December 21st 2013
Oops you did it again.
There’s 4 days until Christmas.
And you still haven’t gotten her a goddamn thing.
You knew this was going to happen.
And I did too.
Which is why I made you a last-minute list.
While you’re sitting there in your underwear. And freakin the fuck out.
Let the gifting games….
12 Gift Ideas For Her That Will Make You Look Awesome
1. Shiny Shit
You’re not surprised by this.
Ain’t NEVER been a woman who’s gotten something shiny and nice from a man she digs and been like
Go anywhere from Claires-Tiffany’s – (this is a test) and
Because about 3 seconds after the grand reveal she’ll be all like
And afterwards you guys can cuddle and talk about deep shit on the couch like:
2. Substitute Cuddler
Listen to me.
Cuddling can be really fucking great.
But sometimes it feels like a goddamn chore!
So what’s a guy to do when his lady friend wants to fuckin canoodle and the game is on? You can’t be around? Or you’d just like to have feeling in both of your arms for goddamn once?!
Buy her a puppy.
Maybe a cat.
Contemplate a stuffed animal.
And if shit gets desperate:
3. Date Idea
You’re gonna take her on a date anyway.
Save some money. Up the creativity. And gain some serious respect while you make that shit a twofer.
Who’s the real winner here?
4. Concert tickets
Let me break this down for you.
People who like music: EVERYONE.
People who would love concert tickets to see their favorite band jam the fuck out like this:
Go on ticketmaster.
Sell your soul.
Just get your favorite bitch a great gift for 2 so you can take karaoking and overpriced booze to a
WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
5. A Nice Coat
She wants it.
And she wants it bad.
A nice big
That will keep her nice and warm for many moderately intense social media snow season ahead
It’s like giving her a really long hug.
Without having to actually give a hug.
And that, my friend.
6. Get all crafty
On a budget?
Forgot a gift?
Just feeling extra special?
Here’s a few DIY gift idea for her that will show her you care, while showing your bank account that you care too.
7. Write her a song
Because bitches love songs:
8. Gag gift
Calling all weirdos.
You heard me.
Some romances are sweet and cuddly.
But maybe you’re the kind of couple that’s like:
So what’s a bro to do?
With a gift.
It’ll be all inside-jokey and be funny for many gatherings and dance parties to come #giantunderweardanceoff
9. Spa day
So sometimes she stresses out:
And sometimes she says rude shit:
So why not send that bitch away?
To the spa I mean.
One massage – weird jujitsu shit and a plush robe and cushioned flip-flops later and she’ll come back feelin funky fresh:
And real happy that her man thing knows how to fuckin gift.
10. Get Educational
With a class.
Don’t think too hard.
I’ll do it for you.
Whip out your laptop/iPad/Cell phone/device you’re reading this nonsense on and
Shit you think she’d dig.
A cooking class:
A dancing class:
Or even driving lessons…:
Because school really can be cool.
(At least it better fucking be this close to the big show.)
11. Seasons of her favorite show
You’re not the only one who makes her laugh and cry
It’s those goddamn shows she’s watches.
And my personal favorite – Biggest Loser
Buy that shit in bulk and tie it in a bow.
She won’t be mad.
In fact. She’ll probably be like:
12. Obey Mariah Carey
You heard the lady. Just show the fuck up and be extra awesome. Throw a bow on your head if you’re feeling particularly festive.
Your chick likes your face for a reason.
And SO. DO. I. (Nothing weird.)
(And if all else fails…stalk Pinterest)
Happy Holidays, My Favorite Lazy Asses