17 Signs You Should Be In My Blog

March 23rd,2013

The door slammed at approximately 2:37 a.m.

And then I heard a voice.

A deep, masculine voice…that said this:

“Where is she?”

Then I heard Kate’s  voice. Responding to the deep, masculine voice. And she said this:

“Back door to the left.”

Where was she leading him?

Well. Normally you’d think that she was directing him to the bathroom.

Maybe even her room.

Perhaps even the fridge.

But the back door?

To the left?

That was a bedroom.

My bedroom.

I heard heavy foot steps

increase

with

volume

as they approached my door, followed by a heavy pounding upon his arrival.

“OLIVE!…OLIVE!…Olive WAKE UP! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!”

Now you’d think since the last incident of an unidentified man getting into my bed,

That I would have learned by now.

Locked my shit up and call it a goddamn night.

Invest in faux unconsciousness or even invite the police over for a cup of coffee and a mild arrest.

But rather, I tucked my blanket under my chin, RESPONDED and said this:

“Who….who is it?”

The door knob turned. S-l-o-w-l-y. And with

 each            revealing           inch

I saw the light from the conversational hallway pour into my room little by little

apartment

Revealing a tall-statured man in the doorway holding a misshapen, dome-shaped object hovering above his head.

He spoke again and said this:

“Olive. It’s me, Tucker. I hitch hiked in New York City tonight in a semi truck.

semi-truck new york city

Proof

 

Told the guy to take me to Times Square so I could purchase an umbrella from the nearest merchant.

times square umbrella

Proof.

 

And then brought it back here to give to you

times square umbrella

Proof.

 

 

new york umbrella

Proof

 

new york umbrella

Proof  

 

And then he said:

“Please. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST PUT ME IN YOUR BLOG.”

I sat up in my bed in utter disbelief. Sure it was 3am. And yes this gifted umbrella was so dismembered due to poor, drunken caretaking via Tucker…consequently resulting in 6 separate automobiles pummeling over it en route to my apartment.

broken umbrella

R.I.P

But.

This wasn’t the first time.

His first attempt to get into my blog, I mean.

Not at all.

In fact,  he had attempted this endeavor before.

Like, the time he invited me to drink in a chimney

Thanks for the invite.

Thanks for the invite.

 

…And I pretended like it never happened.

But.

I’m telling you now. And with the 3 A.M inspiration of my dear friend Tucker I decided to create a list. In case you too, are one semi-truck away from purchasing an orphaned umbrella from the local Times Square, and you too want to be in this bat shit blog.

17 Signs You Should Be In My Blog

 

So listen. I accept a wide array a weirdos that end up on this thing. Requirements usually entail being

1. Human

2. Moderately interesting.

Are you either of those things?

Only these signs will tell.

You belong on my blog if:

.

1. You laughed like a psycho in a public place after seeing this picture…just like I did:

If you have similar feelings towards babies.

2.  You’re this cat:

funny cat

Talk about a package deal.

3. You’re not this dog:

scary dog

No.

 

 

4. You’re the guy I saw across the street the other day gyrating

to Gloria Estefan whilst wearing a unicorn mask for reasons unknown:

If I look across the street and you're doing this.

Apparently this happens.

 

5. You, like me, went to the zoo and snapped a picture of this bear and said to your friend “LOLOLOLOL LOOK AT THIS HILARIOUS BEAR” Just to be informed by the nearby zoo keeper that this bear just suffered a severe heart attack.

If you hold just as much concern for this bear as I do

Classic….mix up….

6. If you live by this motto:

funny friends

.

7. Find it impossible to look at this without smiling:

183598_1690582063602_4528739_n

Bruce: Doesn’t wear his retainer. Bruce.

8. If you’re an honest human being:

If you have questionable habits

9. If you’re a damn good friend

eb2ac1eff8da9c0507c9f2134d3f8a80

10. If you agree with this:

white people

Touche.

 

11. You’ve just got a great smile:

good smile

12. Or just a straight up bad one

funny dog

 

13. If you have a positive attitude:

IMG_0961

14. Or even a bad one:

bird problems

15. If you’ve got big dreams:

big dreams

16. Or even small ones:

241364861248881570_YerBOLIq_f

17. And finally. If I’ve ever walked away from you saying this:

blog pictures

And if all else fails, I’m apparently always down for an umbrella bargain…