella from the nearest merchant.
And then brought it back here to give to you
And then he said:
“Please. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST PUT ME IN YOUR BLOG.”
I sat up in my bed in utter disbelief. Sure it was 3am. And yes this gifted umbrella was so dismembered due to poor, drunken caretaking via Tucker…consequently resulting in 6 separate automobiles pummeling over it en route to my apartment.
This wasn’t the first time.
His first attempt to get into my blog, I mean.
Not at all.
In fact, he had attempted this endeavor before.
Like, the time he invited me to drink in a chimney
…And I pretended like it never happened.
I’m telling you now. And with the 3 A.M inspiration of my dear friend Tucker I decided to create a list. In case you too, are one semi-truck away from purchasing an orphaned umbrella from the local Times Square, and you too want to be in this bat shit blog.
17 Signs You Should Be In My Blog
So listen. I accept a wide array a weirdos that end up on this thing. Requirements usually entail being
2. Moderately interesting.
Are you either of those things?
Only these signs will tell.
You belong on my blog if:
1. You laughed like a psycho in a public place after seeing this picture…just like I did:
2. You’re this cat:
3. You’re not this dog:
4. You’re the guy I saw across the street the other day gyrating
to Gloria Estefan whilst wearing a unicorn mask for reasons unknown:
5. You, like me, went to the zoo and snapped a picture of this bear and said to your friend “LOLOLOLOL LOOK AT THIS HILARIOUS BEAR” Just to be informed by the nearby zoo keeper that this bear just suffered a severe heart attack.
6. If you live by this motto:
7. Find it impossible to look at this without smiling:
8. If you’re an honest human being:
9. If you’re a damn good friend
10. If you agree with this:
11. You’ve just got a great smile:
12. Or just a straight up bad one
13. If you have a positive attitude:
14. Or even a bad one:
15. If you’ve got big dreams:
16. Or even small ones:
17. And finally. If I’ve ever walked away from you saying this:
And if all else fails, I’m apparently always down for an umbrella bargain…